Re: Sketch help -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 22:13:15 03/12/05 Sat
Author: Marcus Campbell
Subject: Re: Sketch help
In reply to: Hillary 's message, "Re: Sketch help" on 21:37:38 03/12/05 Sat

[open on a board room, darkened with people smoking and their sleeves rolled up as if they've been there for awhile working hard. Three Army officials, The Lieutenant General Jacques Bernier, General Ray Henault, Alberta Premier Tony Ianno, Deputy Prime Minister John Manley and Prime Minister Paul Martin sit at a table]

General Henault: Okay ladies, I wanna know what one
of you thought it was alright to ruin
our plans?!?

[silence]

General Henault: Come on? Who spoiled the invasion?
Who?!? Who started the fires in
Quebec to shroud the Eastern seaboard
in smoke before we had finished
preparing the full-scale invasion of
the U.S.?

[silence]

General Henault: Well, great. [sits down in
frustration]

Lt. General Bernier: Look, what the General means is
that the classic war maneuvre of
blinding the enemy in advance of
an attack, the smoke now blankets
American skies as far south as
Washington D.C., is wasted. We
were supposed to line up on the
border, then start the fires.

General Henault: It's not like we can do it again.
They'll know it's us. I had a cute
little house in the Poconos all
picked out, too.

Tony Ianno: Well, what I want to know is how, after
decades of secret planning, the invasion
forces were not ready?

John Manley: The military was waiting for approval.
Whenever we engage in a military
operation, and certainly one of this
magnitude, we look to our U.S. allies
for guidance.

Tony Ianno: But...we were going to invade the U.S.

John Manley: Oh, ah.

Paul Martin: Well, don't worry. I smoothed things
over with Bush. I told him the smoke
wasn't from Quebec, it was from al
Quebec.

General Henault: And that worked?

Paul Martin: Yeah, he said "damn, those guys are
everywhere!" and hung up.

Lt. General Bernier: Well, look, maybe we can't
launch a full scale invasion
now, but I'm pretty sure we
could still sneak down to Tampa
Bay and steal the Stanley Cup
back, I mean there's a port in
St. John's...

General Henault: No, no, I say we just hold back.
It's best of not to start with the
U.S.

Lt. General Bernier: It would really make more sense
to go after them.

General Henault: Really? Remember we only have 70, 000
people in our armed forces while the
U.S. has two million but yeah, that
sounds like a great idea.

Tony Ianno: Wait, so if we're 1.9 million soldiers
short, how were we going to pull this
invasion off in the first place? Were we
just going to use smoke?

John Manley: And mirrors. Lots and lots of mirrors.

[a beat]

John Manley: Well, the plan isn't finished.

Tony Ianno: Look, we're in some deep shit right now,
that al Quebec thing won't hold over when
Cheney gets word of it. I say, we just
hide under the ash cover under things
cool down.

General Henault: No, that's unneccessary.

Tony Ianno: They'll start a war. How is hiding
unnecessary? You just said yourself we
have no forces to fight back with.

General Henault: Yeah, but we're in Canada. Most
Americans can't find us now.

Lt. General Bernier: That's right. Okay, so the plans
are just scrapped?

And that's where I'm stuck.

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