Potential Cold Open -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 07:56:09 05/21/05 Sat
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Potential Cold Open
In reply to: Patrick 's message, "Cold open & Monologue still needed, RE: Lindsay Lohan" on 21:08:34 05/20/05 Fri

I sent this to PAtrick, but I thought I'd post it here as a backup just in case. It's an opening sketch I created in case he didn't have one yet. Hope you like it.

THE NUCULAR OPTION
Jim Bevan

Announcer... Maya Rudolph
Sen. Bill Frist... Rob Riggle
Sen. Barbara Boxer... Amy Poehler
Sen. Jesse Helms... Will Forte
Sen. Rick Santorum... Fred Armisen
Sen. Harry Reid... Darrell Hammond
Sen. Ted Kennedy... Horatio Sanz

Announcer (VO): C-Span now returns to live coverage of the Senate judiciary nomination hearing of judge Priscilla Owen. Today's hearings are expected to be particularly heated due to the frequent use of filibusters by Senate Democrats. Leading Senate Republicans, however, are working feverishly to curtail what they see as any further misuse of this political tool.

(Cut to the Senate floor, where the senators are prepared to begin their hearings. The camera cuts to a Senator each time he or she speaks. Senate Majority leader Bill Frist stands in front of his podium, ready to resume the hearings.)

Sen. Frist: Before we resume today's appeals court nomination hearings, I must again ask why the liberal senators are so adamant in refusing to grant us a simple yes-or-no vote in determining the suitability of these judges. For the past two years, you have used the filibuster to force a number of undoubtedly qualified judges to withdraw their nominations, simply because you did not want to see any more conservative judges on the bench. If you are so opposed to these nominations, then why do you not simply vote against their appointment rather than impede the Senate's work schedule?

(Sen. Barbara Boxer gets up from her desk to answer Frist's question)

Sen. Boxer: With all due respect, Senator Frist, your question is nothing more than emotionally-charged Republican rhetoric. You are accusing my fellow Democratic Senators of misusing a long-standing political technique for advancement of our own party policies. You are equating our congressional rights to a simple case of sour grapes. Now that is completely true, but that's not the main reason we're using the filibuster so frequently.

Sen. Frist (slightly scornful): Then what, may I ask, is your primary motivation for this repeated tactic, Senator Boxer?

Sen. Boxer: Saving our asses, sir. My colleagues and I have analyzed the negative impacts that will arise from casting votes on these nominees. If we vote against their appointment, then should one or more of us run for the presidency, our voting against a qualified judge will damage our appeal in conservative states. If we vote for their appointment, then we will lose finances and support from the Democratic Party headquarters for supporting the enemy. Simply put, Senator Frist; we can't win, so we're not playing.

Sen. Frist: But the people of your state are paying your salary, Senator, and they're expecting you to actually do your job. By abstaining from the vote, you're effectively getting paid for doing nothing.

Sen. Boxer (gleefully): I know. Isn't it great?

(There are various murmurs of "Damn right", and "Yeah, that's the best part of this job" in response to her statement. Senator Jesse Helms jumps up from his seat to respond to Sen. Boxer. He has an angry, crotchety look on his face)

Sen. Helms (loudly and cantankerously): Balderdash! You lousy lilly-livered liberals call what you've been doing a "filibuster"? Fie and poppycock! Look at what you've been doing! Takin' turns when speakin'! Havin' bathroom breaks! Sometimes ya don't even talk at all, just sit there and don't do nothin'! What laziness! Did a bunch a' Mexicans teach ya how ta filibuster?!

(Sen. Frist looks at Helms in shock, and slaps his forehead in embarassment)

Sen. Frist (sternly): Senator Helms, please. Tom DeLay has gotten our party into a deep enough crap hole as is. We don't need you to help him dig!

Sen. Helms (belligerently): Ah, don't interupt me when I'm on a role, ya whippersnapper! (He slams his desktop with his hand) When I was a young pup here, we knew how ta filibuster rightly! We'd go on talkin' for a day and a half at a time, readin' names from phone books, drinkin' our own saliva to keep sated, relievin' ourselves in buckets under our desks! It was a dirty time, but ya had to do it, because the minute ya shut up you were through! That was a good old filibuster! And we didn't abuse it like you left-wing chickens are doin', just ta stick it to President Bush! We would use that filibuster for it's intended purpose, ta keep our fellow senators from passin' legislation we felt would harm the country! Like givin' darkies the same rights that we do!

(Quick cuts to a number of Senators, who again look at Helms with shock)

Sen. Frist: I would like to take up a motion that Senator Helms not be allowed to speak for the remainder of his term.

All Senators (except Helms): Aye!

Sen. Frist: Motion passed.

(Senator Helms looks offended by this vote)

Sen. Frist: Now that this is over, we can return to the matter at hand, the appointment of Priscilla Owen to the United States' federal appeals court. (sighs, then takes a sarcastic tone) Does anyone have any objections?

(Senator Harry Reid rises up to respond)

Sen. Reid: If I may have the floor, Mr. Frist.

Sen. Frist: Go ahead, Senator Reid. (looks at him sinisterly) But if you're loooking to play hardball, we're ready for you this time.

Sen. Reid: Ladies and gentlemen, during the past few weeks we have seen the Congressional Republicans flaunting a flagrant disregard for political tradition, undermining our party's minority rights in order to obtain complete control. But I, for one, will not allow this to happen! Therefore, due to my concerns over the hard-line views held by Judge Owen, and my fears that she would be far too extreme a federal judge, I shall exercise my rights as a United States senator and invoke a filibust...

(Senator Reid is cut off by a shrill whistle. He looks around in surprise, and the camera cuts to Senator Frist, who is taking a sports whistle out of his mouth)

Sen. Frist (holding up the whistle): A gift from one of my former patients. He used to coach junior varsity soccer. (with fake sympathy in his voice) Oh, I'm sorry, did I interrupt you? Please continue.

Sen. Reid (bitterly): As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I shall invoke the right of a filibust... (whistle), a filib...(whistle), a fili...(whistle). (Senator Reid looks quite annoyed and takes an agitated tone of voice) Senator Frist, what is the meaning of this nons... (whistle) Honestly, of all the immature actions you ... (whistle). What is the... (whistle). Can I just... (whistle). Wh...(whistle). (Very angrily) Oh honestly, you stole this from Austin Powers!

Sen. Frist: Yes. That's a fine film, isn't it.

Sen. Reid (angrily): I refuse to put up with this childish nonsense!

(Senator Reid leaves his desk and leaves the Senate floor. Senator Frist looks on with a satisfied smile)

Sen. Frist: Senator Reid has yielded the floor and foregone his vote on this matter. Are there any other objections? (He looks off to the left) Senator Boxer, I believe you had something to say regarding our nomination?

(Cut to Senator Boxer, who has been tied to her chair with duct tape placed over her mouth. Senator Rick Santorum finishes binding her hands together behind her back as she shouts muffled screams and shakes around in her chair, trying to get free.)

Sen. Santorum: I believe Senator Boxer foregoes her statement as well, sir.

Sen. Frist: Thank you, Rick. Well, if there are no further objections, then perhaps we can take a vote on Judge Owens' nomination...

Sen. Kennedy (VO, loudly and belligerently): Hold on there, Senator!

Sen. Frist (incredulously): Oh Jesus, I forgot about him.

(cut to Senator Ted Kennedy standing at his desk, a very angry look on his face)

Sen. Kennedy (loudly, with his Massachusetts accent): How dare you right-wing radicals try to trample on our rights! What gives you the right to think you can ignore our opinions and weasel through long-standing law to promote nothing but your own agenda?!

Sen. Frist: You and the Democrats did the same thing when you were in power.

Sen. Kennedy: You neo-cons want to steal everything from our party, don't you?! (he pounds his desk in frustration) Well, I will not be silenced! I have spend more than four decades in this hallowed office, and I will not allow some pseudo-fascist right-wing ideological extremists to desecrate the constitution and the rights of the minority party! I will not let this travesty go uncontended!

(Senator Kennedy's rant is halted when he is hit in the neck with a dart. He pulls it out of his neck, looks at it, mumbles drowsily and faints. It was obviously a tranquilizer dart.)

Sen. Frist: Thanks again, Rick. Now, are there any more objections, hmmn? (He looks around the floor, but no-one says anything.) Very well, then we can put this nomination to a vote. On the nomination of judge Priscilla Owen, I will call the role of each Senator to take their vote...

Sen. Kennedy (loudly): I'm not done yet!

(Senator Frist stares in shock as Kennedy struggles to get up from behind his desk. He succeeds, and gets to his feet once more.)

Sen. Kennedy: Ha! It'll take more than that to silence me! Don't think your dirty tricks will help you win this round!

(Another tranquilizer dart strikes Senator Kennedy, this time in the thigh. He looks down at it and shrugs it off)

Sen. Kennedy: Is that the best you got, Santorum?!

(Senator Santorum responds with a barrage of darts that stick in numerous parts of Kennedy's body. He laughs off this attempt to bring him down.)

Sen. Kennedy: Come on, I'm a Kennedy! You don't think I can handle depressant drugs! I've spent ninety percent of my life building up a tolerance to this stuff! You've got nothing!

(As he gloats, Senator Frist sneaks up behind him and clobbers Kennedy with a mallet over the head. He groans and slumps down onto his desk)

Sen. Kennedy (woozy): Live... from New York... it's Saturday Night. (passes out)

(fade out)

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Replies:

Cold Opening Idea -- Dignard, 13:04:08 05/21/05 Sat