So, like, where's your review? -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 18:09:10 03/18/05 Fri
Author: Stupid
Subject: So, like, where's your review?
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: David Spade 03/12/05" on 10:01:48 03/15/05 Tue

Alright. So I said to myself, Stupid, you better review this week or else we�re hoping on a plane to Switzerland and getting a sex change. That�s how badly I wanted to review�not how badly I want to become a woman. Now, I only have enough money for the boobies part so basically, if I hadn�t reviewed I would have ended up with a woman�s torso�

Actually, I started thinking about that and it sounds kinda cool at first. Having your own boobies�hmmm.

Anyways, yeah, but then I thought about it and I�m sure my friends would want to touch them and stuff. And dammit, they�re mine. I know I�m a dude so technically they wouldn't be REAL boobies, but whatever. And then at work people would notice, and it�s mostly dudes, and they�d probably be staring at them the whole time. It�s like �hello, I�m up here!�. Why do men have to be such freakin� pigs? What�you guys don�t have a modicum of self control that u can�t help yourself from objectifying me like that in what�s supposed to be a professional environment? Ogling me in the pub while I'm trying to relax while shairng a couple of drinks with friends isn't enough for you? The bullocks! Oh sure I could strap them down with some kind of body wrap but why the heck should I? Why can�t I walk around with the boobies I acquired thanks to medical science and the lack of respect I have for my own body? Because men are bastards, that�s why!

I am so glad I ended up reviewing�

(Stupid takes a moment)

Btw, the rumors are true. I am going out with Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Let�s begin�

Oh and what I�m doing is, I�m jotting down my thought process as I read each skit. It�s live, on the fly reviewing. That also means I might not have taken the time to fully �get� each skit. We�ll see how it goes!

(Stupid sits back in his chair and turns on SNY)

Ahh, David Spade�what a smar***.

(Stupid watches �And the Oscar goes to�)

Cool. An Oscar�s parody. 2012�eight years hosting�is that right�yup. Starts off kind of racist�a parody of Chris Rock�s actual material? Hmmm�

Funny references to Dean and Jeff�heh heh heh Ray, The Billy Ray Cyrus story. Excellent.

How is Jack Nicholson gonna win 50 some Oscars in 7 years? Heh. Don�t get the �Hey Jude, you�re Lawful!� really, cuz Lawful means he follows the law...maybe that's the joke.

Hilarious with Tom Hanks mouthing f u.

Rounds out nicely and has lots of cool references. Has Spade doing LFNY just like the real show.

Cool.

(Stupid watches �David Spade�s monologue)

Only 3 seasons? Crazy. Heh, the ghost of Chris Farley. Horrible reference to 8 simple rules but the John Ritter part is funny. Heh, Matt Foley part is funny. Nice concept with Spade complaining about the script but it could be handled a bit more believably. It�s one thing for Tina to take the mickey out of herself, it�s quite another for her to make herself look like an a**.

She could have been like �Just read the script or I�ll get Poehler to kick your ass.�. Or something.

Nice ending, though he�s supposed to say �Stick around we�ll be right back� I think.

(Stupid watches Unstar)

Heh, remember OnstarXXX? Good times. Let�s see what this is like. Heh, it�s short but sweet. The ending line seems like it could be fixed up a bit.

I enjoyed that.

(Stupid watches Einstein time)

Einstein time eh? I wonder if it�ll involve time dilation�

Very enjoyable read. Nice twist with the pop questions. Heh, funny impossible questions. Heh heh heh, delicate geniuses.

Heh heh, I enjoyed the dogs and the �I quit� ending.

Coolness.

(Stupid watches �David Spade: The first man to give birth�)

Heh�interesting. Very interesting. Heh.

(Stupid watches �Zynor�)

Heh heh, nice side effects. Ahh the black plague! And it�s for MILD depression too. Heh. I like how the guy is still into it though. And more side effects�heh. STILL he�ll take it.

I like it. I wonder if the ending could have been punched up a bit. Instead of using polio again, maybe could have hit the audience with a new disease to top all the others.

Awesome show so far!

**************************************************

(Stupid watches Weekend Update)

I will rate these: Fix, Nix or Twix!

Twix means that I�d gladly share my Twix with this joke. Mmm, grab yourself a Twix today! And I�m not getting paid to say that�or am I?

EAT TWIX!!!!!!!

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories.

This week at a press conference, President Bush picked his nose and found the missing Weapons of Mass Destruction. Reportedly, Bush then ate it because he doesn't know any better.

Hmmm�

Amy Poehler: The United Nations granted President Bush victory this week, as the UN declared an all-government ban of �human cloning�. So let me get this straight�Bush doesn�t like gay marriage and human cloning. What does this schmuck like? Let me guess! Saying the phrase �evil doers�, executing and wearing his �don�t mess with Texas!� t-shirt.

(A stagehand gives Amy a sheet of paper)

Amy Poehler: Tina, hang on! A late breaking story! President Bush reportedly likes (clears her throat) football on TV, shots of �Gina Lee� and twins! He loves burritos at 4am, dogs that love cats and�and�and TWINS! And he loves you, too!

Heh heh, I don�t know what happened there but it made me laugh. Not sure I�m ready to share my twix with this joke though�

Tina Fey: Thank you, Amy! Earlier this week, President Bush launched a new campaign to help improve the quality of life of America�s most underprivileged youths. Bush said, �I will leave no child behind! What? North Korea�s got nukes? Sorry kids. I gotta go take care of this first. You understand.�

Heh. A commentary on how Bush is ignoring domestic issues to pursue more international stuff. More political than laugh out loud funny.

President Bush said Wednesday that high gasoline and oil prices are "legitimate concerns" for Americans and the answer is a long-range energy plan that includes drilling in the Arctic wildlife refuges. In future news, millions of animals were killed as the United States destroyed thousands of acres of Arctic wildlife land, so guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger can fuel up their big bad ass hummers, at a somewhat low cost.

Heh heh.

Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said on Wednesday, that the United States "was not involved in any way" in a short-lived coup against Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez but assured that Chavez is committed to democracy. Rice went on to say, �And if, for some reason, my nose is getting bigger, like Pinocchio, then it�s because of allergies and not because I�m lying.�

Weird. However, I would like to point out that while I know very little about Hugo Chavez, I luv his name and hence he�s my favorite maverick leader. Say it like u would �Rico Suave�. (8)Hugo�Chavez.(8). Oh baby.

President Bush and German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder meet this past week. The two world leaders put aside their Iraqi differences and pretended to understand what the other was talking about.

Heh heh heh. (Stupid opens up his Twix package and shares some).

Tina Fey: Bubba, the 22-pound lobster who was estimated to have been 100 years old, died this past week, prior to his move to Ripley's Aquarium in Myrtle Beach. It's a sad moment for crustaceans everywhere, but, hey - everyone's supposed to make sacrifices during Lent. [ picks between her teeth with her fingernail, smacks her lips ]

Hey, they did a joke about this on WU. Didn�t get the Lent reference even though I am Catholic. Have u consider Catholicism? There are over a billion of us. Think about it. They give out free Twix at church now. I share a Twix with this joke.

Amy Poehler: The McDonald's Corporation said on Thursday that it is looking into using remote call centers to take customer orders, in an effort to improve order accuracy at its drive-throughs. Either that, or hire fewer dark-skinned employees.

Nix. It just seems like it could be perceived as racist the way it�s written right now.

Tina Fey: This week a stripper who was once accussed of hurting a customer with her enormous breasts sold one of the her silicone implants to a casino company for 16,766 dollars, this same company also bought the infamous grilled cheese sandwich that had a picture of the Virgin Mary in it. Okay Casino guys I am gonna give you first crack at buying a bit of Amy Poehler's DNA.

Amy Poehler: How are you going to do that?

(Tina proceeds to punch Amy square in the face, she then scrapes off Amy's blood and sweat into a plastic baggy.)

Heh, I thought this was funny. I�m gonna share another Twix.

Amy Poehler: This week Martha Stewart was released from prison after serving a 5 month sentence for lying about a stock trade. Upon getting out she was rewarded with numerous Daytime Emmy Award nominations and a new "Law and Order" show based on her, entitled "Law and Order: Get That Bitch Back In."

Heh.

Tina Fey: A newly released health study reported that more women are overweight than underfed across the world. In related news, the men who wrote this story have been killed.

Heh.

Meanwhile, in Brooklyn this week, a man was arrested after he set up a table to sell girl scout cookies without a license on a street corner. It�s always nice to be reminded that the NYPD will be there to protect us from the dangers of illicit cookie trafficking.

Twix time!

Amy Poehler: Many major league baseball players this week were summoned to appear before a congressional committee to talk about steroid use in baseball. The players have been upset by the accusation that they have taken steroids and, therefore, they turned green, got angry, and crushed the committee's skulls.

Heh. It needs some rewording to deliver that kind of punch that deserves a delicious Twix.

Adult film company New Frontier Media has created a new ring tone for cell phones called "ring moans." That's right, sex moans. While this may be fun sometimes, it will definitely suck if Mom's calling.

Heh heh. Twix time!

Tina Fey: Earlier this week, CBS news personality Dan Rather signed off as head anchor of the �CBS Evening News�, yet came back on the next night to report that his farewell wasn't accurate.

Just needs to be tweaked a bit. The joke is there but a big part of it is in how it�s delivered. Maybe it just needs a �then� instead of a �yet�. Fine, I�ll share a Twix with it.

And now, here with a final word on his stepping down, is the one, the only, Dan Rather.

Dan Rather: Thank you, Tina. Thank you, very, very much! You know, I�ve spent a lot of time thinking about why I needed to and why I wanted to resign from my anchor seat from the CBS Evening News. I figure, at my age, there are many, many things I�d much �RATHER� be doing. I�d �RATHER� be golfing with my friend Tom Brokaw. He is enjoying retirement and I bet I could be, too! I�d �RATHER� be sleeping with sexy Hollywood actresses like �Uma Thurman� and the very sexy �Rebecca Romijn-Stamos��or how about, the very chocolaty colored beauty �Halle Berry�. They are all very sexy. I�d much �RATHER� be doin� that! So, America, I see it fit�a fitting time for me to leave the CBS Evening News, so I, Dan Rather, can get some sweet nookie! Watch out single ladies of Hollywood, the �Rath-man� is coming to get you! This is Dan Rather, formally of CBS News, saying �courage�. Good night!

Tina Fey: Dan Rather, the man, the myth, the legend!

Heh. I would have liked to have seen Jennifer Love Hewitt in that mix�

Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that: "It's not over until the fat lady sings." In a related story, Starr Jones has signed a recording deal with Jive Records.

What�s over?

A late breaking news story! Scientists have found a cure for cancer! More on this story as it develops.

Heh�uh�.

Tina Fey: A cat shot a man in Michigan this week when it knocked his gun off a shelf. The man will be okay, but authorities suspect foul play since Furry was awarded sole heir just last week.

Heh heh. Could be worded a bit better.

A new test conducted this week determined that King Tut was not murdered by a blow to the head, nor was his chest crushed in an accident. Thank God! After 3,300 years of worrying, I can stop losing sleep over this at last.

Heh. (Stupid hands the joke half of his Twix).

Amy Poehler: Germany�s Supreme Court ruled this week that a Neo-Nazi rock group, Landser, is a criminal group. And yet, Ashlee Simpson is still performing sold out concerts!

Heh.

Rapper 50 Cent and former G-Unit member �The Game� called off the bitterness between each other. 50 Cent said, �It was a good idea to do it now, so I don�t get shot 9 times, again.�

Heh. But �The Game� seems more like �The Lame� to me.

Tina Fey: A new release in stores this week is a collection of special edition DVDs of Arnold Schwarzenegger's hit films. The DVDs contain amazing extra features, but be warned. During "The Special Commentary" and "The Personal Interview", you must follow the moving ball above the subtitles as Arnold speaks.

Heh. I think that it�s enough to note that the special commentary and the personal interview are subtitled or something�hmmm.

A mother has been charged with involuntary manslaughter and child endangerment because she neglected her baby�s diaper rash for so long that he died. The mother says she didn�t even know there was a problem until she woke up one morning to a rotten smell. Also in this week�s dead baby news, euthanasia of newborns often goes unreported. (cheery smile)

OUCH! Heh.

Amy Poehler: An update on that �cure for cancer� story: scientists have not found a cure for cancer, they have instead found a cure for the common everyday headache. The cure is - 2 aspirin, a lot of silence and a stiff drink. Sorry for getting anyone�s hopes up.

BOOOOO! Heh heh. I liked that. Here�s a Twix. PSYCHE!

Tina Fey: We here at Weekend Update are always looking for a way to boost the ratings, and I mean any way possible, so to do this, here is a scene from the porno version of "Rocky."

(Rocky and Adrian walk out and behind the Weekend Update desk.)

Adrian: Rocky, you can't make it through another fight again, you're too banged up.

Rocky: No, you're the one who is getting banged.

Adrian: Rocky, take me to the 12th round.

(Rocky and Adrian start making out and feeling each other up. Adrian kneels down below the Update desk.)

Rocky: ADRIAN!

Maybe too suggestive. I�m gonna suggest that maybe they should both fall below the desk or something. Here's half a Twix though.

Amy Poehler: It was reported this past week that THE POPE had a tracheotomy to ease his breathing. But the question remains, did he have the tracheotomy done with a steak knife like it was done in "Pulp Fiction"?

Heh heh.

Survivor contestant Jeff Wilson was eliminated from the CBS reality show this past week. Jeff recently injured his ankle when he slipped on a coconut. The last time someone did that on an island was Gilligan some 30 years ago.

I share a Twix with this joke cuz it made me laugh out loud.

Tina Fey: It was announced this week that television legend Bob Newhart will be joining the cast of ABC spitfire hit "Desperate Housewifes". Now, that's just desperate! Bob doesn�t even have breasts, let alone a vagina!

Bob Newhart is cool.

Amy Poehler: News from the Robert Blake murder trial, the jury spent most of this week deliberating over a verdict. Well, that�s actually a lie. The jury spent most of this week, trying to remember who Robert Blake played in �The Little Rascals�. Does anyone remember?

More interesting than funny. Was he Froggy?

You may have noticed that U.S. airlines have stopped serving meals on their flights. The rival airlines Delta and Southwest are currently engaged in a �snack war.� And by this, we mean that they are competing over which one offers the bigger nuts.

I think this one needs to be reworded.

Tina Fey: Al Sharpton has proposed that rappers who are connected with violent acts should be denied radio airplay. Although he did not mention 50 Cent by name, he did say he would rather be shot nine times before hearing about any more rapper violence.

Heh.

Bill Cosby spoke out this week about the accusations that he groped a woman. Cosby said, "Her breasts were as soft as some Jello pudding."

He wouldn�t say that cuz supposedly he never touched her.

Amy Poehler: The Wisconsin Division of Motor Vehicles made a little mistake when they sent letters reminding drivers to renew their registration; the number they gave on the postcard was actually the number for a psychic hotline. But of course, I knew that already.

I don�t know�

Prosecutors in Arkansas hoped to find a new witness when they subpoenaed a murder suspect. They were surprised to find that the letter�s recipient could not testify, because he was, in fact, a dog, a five year old Shih Tzu. I guess all I have to say to the prosecutors is, �Guess what, boys? The Shih�s on Tzu!�

Tina Fey: Guess they were barking up the wrong tree.

Amy Poehler: Doggone it.

I�m gonna share a Twix because it made me laugh.

Tina Fey: Michael Lohan, the father of Lindsay Lohan, was arrested two weeks ago with a DWI charge. This is the third time he's been arrested, which is pretty funny, considering that Lindsay's the famous one.

Again a Twix.

On Monday, the prosecution in the Michael Jackson pedophile trial, attempted to portray Jackson as a molester. Asked to comment on these accusations, Jackson said, �I�m not a molester, I love little boys. Is that so wrong? I love little boys, and if I choose to show them how much I love them by taking off my pants, then everyone just has to deal with it!�

I don�t know�

Amy Poehler: Michael Jackson arrived at his child molestation trial two hours late Thursday, citing that he hurt his back after he tripped and fell while getting dressed that morning. As opposed to earlier in the week, when he hurt his back while bending over to give fellatio to a third grader.

Not my kind of joke.

And now here with some Celebrity commentary is tonight�s host, Mr. David Spade!

David Spade: Thank you. It�s good to back! I�ve been paying a lot of attention to the Michael Jackson pedophile trial. It�s been a rough one, so far. It�s been a lot of �he said, she said� stuff going on. It�s reminding me more and more of the Kobe Bryant trial�but this case seems a bit more wrenched than the Bryant trial. Bryant had what most people would consider �normal sex� with a female of legal age, Michael had�sorry, allegedly had sexual relations with young boys. Now a lot of people are saying Michael is just messed up in the head. Well, isn�t that calling the kettle black. Everyone I�ve ever met is just a little messed in the head. I�m not saying that Michael is a saint; far be it for me to make a credulous comment about the King of Pop�but if you want to know the truth, I�ve met Michael Jackson and he�s seems like a nice guy. I don�t know and I don�t think the jury will get to see the side of Michael that is as �nice� as I�ve gotten to know. But on the opposite side, Michael could be a real messed up individual under that �eminence front� he�s put on for the cameras and for the jury. I heard Michael�s father say that he thinks Michael�s problems in life have been the result of �racism�. Hearing that, it makes me wonder what race Michael actually is these days. He�s not black, he�s not white�is �white-out� a race? I�m asking. Well, I guess to conclude my little comedy corner here, tonight, I�d just like to say, Michael will either be found guilty or innocent, depending on how many members of the jury are like Michael. And when I mean �like�, I mean �a little messed up in the head� like everyone else on the face of the planet. Thank you and good night.

I have issues with this commentary. Kobe Bryant was accused of rape. That�s nowhere near �normal sex�. Bah, anyways, the �white-out� thing was funny.

Phew! I�m stuffed. Moan joke was my fav.

***************************************************

NEXT!

(Stupid watches �Be Cool - Just Say No�)

Heh Bobby and Joe Pesci. Cool. Mr. No is a great character for David Spade.

Heh heh heh �live table reading�. Very nice line. Nice to see him get beat up.

Had issues with the voice-over. Is �gang-banging� a crime? Cuz if not, then the way it�s written implies it wasn�t consensual which is not funny. It�s just a sour note to an otherwise funny piece.

(Stupid watches �Shower? I hardly know her!�)

Okay, I�ve been looking forward to reading this one because of the name. It seems like it�s a pun but I don�t quite get it. Let�s see what happens�

Nice joke in the first line. Heh, quick with the ladies, nice soft joke. Heh, the situations are funny. Sergeant Dave is cool. �You can hump me later!�, heh heh. Hmmm Sergeant Dave is friendly�.heh heh.

I don�t think Heidi should have been laughing hysterically.

Cool skit! And cool text pun?

(Stupid watches �You Bad Planet�)

Interesting start�easy to read�a preacher who says �horse poop�, heh�heh heh �asians in Idaho� and then it�s like �no, we don�t, she�s just hear for the siteing.��

Hmmm�entertaining.

It was a really good read but it could have had more comedy in it.

(Stupid watches �It�s called PMS!�)

Big ups to Hillary for calling �The Incredibles� as the Oscar Winner for animated movie. Nice work.

Back to the skit�conflict starts early�nice dialogue�riding the cotton bicycle, ewww, heh�heh heh heh �just a bitch��hangun is great proof, heh�.heh heh wowza what an ending.

Started off seemingly slow and cutesy but then took a great comedy turn which was awesome. Really liked the end.

Nice.

(Stupid watches �A Trip to Blockbuster�)

Willy James�I think I remember that�heh famous on the e-bay circuit�why did the clerk want the customer to leave�heh I guess he hates customers�GO SEE THE PACIFIER!�The Rock is actually half African American and half Samoan�hmmm�okay.

Well, there was some interesting stuff in there but it was presented in such a confusing manner it was difficult to follow. Definitely try a rewrite, trying to keep a logical progression and easy to follow mentality in the writing.

AND I�m DONE!

(Stupid falls to one knee)

SUPERSTAR!

Yes, that was dorky but ask yourself this�who�s the one that�s going out with Jennifer Love Hewitt?

(Stupid points to self and then looks sarcastically surprised)

Yeah. That�s what I�m talking about!

Anyways, this was a look into the mind of one of the �MILLIONS AND MILLIONS� of SNY�s fans.

PEACE HOMIES!

STUPID

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That last message subject wasn't direct to anyone, it was just me thinking I'm cool cuz I reviewed (NT) -- Stupid, 18:35:15 03/18/05 Fri