The Urban News Report -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 10:33:24 11/20/04 Sat
Author: by Mark Jennings Reese II
Subject: The Urban News Report
In reply to: MJRII 's message, "Patrick, I got another 'delayed message' regarding one of my sketches from Yahoo!" on 10:32:04 11/20/04 Sat

Details >> a report of the Urban articles in the news

�THE URBAN NEWS REPORT�

Written by Mark Jennings Reese II

Ray Ray�Finesse Mitchell

Jada Stokes�Maya Rudolph

Mo Willie�Kenan Thompson

(Fade in)

(Cue Music � �Let�s Get It Started� by The Black Eyed Peas)

(SUPER: THE URBAN NEWS REPORT)

Announcer: And now, live from Harlem, it�s the Urban News Report! Wit your anchors Ray Ray and Jada�and in the field, my man Mo Willie! Now, here�s the news!

(Camera fades in on the urban news desk)

Jada Stokes: I�m Jada Stokes and my co-ancha, Ray Ray. Here comes the news. Our top story�5 shoots, 8 drug deals and 2 cops are dead tonight in Harlem. Just anotha day in paradise. Ray Ray?

Ray Ray: Rappa Snoop Dogg donned football gloves and a red sweat suit to run through drills with the top-ranked Southern California Trojans football team. Snoop, you so bad, dawg!

In another sports news, Terrell Owens�my man T-O and ABC are in hot water! A promo that ran before Monday Night Football caused alota complaints over the content. It seems my man T-O was in the locker room�and a white woman in towel walked up to him and made him an offer he couldn�t refuse! Why is it when a white woman approaches a black man, or vice versa, it causes a stir in society! Damn! It�s never been the same since Kobe!

Jada Stokes: Whoopi Goldberg is back on Broadway in a one-woman show�I�m not going to see it! Whoopi, this is the same bad idea that led to your romance with Ted Danson! Raise an eyebrow for Whoopi, Harlem!

Ray Ray: R. Kelly is back in the news this week�it�s been reported that R. Kelly has been accused of making sexual advances to the underage sister of the singer Ashanti. Some say this report is false�either way; R. Kelly is getting some kind of jail time, either way. Why? Because he�s R. Kelly...and he urinated on his goddaughter!

Jada Stokes: Nelly�s new single �Over & Over� features country star Tim McGraw�Nelly, I have officially lost all respect for you. Nelly, I gotta good idea, do you next album with �Big & Rich�; do a bunch of shows at rodeos! Nelly, you sell out! Nel, it�s getting cold in here�so I�m putting my clothes back on! Ray Ray?

Ray Ray: A stabbing happened at the Vibe Awards�why is such a big deal? It�s the Vibe Awards! You get a couple thousand rappers and hip-hoppers in one room, guns will be shooting and knifes will be stabbin�! But if you want the story�we now go to a brother in the field, Mo Wille, live from somewhere�Mo! Mo Willie! Where you at?

(Camera cuts to �Mo Willie� in the field)

Mo Willie: (chewing on a slice of pizza) Yo, dawg! What up?

Ray Ray: Mo, you suppose to be doing a report!

Mo Willie: Oh yeah, well�the police are looking for Young Buck, a member of �G-Unit�. G-Unit! He stabbed somebody at the Vibe Awards�shit, it was bound to happen! That�s my report�back to you in the studio!

(Camera cuts back to the studio)

Jada Stokes: The estranged wife of pop singer Lionel Richie, Diane Keri Richie, has been charged with letting a man use her Beverly Hills home to give illegal anti-wrinkle injections. That�s so sad! You hate to see whitey get it like that! Ray Ray?

Ray Ray: A confessed serial killer was convicted of murder on Wednesday. Coral Eugene Watts, 51, was found guilty of stabbing 36-year-old Helen Dutcher to death in a Detroit suburb in 1979. He faces a mandatory sentence of life in prison without parole. And as you can see, he was a black man! And folks, the moral of the story is�black folks are not like Scott Peterson! We do not try to get out of it�when everyone knows we did it!

Family and friends remembered troubled rapper Ol� Dirty Bastard, in a casket surrounded by red and white flowers, Wednesday at a Harlem church where the focus was on the positives in his life. ODB, we gotta miss you!

Jada Stokes: Our final story tonight, this is the lightest piece of news�honorary black man, Bill Clinton�his presidential library opened this week. This is good news for whitey�and for us in the urban community!

For the Urban News, I�m Jada Stokes!

Ray Ray: And I�m Ray Ray�saying, don�t get shot! Peace, we outta here!

(Cue Music � �Just Lose It� by Eminem)

(Fade out)

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Replies:

Re: The Urban News Report -- steven Mann, 12:39:33 11/30/04 Tue