Cold Opening Idea -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 13:04:08 05/21/05 Sat
Author: Dignard
Subject: Cold Opening Idea
In reply to: Patrick 's message, "Cold open & Monologue still needed, RE: Lindsay Lohan" on 21:08:34 05/20/05 Fri

I had an idea for the Lohan cold opening having the Mary Kay Letourneau wedding, with both exchanging their vows. But it was way too short. If anybody has ideas, or wants to add or co-write before it is picked, please feel free to e-mail me. It might be too late. This is as much as I got:

Mary Kay's Wedding

Preacher...Chris Parnell
Mary Kay Letourneau...Amy Poehler
Vili Fualaau...Finesse Mitchell

(preacher is standing at the foot of the carpet, as Letourneau approaches her fiance; they
smile at each other and hold hands)

Preacher: We are gathered here today to join hands between a sacred union of love. No
two people have encompassed passion as these two before us have. In a world where
abortion and homosexual marriages are legal, your love of each other is a cool palette
from the horrors of the present today. As the Lord looks down upon these lovebirds, we
must not be envious of their compassion and true devotion toward one another. We can
only hope that statutory rape cases will end up with a happy ending, like this one. You
may now exchange your vows.

Vili Fualaau: There are no other women like you. When I first met you, I felt a certain
feeling that I had never felt before. Literally. I had never achieved an erection at that time.
But, I feel the only way to express my love toward this delicate beauty is to tell you about
the first time I met her. She was teaching us a new subject called subtraction. I wasn't
really paying attention, I must admit, for I was gazing into her entrapping eyes. It was as
if, as I thought at the time, a version of my mummy that I could put my tongue down her
throat. I know that doesn't make too much sense, but at that particular time in my life, I
truly meant it. We would watch her soap operas together, I would help her with the
ironing, and even cook dinner. They were kind of like my mom's chores, but with a better
reward that no cash value could ever replace. Mary Kay, there is no other woman like
you. I hope to live with you forever, or at least until you turn wrinkly and incontinent.

Preacher: Mary Kay, your vows, please.

Mary Kay Letourneau: Vili, you are my everything. I feel like a younger woman when I
am around you. Words can't describe the emotions that I feel when I am thinking of you,
everyday, of my life. I remember when I was first dating Vili, the words were unrelatable
and unthinkable, and I could never tell him to his face. Literally. He didn't understand what
I was talking about. But, I bought him what he wanted, for he was a special person. My
purchases for him would express my love: A golden watch for him to show to friends, a
leather jacket, and some GI Joes. I hope any other person in the world, feels the passion
and love that we have each other. I want you to know that I love you, with all my heart,
and I hope we can do that thing on my honeymoon, that we could never do before.
(winks)

Preacher: Vili, do you take this woman as your lawfully weded wife?

Vili: I sure as Hell do.

Preacher: And Mary Kay, do you take this man as your lawfully weded husband?

Mary Kay: (looks him up and down, grins) Oh yeah.

Preacher: I now pronounce you...Live From New York, It's Saturday Night!!!!!!!!

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