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Date Posted: 22:18:32 10/03/05 Mon
Author: Brian Grigg
Subject: Not sure this got sent correctly
In reply to: jennings 's message, "A note about writing the Steve Carell episode this week" on 13:31:10 09/26/05 Mon

The Smitty Report
Smitty's Human Interest Piece Covers Unqualified Workers

The Smitty Report

Smitty.....Jason Sudeikis
Thomas.....Finesse Mitchell
Jennifer.....Rachel Dratch
Cal.....Kenan Thompson
Leon.....Fred Armisen
Translator.....Amy Poehler
Tim.....Seth Meyers
Daytona.....Andy Samberg
Luke.....Will Forte
Alan.....Steve Carrell

[ fade in ]

[ opening graphic ]

<b>V/O:</b> Covering the back-story of your hometown, The Smitty Report.

[ int. Studio – Day ]

<b>Smitty:</b> (<i>Sudeikis</i>) Around town, do you ever feel that you’re not getting the service you paid for? Thousands of people are hired for jobs they are unqualified for, every day. Welcome, to the Smitty Report.

[ int. Office – Day ]

[ SUPER: Thomas – Unqualified Accountant ]

<b>Smitty:</b> What is it that makes you an unqualified accountant?

<b>Thomas:</b> (<i>Mitchell</i>) I can’t do math. I’ve just never been good with numbers; adding and subtracting; counting…

<b>Smitty:</b> What three things do you find most difficult about accounting?

<b>Thomas:</b> Probably looking at data tables and carrying the one.

[ int. Barn – Day ]

[ SUPER: Jennifer – Unqualified Farm Hand ]

<b>Jennifer:</b> (<i>Dratch</i>) I’m quite lactose intolerant. Just touching milk makes me swell up like a milk-heavy udder.

<b>Smitty:</b> How do you complete the chores of a dairy farmer?

<b>Jennifer:</b> Oh I wear gloves [ holds up hands to reveal boxing glove size normal gloves from swelling ]

[ ext. Canal Un Construction – Day ]

[ SUPER: Cal – Unqualified Surveyor ]

<b>Cal:</b> (<i>Thompson</i>) I only have one good eye [ pause ] no depth perception.

[ ext. Café – Day ]

[ SUPER: Leon – Unqualified Mime ]

[ Leon (<i>Armisen</i>) who uses sign language, is accompanied by Translator (<i>Poehler</i>) ]

<b>Translator:</b> I was born a mute.

<b>Smitty:</b> But how would that make you unqualified?

<b>Translator:</b> What makes a mime interesting is that he may choose to speak, but does not. [ pause ] Forget it, you Americans [ clearly signed by a middle finger ] wouldn’t unstand.

[ int. TV Set – Day ]

[ SUPER: Tim – Unqualified Soap Opera Actor ]

<b>Tim:</b> (<i>Meyers</i>) I’ve actually discovered that I am asexual. I have no notion of what love, or more so lust, would feel like. I have never once experienced passion or desire for another human being.

<b>Smitty:</b> Do you asexually cohabitate with another asexual?

<b>Tim:</b> [ bemused, staunch ] No. Cohabitation of any sort leads to pointless drama in people’s lives. I don’t unstand why people have this morbid fascination with each other. It’s completely illogical.

[ ext. Street Corner – Night ]

[ SUPER: Daytona – Unqualified Transvestite Prostitute ]

<b>Daytona:</b> (<i>Samberg</i>) I’m actually just a very ugly woman.

[ int. Garage – Day ]

[ SUPER: Luke – Unqualified Dragon Hunter ]

<b>Luke:</b> (<i>Forte</i>) I get payed by a government public works program to hunt dragons. But you know what? There’s no such thing as dragons.

<b>Smitty:</b> If there was a dragon loose, do you believe you could hunt and kill it?

<b>Luke:</b> Definitely. I would be more than equipped for the task. [ patting Jeep-mounted machine gun ] ‘Silver Annie’, Hechler and Koch, 180 caliber, 1000 rounds per minute, armor-penetrating cold fusion artillery shells, tear a dragon up. Non-heat conductive material, runs electric so there’s no gasoline, I could take three, four, five tops down in one fight.

<b>Smitty:</b> So you’re not really unqualified, just unnecessary?

<b>Luke:</b> Uh, I guess so.

<b>Smitty:</b> Not really what I’m looking for, thank you. [ walks away ]

[ ext. Beach – Day ]

[ SUPER: Alan – Unqualified Nude Beach Lifeguard ]

<b>Alan:</b> (<i>Carrell</i>) I’m not good with touching people. It’s just… [ shivers ] I can’t do it. Hypothetically, if I was ever in a situation where someone else’s life depended on me touching them, I just don’t know if I could go through with it. [ awkward pause ] Could you move your feet? You’re a little close.

[ fade out ]

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Replies:

  • Yeah, I submitted at the message board in this category up top. Must have missed it. (NT) -- Jason Dignard, 23:02:06 10/03/05 Mon
  • Sorry your sketches didn't get in, Brian & Jason -- Jim Bevan, 14:30:58 10/04/05 Tue
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