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Date Posted: 02:19:46 11/24/05 Thu
Author: JP
Subject: Review on a dance floor: Part I
In reply to: JP 's message, "I will quickie review!" on 02:38:44 11/21/05 Mon


Yo, here's something of a review.

I think III used to like put comments within the body of a skit when he'd do reviews sometimes. I'm gonna try that cuz...like...I'm gonna try that.

Hey, peeps. Seriously, everyone NEEDS to start watching Arrested Development. If everyone and I mean EVERYONE starts watching it, there is a chance that it will be reknewed again. It starts in December...so c'mon.

Now, before you say u don't think it's funny and such...I don't care. Just watch it. Cuz it's hilarious and I want to keep on watching it. If you know people in the Nielson family, get them to turn on their sets and have it on. They don't need to even watch it. C'mon, as a favor to me.
YAY!

And though I have been "seeing" Shakira as of late and therefore I might be a "bit" "bias", I'd say that her new video "Don't Bother" is something you "Should Bother" seeing.

Wait, someone just stole that old ladies purse! I gotta go.

(JP jumps into his Ferrari and chases down the perp. Elaborate car chase scenes are peppered throughout the reviews.)

*******************Reluctant Lorne***********************
…Lorne Michaels
…Tina Fey
…Eva Longoria

(Fade in – shot of 30 Rockefeller Plaza)

(SUPER: Earlier tonight, Lorne’s Office)

(Lorne Michaels and Tina Fey sit in Lorne’s office)

Lorne: Tina, who do we have booked for tonight’s show?

Tina Fey: Eva Longoria from “Desperate Housewives” and the metal band Korn.

Lorne: That sounds like a great show! This sounds like one of those shows I would have booked in 1984, if I was running the show. (Attempts to do a Don Pardo impression) Mr. T with musical guest Ozzy Osborne!

<b>//This last bit by Lorne kinda confused me. So it's like Eva Longoria=Mr. T and Korn=Ozzy Osbourne? Mr. T is like my hero, and maybe that's why I don't get this.</b>

Tina Fey: (suddenly looks at her watch) Lorne, I have to go! I’ve got to go get pregnant again, so I can give birth for May sweeps!

<b>//The baby would be premature! Aside from that it's a funny idea. Though again, there's nothing funny about a premature baby. I've heard that they are taunted by the 9 monthers in the maternity ward. Those bastards...</b>

Lorne: That sounds like a fabulous idea.

(Tina Fey exits; Lorne gets up and starts pondering, as he looks the “projected guest” board in his office)

Lorne: Marci, are we sure we wanted Korn to be the musical guest tonight? Aren’t we a little worried that they might try to say, “f*** yeah” like System Of A Down did back in May? Why did we book Korn, again? (A beat) Oh…right, because we’ve had too many rap acts on the show. Wasn’t tonight’s show supposed to be John Goodman and Fiona Apple? Why couldn’t Goodman host again? Oh right, he’s got nothing to promote. He’s not on “Roseanne” anymore? (A beat) Oh. And, the last time Fiona Apple was on the show, half the writers, Jimmy Fallon and Don Pardo all got herpes. Right. I learned that lesson back in 1980 with Anne Murray. (As an after thought) Still, why couldn’t we have had 50 Cent host the show? Oh right! That means Kenan and that…other guy would have been in every sketch that episode…and we can’t have that. That’s a good idea.

<b>//This part was really good. I like the idea of a John Goodman/Fiona Apple show. The Anne Murray part was funny. This whole thing by Lorne is good, though I'd be inclined to get rid of the last line 'That's a good idea.' cuz it doesn't seem to fit with anything.</b>

(Enter Eva Longoria)

Eva Longoria: Hey Lorne!

Lorne: Marci, did you call the escort service? It’s not Wednesday night!

<b>//I liked this. Maybe ditch the '!' mark. There are too many of those. Sometimes I get carried away with them too! But it gets kinda annoying! Cuz people don't generally get excited after everything they say! You know what I mean! Cool!</b>

Eva Longoria: No Lorne, it’s me. Eva Longoria, from “Desperate Housewives”! I’m hosting the show tonight!

Lorne: Right…I remember I had an idea a few years back…called “The Desperate Executive Producer!” It was going to be a reality show about me trying to get Will Ferrell to stay on the show…and then Kattan and Tracy…and then Jimmy Fallon. Jeff Zucker didn’t like the idea. And now the network is in 4th place…and now you know why!

<b>//Another approach would have been to go deeper into what he did to try and keep Ferrell on the show. Like “I'll never forget that hunger strike...wanna see a picture? I look a lot like an Olsen Twin. Ashley, not that other one. I started eating again before that could happen.”. Then he could be talking about how he couldn't find a good host after Ferrell left which would lead into the next thing. I would just like to see the ideas brought out more, instead of just having names dropped.</b>

Eva Longoria: Well, I guess your show was “desperate” for a great host! (Laughs at herself)

Lorne: (canned laugh) That’s funny. Did one of our writers come up with that?

Eva Longoria: No, I just came up it!

Lorne: Wow. That wasn’t even a funny joke. I bet our writers came up with a lot of jokes that aren’t even half as funny as that one. (Depressed) Oh…

<b>//This leaves me a little confused. It seems more logical like:
Lorne: (Depressed) Oh…I bet our writers came up with a lot of jokes that aren’t even half as funny as that one. (to self)That wasn’t even a funny joke.</b>

Eva Longoria: Are you okay?

Lorne: Marci, do you know where my handgun is? Never mind! I’m ready to die now!

(Lorne opens up the window of his office; proceeds to jump out)

(Eva Longoria runs to the window; looks back to the camera)

Eva Longoria: Wow! That was desperate! (Laughs to herself) LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

<b>//Nice LFNYISN</b>

<b>Overall, it was a standard kind of premise but was developed well.</b>

NEXT!

***********MONOLOGUE*********************

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Eva Longoria!

[Eva enters from the backdoor of home base]

Eva Longoria: Thank you! Thank you! You like me! You really like me! [Laughs] I say that because, Seth kept telling me that I reminded him of a young Sally Field! I’m honored! Thank you for coming to the show tonight and thank you for watching! I never get a chance to say that to the 4 billion viewers of “Desperate Housewives”. Sometimes I wish I could do our show in front of an audience, but then people would really discover how bitchy the “housewives” really are. Trust me, we are! You get 5 women menstruating the same week, oh boy!

<b>Now that I'm looking out for them...there are too many '!'s. It's annoying! Unless you're Regis, you shouldn't have '!' marks at the end of almost every sentence! Heh. Okay, no more about that. Maybe exaggerate more with the 4 billion. Obviously it's an exaggeration but it almost made me wonder if it was just a mistake. Be like:
“I never get a chance to say that to the 40 billion viewers...”
or even more silly
“I never get a chance to say that to the 40 bazillion viewers...”
Cuz, let's face it, a bazillion is pretty silly.</b>

Many people know about my character on the show, but not the real person. I’m Eva Longoria…not the character I play on “Desperate Housewives”! I’m just a small town girl from Texas and I love horses and cheap laughs…like watching Teri Hatcher trip down a flight of stairs! I love chocolate, and teddy bears and screwing the “best boy” in between takes! I love water sports and watching Marcia Cross get food poisoning!

<b>This part was really well done with the contrasting elements in the sentences! There is probably some room for improvement! Overall though, I really liked the way it was done!</b>

Some of you have heard that my boyfriend is San Antonio Spurs star Tony Parker. Well, that’s not true. I actually don’t like to watch basketball, or sports in general. But I do like to watch the news, thou. And that is why I want to let the world know who my REAL boyfriend is. He’s simply one of the nicest, warmest gentlemen I’ve ever met and that’s why I’m pregnant with our children. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the amazing Ted Koppel!

<b>K, I use 'u' instead of you...but 'thou'? No. That's an actual olden days word. I mean 'tho' maybe, but even then, it's annoying. In any case, it's redundant to use 'but' and 'thou' in the same sentence, though.
“And that is why I want to let the world know who my REAL boyfriend is.'
seems to suggest we're given some sort of reason for why she wants to tell us but the last couple of sentences don't really establish that. Something like
“That's a little hint as to the identity of my REAL boyfriend.”
Always look for little things to add. Like:
“He's siimply one of the nicest, warmest gentlemen I've ever met, and this just in, I'm pregnant with his child.”
Something.</b>

[Ted Koppel joins Eva Longoria at home base]

Ted Koppel: Thank you, Eva. It's great to be here. You know, this show has poked fun at me on many an occasion, but they've never asked me to host. Not even after over thirty-five years in the television business. And here you are with one season of "Desperate Housewives" under your belt and you're already hosting the show. [Pouting] It's just not fair!

<b>This was good. Seems like he's dissing her a bit which doesn't seem right.</b>

Eva Longoria: [reassuringly] Oh, Teddy, don't be like that! I'm sure you'll get to host someday!

Ted Koppel: [in a challenging voice] Oh yeah? When? I'm done with Nightline in a few days, and then my career is over. [A beat] Do you mind if I co-host with you?

Eva Longoria: Who do you think you are? The “Alec Baldwin” to my “Kim Basinger”?!

Ted Koppel: Actually, I thought I was the “Richard Benjamin” to your “Paula Prentiss”.

<b>Who is that Rege?</b>

[Enter Tom Brokaw]

Tom Brokaw: Hello, Ted. Eva. T-Pac, relax! I never got to host either, and I worked for this stupid network.

Ted Koppel: Do you wanna go get loaded and make fun of Bill O’Reilly?

Tom Brokaw: Sounds like a plan to me, amigo!

[Ted kisses Eva]

Ted Koppel: I love you, sweetheart. I’ll see you back at the apartment. Have fun hosting!

Eva Longoria: Okay, babe. I love you.

[Ted exits the stage]

Tom Brokaw: Eva, do you happen to have Nicolette Sheridan’s phone number? I want to make a booty call to my ex-girlfriend!

Eva Longoria: No, sorry.

Tom Brokaw: DAMN!

[Tom exits the stage]

Eva Longoria: We have a great show for you tonight! Korn is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!

<b>I enjoyed the idea and it was developed good. I believe the ending could be improved upon. The booty call left a bad taste in my mouth...</b>

******************A Message From God******************

Didn't really have any helpful comments for this one.
I'm saying that now...for later.

******************Jake Something************************
[ fade in ]

[ ext. Forest – Day ]

[ Two hippies, Willow (Longoria) and Dogwood (Hader), are chained spread-eagled to a giant redwood tree ]

<b>Right away the scene is set. It's like 'BAM!'. I like that. I think that's a key to short form stuff like this. Try and get to the funny as quickly as possible. This is a great example of that.</b>

Willow: I can't believe they want to tear down this forest for an oil field!

Dogwood: They won't dare to destroy these beautiful souls while we're chained to this redwood.

Willow: Still, I think we may have overdone it with the chains. A little too tight; I can barely turn my head. And what if I have to relieve myself?

Dogwood: That's why I'm wearing a man-skirt!

[ Hippie (Samberg) enters with juice boxes, which he holds up to the mouths of Willow and Dogwood so they can drink ]

<b>Samberg seems like the perfect hippie.</b>

Hippie: How are you two peace lovers doing? I brought some granola for you as well. [ begins hand-feeding both Dogwood and Willow ] I can't believe you were chosen to be chained to Grandmother Redbark! I'm so jealous.

Willow: My spirit is overflowing!

Hippie: I want you to know you have the support of the entire C.F.C. team behind you, should you need anything. [ a rumbling sound ] Well, that's probably Haliburton's token contractor, hold a tent in nature's heaven for me! [ exits ]

<b>Would it be more effective to say what CFC stands for first...then abbreviate it and it would get laughs because it's abbreviation CFC is like a bad environmental thing. Maybe I'm being retarded, it just seems like there is a joke there that could stand out more.</b>

[ rumbling increases as the very front of a bulldozer enters scene. It moves back and forward just a smidgen a few times, before it finally switches off and Jake Something (Armisen) enters the scene wearing hard hat ]

<b>Say this were a recurring character. This kind of entrance is great. Folks would be clapping and stuff. Nice.</b>

Jake: Ehh, sorry about how long that took. [ lights up a cigarette ] Parallel parking in front of an audience always makes me so self-conscious, hear? I didn't run over anything did I?

Dogwood: Only the souls of a thousand grasses!

Jake: I put my blinker on, they saw it coming. And that bulldozer, it goes [ annoyingly ] "Beep, beep, beep" as it backs up, hear? Never driven anything as noisy in my life, oh, except this one pair of lips from Cleveland. Ugh, and she smelled like day-old steamed lobster. You know what that's like?

Willow: We don't eat lobster; we're vegans.

Dogwood: This one time, my roommate put a lava lamp in Cracky's aquarium and it broke.

<b>Transition is a bit weird.
Dogwood: I know what it's like. (tearing up)This one time, my roomate put a lava lamp in Cracky's aquarium...and it broke.
Or
Dogwood: Wait, remember that one time...

Stuff</b>

Willow: That was sooo sad.

Jake: Ehh, I've accidentally killed a pet plenty of times myself. First there was Tippy – dad ran over him. Then Rex – mom ran over him. Rover and Princess – my sister's new license. Then Goldy and Flippy – my dad again, but I had left their tank in the driveway. Those were just the ones when I was a kid. Once I started driving, I ran over Jekyll, Hyde, Mary, Shelley, Frankenstein, Abbott, Costello, Doc Gooden, Darryl Strawberry, Gary Carter, Keith Hernandez, uhhh, Mookie Wilson… hrmm, not gonna figgur the other ten but they were all from the 1986 Mets, hear?

<b>I like the pet names. It's like they kind of all fit together. Monsters, then Abbot and Costello who have met a few montsers, the the baseball which ties to Abbot and Costello because they did that 'Who's on first.' stuff. Or maybe I'm nuts. It's all good.</b>

Willow: That is …loathsome? …atrocious? …execrable? I don't have a word for that!

Jake: [ in complete seriousness ] Then I got my second car.

Dogwood: I'm just going to choose not to believe this.

Willow: What are you doing here, anyway?

Dogwood: And who are you?

Jake: Name's Jake Something – don't be foolin' on it. "Don't you ever blame someone for a funny name." It's true cause it rhymes, hear? Guy named Victoria told me. [ lights another cigarette, tossing old butt on ground ]

Willow: You're just going to throw that on the ground?

Jake: Don't be piling your cow farts on me! I'm just here as a re-per-resentation of some big powderheads with more money than you. The second you step away from that tree, I'm here to knock it down, hear? Now, let's all be calm little beasties and get some work done. [ takes a drag, then pulls out a pen and paper, flips through a few pages ] Either of you know a good word to describe a watermelon? I've tried green, but it's just… ehh not feeling it. You know how it is when you're writing a novel?

<b>Cow farts? That confused me. Nice segueway into the novel bit.</b>

[ a few beats as Dogwood and Willow remain unresponsive, mutually disgusted ]

Jake: Alright, I can take a hint, no need to shout!

<b>Nice line.</b>

[ int. Museum – Day ]

[ Birchum (Sudeikis) stands with a gun in his hand next to Curator (Dratch). Background is green-screened, and changes to whatever crosses Jake's mind at the time ]

Jake (V/O): It's about this guy, Birchum, who decides to rob a museum, or a zoo, or a morgue, or something like that. And the curator, she secretly wants to hit the sheets with him, hear? Man in power and hidden desires and all that? Wait, why's there a curator at a morgue? Forgot to change that. Yeah, so she's a mortician.

[ Other Guy (Meyers) enters scene wearing an absolute mish-mash of costumes, including cowboy and 80's punk themed articles ]

Jake (V/O): And then this other guy comes in and he was either her father, or brother, or maybe her [ pauses for a very vocal drag ] Nicotine gods that feels good. Yeah, the other guy went to stunt school with her. Errr, then Birchum's gonna shoot someone. You'd think he'd shoot the other guy so he could make with the dirty-damsy, but no, that'd be too obvious. And he's not shooting her, because this ain't no opera, hear? You only kill your kitty off in opera. Huh. Maybe I need another guy in there.

[ Another Guy (Forte) enters wearing space suit pants, a business suit top, and giant sideburns ]

Jake (V/O): Yeah, this another guy is Birchum's buddy, but Birchum shoots him… wait, something's off on that costume. What good is a scene in a pancake factory [ background changes again ] if one of the characters has GIANT SIDEBURNS?

Another Guy: I like these sideburns. I'm very proud of them.

Jake (V/O): There are no giant sideburns in my novel!

Curator: I think they're quite attractive and manly. It's like a Civil War ZZ Top.

Another Guy: See?

Jake (V/O): Silence! This is my novel! You will not bring it down, hear!?!

Another Guy: It's just words. How about I can still have them and you just don't mention them?

<b>Heh heh heh. I really think that whole scene is cool. And the logic of not mentioning them is hilarious.</b>

Jake (V/O): You are questioning my authority?

[ a rustle is heard as Jake runs between sets, joining the crew in front of the green screen ]

Jake: I made you and I can unmake you! [ in narrator voice ] Birchum shoots Another Guy.

[ Birchum shoots Another Guy, who drops dead. Then Birchum shoots Jake, who doesn't ]

Jake: You can't shoot me! [ in narrator voice ] Bubonic plague, now!

<b>Heh heh. Though truly there is nothing funny about the bubonic plague.</b>

[ other actors die, making weird groaning noises ]

[ freeze frame ]

[ sounds of typewriters and printers ]

[ int. Office – Day ]

[ Editor (Hammond) sits at desk ]

Editor: [ into phone ] Judy, is Jake Something out there… no, don't send him in, God no. Just tell him the novel was alright, but it could have used a few more characters with monstrous sideburns.

<b>Irony is cool.</b>

<b>Overall I thought this was great. The premise was original and the execution was tops. There is a lot going on visually and such which is nice and I think it'd be great fun to watch.</b>

[ fade out ]

*********************Totally Awesome Tires****************
[Scene opens on Tim and Tony in front of some cheesy backdrop.]
<b>Cheesy backdrop is pretty non-descript. Just as 'Jake Something' was an example of how to set up a scene, this was an example of how to not set up a scene.</b>

Tim: Hey, I'm Tim.

Tony: Yo, I'm Tony.

Tim: We're co-owners of Totally Awesome Tires and Stuff, the store that sells...

Tony: Totally awesome tires and stuff! But mostly, (increasingly excited) Totally Awesome Tires!

[Tim and Tony walk over to Kirsten who is wearing shorts and a tank top a la Hooters that reads 'TATAS']

<b>Tatatas...</b>

Tim: From the cool, sophisticated store design, to our helpful staff, we're sure that you'll be totally satisfied with our service. We can satisfy your tire needs. Just walk up to the counter and say...

Tony: SHOW US YOUR TATAS!

Kirsten: (reading) Sure thing. (motioning like a 'Price is Right' model) We have all sorts of totally awesome tires and stuff!

Tim: Tony.

Tony: Yes, Tim.

Tim: What makes our tires better than all the other tires?

Tony: Hmmm...could it be that each of our tires is made of high grade rubber?

Tim: Possibly.

Tony: Or could it be our cutting edge tire design?

Tim: Hmmm...high quality materials and a cutting edge design...do you suppose that's our secret?

[Scroll moves across screen reading: 'Disclaimer – Totally Awesome Tires are made out of cheap rubber clumped together in a circular fashion – Tatas legal department.]

Tony: Whatever it is, these tires are totally awesome!

Tim: You're right. And according to our research, these tires can handle any driving condition you can throw at them!

[Scroll moves across screen reading: *Disclaimer: Totally Awesome Tires may not perform well on wet, snowy, icy or some dry road conditions – Tatas legal department.]

<b>The Disclaimers are sort of okay...but what's with the *. It's like you put this one in first with a * and then added the other ones later and weren't consistent. C'mon!</b>

Tony: Awesome. Without a doubt, whether you're driving across the frozen tundra of Alaska or into the unforgiving desert in Nevada, you're in safe hands with totally awesome tires!

[Scroll moves across screen reading: “You are not in safe hands with totally awesome tires. These guys are idiots – Tatas legal department”]

Tim: There are a lot of great athletes in the world today. But what separates athletes like Marion Jones, Mark McGuire and Hulk Hogan from other great athletes?

Tony: They're not only great, they're awesome!

Tim: And what makes them awesome?

Tony: They're awesome!

Tim: That's right, steroids.

<b>Hey! Boo to suggesting Marion Jones was on steroids. I don't think that's ever been proven!</b>

Tony: Awesome!

Tim: And just like those athletes, we use whatever edge we can get, to make Totally Awesome Tires the awesomest tires possible.

Tony: Awesome!

Tim: That's right, and though we don't condone the use of drugs, our tires are now 50% anabolic steroids.

Tony: These tires are totally awesome!

Tim: With performance-enhancing anabolic steroids helping your car along, there's no telling how fast you'll be able to go!

<b>This was a lazy line. You could have suggested how fast you could go.
Tim: With performance-enhancing anabolic steroids helping your car along, your car will perform like a young Jose Cansenco and take your team to where it needs to go.
Bah, or something better.</b>

Tony: And no worries...

[Cut to police man holding a cup next to a car tire with the 'Totally Awesome Tires' label.]

Cop: I need you to pee in this.

[Tony pops his head in from the side.]

Tony: NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

[Cut back to Tim standing next to Kirsten.]

Tim: But we didn't stop there.

[Tony enters again.]

Kirsten: Wait...you mean we've packed more awesomeness into your already Totally Awesome Tires?

Tony: You know it, Kirsten. We didn't have to, but we've added something very special to each of our Totally Awesome Tires.

Tim: That's right.

Tony: Inside of each tire, along with the air, is a small sample of Mickey Rourke's semen.

<b>WTF? That's messed up. It's too random and it's disgusting.</b>

Tim: How do we manage to collect enough so we could put it into every one of our tires?

Tony: It was surprisingly easy.

Kirsten: Ohhh, I love Mickey Rourke. I feel so much more awesome knowing that wherever I go, a little piece of him comes along for the ride.

[Scroll moves across screen reading: Tatas is not responsible for any grossness occurring, should a tire explode – Tatas legal department”]

<b>Unnecessary. Couldn't you have thought of something else to add? Like...I don't know...pieces of Michael Jackson's real nose or fat from Kirstie Alley's liposuction. Even those are horrible. How about something like a beannie baby? Something, anything!</b>

Tim: Awesome!

Tony: Come to TATAS and get you Totally Awesome Tires Today.

Kirsten: We also sell key chains and bubble gum and my breasts are real!

<b>Maybe there could have been a disclaimer here like “Unlikely – Tatas legal department.</b>

Tim: Awesome!

Tony: Totally.

[Fade Out]

<b>Well, this was upbeat, what with all the 'Awesome!' stuff going on. I think it looks more like something that might work better as a character skit rather than a commercial. The reasons for the tires being awesome could be refined a bit. Mickey Rourke's semen really ruined it for me. Just like that one spring break in Daytona...</b>

(JP's Ferrari comes screeching into view. He gets out and runs his hands through his hair and gives his head a shake as he removes his sunglasses. He gives the old lady her purse back.)

Old Lady: Oh my. What a fine young man. I should set you up with my granddaughter.

JP: (chuckles)Ohh please. Seriously, please! I'm so desparately lonely!

Old Lady: Awkward...

(Old Lady backs away slowly)

JP: *sigh*

<b>YAY! I'm done up to the WU! K, I need to take a bit of a break. I post what I have just to show that I am working on it.

Now I need to go on e-bay and get me an x-box 360!

$1000.00???? I'll take two!!!!!!!
</b>

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Replies:

  • Review on a dance floor: Part II -- JP, 04:05:15 11/24/05 Thu
  • Good Review JP, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! (NT) -- Prateek S., 12:41:49 11/24/05 Thu
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