Guess I'll be posting a sketch here as well, just in case -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 09:40:52 10/21/05 Fri
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Guess I'll be posting a sketch here as well, just in case
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Pretty good sketches, Jason" on 09:37:24 10/21/05 Fri

COUNTY FAIR
Jim Bevan

Tagline: Double entendres run rampant at the Middlesboro county fair.

Judge Purcelle... Darrell Hammond
Natalie... Catherine Zeta-Jones
Marcus... Finesse Mitchell
Luther... Chris Parnell
Angeline... Rachel Dratch
Charlie... Adam Sanberg
Ray... Jason Sudeikis
Billie Jean... Amy Poehler

(stock footage of a simple fairground in a country setting is shown. People are visiting various booths, tending to animals, playing carnival games, ect. A caption appears on the bottom of the screen, reading: "MIDDLESBORO, KENTUCKY. OCTOBER 22, 1:24 PM". The scene then fades to a booth set up along a grassy path at the fair. A local farmer, Marcus, and his wife Natalie are displaying some succulent produce, most likely for show. They are both dressed casually. As they prepare their crops, Judge Purcell walks onto the scene. He is dressed in a white suit, has some gray in his hair, and a slightly gray beard.)

(Note: all characters in this sketch have a slight Southern drawl, but it is dignified, not a stereotypical ignorant country bumpkin/redneck dialect.)

Judge Purcell (pleasantly): Well, good afternoon Marcus. Wonderful to see you and your lovely wife here today.

Marcus: Why thank you, Judge Purcell. I'm certain we'll have a great time today. After all, we've enjoyed ourselves tremendously at all the past county fairs, why should this be any different?

Natalie (giggling): And we wouldn't dare miss this year's fair, not after the growing season we've had. I'm fairly confident that the crops my Marcus and I grew will bring home a few prizes today.

Judge Purcell: Well Natalie, from the looks of it, I can say you've got plenty of potential blue-ribbon winners here with you today.

Natalie: Seeing as how you're on the judging committee, sir, I'd say that's a very good sign there.

Judge Purcell (proudly): Thank you kindly, Natalie. After all the years I've served on the bench, it will be nice to rule on crops and livestock rather than criminals.

Marcus: I swear, Judge, this is probably the only time of the year when people are happy to hear you sentence them. (The three break into a bit of polite laughter, and the chuckles die down.) And if I may say, it's far better to have a well-respected local judging the proceedings rather than one of those high and mighty celebrity judges. Remember when the mayor decided to have that Judge Judy oversee the proceedings two years ago.

Judge Purcell (solemnly): Oh, that was a nightmare. (He shudders in memory of this horrid event) She was just so harsh, and callous... the Jenkins' cows still aren't giving milk.

(The three all close their eyes and shake their heads solemnly.)

Natalie: I still have nightmares about that day. But let's forget about the past; we've got a big day ahead of us and a lot of blue ribbons to win. (her voice becomes coy and semi-seductive) I don't know if this will influence your decision, Judge Purcell, but why don't you take a gander at my melons?

Judge Purcell (enthusiastically): My dear, I would love to. Whip them out and let me get a glimpse.

Natalie: All right, all right, keep your pants on. (Natalie reaches under the booth and pulls up two luscious honeydew melons, holding them suggestively over her bust.) What do you think of these?

Judge Purcell (chuckling): Natalie, I can honestly say that you have the most tittilating melons I've ever seen. Heck, my wife's pale in comparison.

Marcus (pleased): Well, I don't mean to brag, Judge Purcell, but compared to all the other women in the county, I don't think any of their melons can stack up to my Natalie's. They all fall flat in comparison.

Judge Purcell: Oh, I agree with you whole-heartedly, Marcus. They're just so big, and round and... (he sounds like he's getting aroused) forgive me for asking, Marcus, but would you mind if I felt them up? I've just got to know how firm they are.

Marcus (contemplative): Well now, normally I'd have issues with a man asking to grope my wife's melons, but I suppose in this case it would be fine. That okay with you, Natalie? (His wife nods happily in agreement) All right, judge, squeeze away.

(Purcell grabs the honeydews. He squeezes them for a few seconds and Natalie giggles and blushes.)

Judge Purcell: Yessir, those are real, all right. How do you manage to get them so lucious? Do you have some way to support them when they're growing?

Marcus: Nope. She lets 'em all hang out for everyone to see. Keeps them nice and juicy, just the way I like 'em. (He licks his lips seductively) And if you like her melons, you'll love my massive cucumber. (He reaches down behind his booth and pulls out a huge cucumber, slamming it down on the stand with a loud thud.) Now this is a cucumber that makes all the other men envious.

Natalie (giggling): Oh yes. My Marcus' cucumber is the finest I've ever had. I can't get enough of it. Why if the season lasted long enough, I'd have his cucumber inside me every day.

Marcus: Now Natalie, I'd be exhausted if I tried to get a cucumber in you so often. (he chuckles again) Still, I am very proud of this baby.

Judge Purcell: And you rightfully should be, my friend. Whip it out and let the world know of your pride. (He leans in close to Marcus and whispers) Uh, I hope I don't seem offensive, but I have heard that people of your heritage have an affinity for massive cucumbers. Do you, um, have any tips as to how I can make mine larger?

Marcus (whispering): Well, this is supposed to be a secret, but if you rub it up and down with aloe vera lotion twice a day for about ten minutes, and it'll double in size within a month. It may take a while, but I assure you, it will be a very enjoyable process, and you'll find the results incredibly satisfying. (He nods confirmingly)

Judge Purcell (nodding in reply): I'll keep that in mind. Heck, when I get home after the fair, I think I'll give it a quick stroking. Thanks for the hint. (He backs up and tips his hat to the couple) Good day Marcus, Natalie, and good luck in the competition.

(The two wave farewell to the judge as he walks off to the right. The scene shifts to the edge of a fenced area where Luther, a middle-aged farmer with a patch over his right eye, and his wife Angeline stand. A rooster is perched on one of the fence posts, and Luther is trying to command it using hand gestures. Purcell walks onto the scene, but the two do not turn to see him.)

Judge Purcell: Luther, Angeline. What a pleasure to see the two of you here.

Luther & Angeline (in unison): Afternoon, Judge Purcell.

Judge Purcell: And a fine afternoon it is. I saw the renovations you made to the restaurant, and I think they're... (as he speaks, Luther turns around to face Purcell. The judge is rather surprised to see the eyepatch.) Good Lord, Luther! What happened to your eye?!

Luther (somberly): Oh, you can blame Clarence for that, judge.

(Luther motions to the rooster on the fence post. Angeline nods in agreement.)

Angeline: Yup, Luther got a little too rough with his cock. Every time it got out of line, he'd start whacking that thing like there was no tomorrow. Well, 'bout a week ago he'd spanked it too much, and it just exploded right in his face.

Luther: It was like a stream of fury. But, at least he got me instead of my darlin' Angeline. I don't think any woman likes havin' her face messed up by a wild cock. (contemplates) Probably a few perverse ones who enjoy it, though. (whistles) I swear, though, I should have that pecker registered as a dangerous weapon.

Angelina (sarcastically): Oh, you give that cock of yours too much credit, Luther.

Judge Purcell (chuckling): Doesn't surprise me too much. Why when I was younger and I had to tend to the animals Mama always warned me, "Boy, you beat your cock too much and you'll end up blind."

Luther: Well, I don't know how true that is, your honor, but my hands are just covered in blisters. I guess I'll stop slapping it around so much. It's not good for either of us.

Angeline: Luther, why not show Judge Purcell the trick you taught Clarence.

Luther: Oh, right, right. Check this out, judge. We taught him how to do this for the livestock show. Watch. (He turns to the rooster and whistles) All right Clarence, on three. One, two...

(The rooster flies off its perch and into Luther's hands. Both he and Angeline look rather disappointed.)

Luther (upset): Aw damn! Stupid cock came too early again!

Angeline (sympathetic): Don't fret none, honey. I'm sure that happens to a lot of farmers. (she shakes her head unconvincingly)

Judge Purcell: It's nothing to get to worked up about, Luther. I hear they make a pill now that can take care of that problem.

(Their conversation is interrupted by a loud braying noise that startles all three of them.)

Angeline (shocked): What on earth was that?!

(Another casually-dressed farmer, Charlie, rushes onto the scene. He is panting from a shortage of breath, and looks quite worried.)

Luther (surprised): Charlie, what's the matter?!

Charlie (panicked): It's Max, he's gone wild. I can't control him.

Judge Purcell (in a relaxing tone): It's okay, Charlie. I'll help you out here, show me what the problem is.

Charlie (still worried): All right. Follow me judge.

(The two run off and exit the scene, reappearing in another fenced setting where a donkey is wildly bucking and braying. Judge Purcell looks on in shock)

Judge Purcell (amazed): My God, he's moving around so wildly. (Turns to Charlie) It's like your ass is on fire, Charlie.

Charlie (somberly): I know, I know. I just don't know what's wrong with Max. He won't listen to any of my commands. (shakes his head and mutters angrily) Dumb ass. I don't know how to control it.

Judge Purcell: Have you tried a high-fiber diet?

Charlie (snapping): Be serious, your honor! How the hell can fiber fix this problem?! I swear, I thought you would...

Judge Purcell (interrupting): Charlie, Charlie, you've gotta calm your ass down. I'm just trying to help. Okay now, you've got a pretty docile beast there. Just smack your ass around a couple of times and he'll behave. He shouldn't act up on you.

Charlie (determined): Okay, I'll give it a shot.

(Charlie hops the fence, and Purcell turns to watch the event. The camera angle shifts to show a sideways view of Purcell looking at Charlie in action. The sounds of kicking, braying, and human howling can be heard.)

Judge Purcell (shouting) That's right, Charlie! Put your foot up that ass! Show him who's ass master! Don't worry about him hurting you. I've got my pistol, I'll bust a cap in your ass if there's any sign of danger. (The grunitng stops, and a gentle calm can be heard) Yeah, that's how ya do it! Nice going, Charlie!

(The camera angle then shifts again to show Charlie and his donkey approach the fence, looking at the judge. The donkey has mud on its snout and is braying gently)

Charlie: You were right, your honor. He didn't even put up a fight. Thanks for you help. (He shakes Purcell's hand from over the fence as the donkey rubs its muddy snout against his jeans.)

Judge Purcell (proudly): Well, I'm glad I could be of assistance, Charlie. (He pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket and gives it to Charlie.) Here, wipe your ass off before your jeans get stained.

(Charlie takes the handkerchief and walks off to the left, taking his donkey with him. As Purcell waves them off, a young blonde woman dressed similar to Daisy Duke strolls over to him, accompanied by a young man in casual wear.)

Billie Jean (cheerfully): Hi there Daddy. Wat'cha up to?

(Purcell turns around to see his daughter and a smile grows on his face. He gives her a big hug.)

Judge Purcell (happily): Billie Jean! I didn't think you'd be coming today! But it is a pleasure to see you here. (he motions to the young man) Good to see you too, Ray. (Ray nods in response) I had some time to kill before the judging began, so I helped Charlie Danvers get his ass in gear. What are you kids up to?

Ray: Not much, your honor. We were just samplin' some of the crops the farmers were offering. Mighty tasty stuff this season.

Billie Jean: Yep. Everything's just so delicious. As a matter of fact, Ray and his dad have some of their harvest in the fair as well. We're gonna check that out next, and Ray's gonna let me taste his nuts. (she licks her lips in anticipation) Mmm-mmm.

Ray (chuckling nervously): Well, I'm glad I was able to whet your appetite, Billie Jean. I certainly hope you like 'em. They're firm, but I swear they will just melt in your mouth. I've been handling them daily since I was thirteen to keep 'em in proper shape. I made sure to keep 'em clean, too. Don't want no fuzz or bugs ruining your oral delight.

Billie Jean: I just hope they're not too salty. (They laugh lightly again, and when done, she kisses her father on the cheek.) See you later, Daddy.

Ray: Have a good day, your honor.

(The two exit to the left, waving goodbye to Purcell as he sees them off.)

Judge Purcell: Bye now, you two have fun. Heh heh. (He stops chuckling when a thought crosses his head.) Wait a minute... Ray's family grows corn and wheat! (A beat passes as he realizes what they were implying, and he raises his voice loudly) Hey, come back here you two!

(Judge Purcell rushes off after Billie Jean and Ray, leaving the scene)

(Fade out.)

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I'll post some Update jokes here too as a precaution (three posts in a row, hat trick!) -- Jim Bevan, 10:36:19 10/21/05 Fri