VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, [6], 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 11:15:22 11/20/04 Sat
Author: Prateek Srivastava
Subject: I don't know if you recieved mine as well.
In reply to: MJRII 's message, "Patrick, I got another 'delayed message' regarding one of my sketches from Yahoo!" on 10:32:04 11/20/04 Sat

I know you got my WU jokes, but you said the sketch was invisible. I sent it again, but I didn't get a reply, so I'll post it here. I think my msn email is acting screwy as well.

An Advanced Copy

Willy James-(Unknown Actor, they probably got the writer to play him!)
Security Guard-Luke Wilson
Sam Raimi-Will Forte
Mary-Jane-Amy Poehler
Ben Parker-Darryl Hammond
Robber-Horatio Sanz
Marcus Washington-Finesse Mitchell
Peter Parker: Seth Meyers
Harry Osborne: Fred Armisen

(A Black Screen appears and the Words shoot out across the screen with narration by Don Pardo)
THE FOLLOWING SKETCH FEATURES WILLY JAMES

(Cut to a skinny man with glasses and slick hair. This is Willy James and he is standing in front of a black screen)

Willy James: You need the W to the J, America!
(Fade into a still of the outside of Columbia/Tri-Star Studios. Cut to the main entrance with a security guard standing in the front. Willy James comes up to the entrance. He starts walking past the guard, but he stops Willy.)

Security: Look man, I am gonna need to see some credentials or you are not getting in.

Willy: Oh, but they know me. I’m Willy James and I love movies.

Security: I need some ID dude!

Willy: Okay fine, just let me look in my pocket
(He looks for a minute and then lunges forward to be grabbed by the guard)

Security: I’m going to have to see some ID.

Willy: Oh, sorry, sorry, let me, let me go get it.
(He walks away for a minute only to lunge back at the guard with no success.

Security: C’mon man(a beat) you’re not getting in!
(Sam Raimi-“Director of Spider Man 2” walks by the entrance, and Willy notices him)

Willy: Hey, let me through Sam, come on man, you know me, Willy, Willy James.
(Sam does not pay attention)
Willy: Man, has anyone ever told you how you look like Matt Leblanc. Hell, you look even better than him.
(Sam Raimi stops)

Sam: Finally, someone notices my likeness of Leblanc.
(Sam pulls him aside)
Sam: So, who should I make the autograph to.

Willy James: No autograph, I was just trying to get into the studios for an Advanced Copy of Spider-Man 2 on DVD.

Sam: I just met you, good try buttering me up with the Matt Leblanc bit. But all I can give you is an autograph.

Willy: But I’m the number one fan of Spider-Man. I’ve seen all the posters, all the bloopers, and the movie 23 amazing times. I am a film lover, and this has to be by far the greatest thing to be ever achieved by the movie industry.

Sam: I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait till November 30th like everyone else. (Sam looks directly at the camera) Yes! November 30th, the Spider Man 2 DVD comes out to the public.

Willy: I don’t who you were plugging your movie to? You won’t have to plug all you gotta do is give me a copy and I’ll leave you alone.

Sam: Why do I have to even listen to you. I’ll just call security and have you dragged off.

Willy:(He pulls a video tape from his pants) I don’t think you’ll be doing that! I didn’t think it would have to come to this, but Sam, I have some extra footage from Spider Man 1. This footage is something that no one else knows about. I think you will find it interesting.

Sam: (He looks at his watch) Well, I got time before my meeting, and you did complement me! Let’s see what you got. Probably some homemade loser crap.
(He leads Willy to an office he gets a monitor and inserts the tape. He turns off the lights and we cut to monitor and fade into the clip)

(Open to the metropolis area. Spider-Man is swinging on those posts that are built on the side of buildings and he is getting ready to swing away. Pan to the ground where Mary Jane looks on staring at Spiderman)

Mary-Jane: Wow what a guy, what a man! He may be out to do good, but I’d like to do some good and get him outta that costume. Hell, he doesn’t have to play Spiderman for me!
(Spider-Man senses what she is thinking and swings down to see her. They embrace and start to make out, but it is hard with the mask on. The victorious end music pots up. Numerous extras appear out of nowhere and start to applaud. Suddenly the music abruptly halts. Then “Macho Man” pots up and everyone a starts to dance in an insane way. Spider Man continues to try and make out. Suddenly Ben Parker, Peter’s uncle appears next to them)

Ben Parker: Hey Pete, I’m alive, it was a joke, just kidding.
(That robber that shot him walks up next to him)

Robber: Uh yeah, it was a joke HAHAHA.
(The robber starts to dance with Ben Parker, and he pretends to shoot him with his finger. The Robber and Ben also start to get close. Everyone stops and watches as the robber and Ben suddenly tango together)

Mary Jane: Wait a minute. Did you just call Spider-Man Peter!(She looks at Spider-Man) Peter Parker!
(The music stops)

Ben Parker: Well yeah, whenever there’s trouble and Spider-Man is around, Peter is nowhere to be found. Hell, he kept throwing you hints in every other shot. I mean come on, what moron couldn’t figure it out.

Mary Jane: But Spider-Man looks good right now, and since when does Peter look so firm and tight in that suit. Is it really you Peter?(She rips off the mask)
Mary Jane: I knew it! It’s not Pete at all!

Spider-Man: I’m uh Marcus Washington, how you doin?(He still has the rest of the suit on and starts to get close to Mary Jane)

Ben Parker: Wait, then where is Peter, you can’t have Spider Man without him.

Mary-Jane: I don’t need Peter Parker I got what I want. (Looking at Marcus) Some Brown sugar!

Marcus: Now this is how a movie should be! You got the white people talkin for the 1st thirty minutes, kill some dudes and have the brotha come and bang the chicks.
(Suddenly the theme from Seabiscuit pots up. Cut to Peter Parker riding a horse from across the street. He stops his horse and proceeds to dismount.)

Ben Parker: Peter where have you been.

Peter: No one ever gives me credit for my other roles. I’m Tobey Mcguire and I do have other movies under my belt. After this movie I’m doing something called Seabiscuit, you know, about a horse. I’m a distinguished actor. A distinguished! ACTOR!!!!!
(He starts to freak out and collapses onto the ground)

Mary Jane: I can’t believe I was ever in love with that guy.
(Suddenly Harry Osborne enters wearing butt-less chaps and carrying the Green Goblin Mask)

Harry: So wait, Peter’s uncle is alive and my dad isn’t. Parker was riding a horse and there’s a black guy in this movie. What the hell is going on here! This movie is not making any sense!

Marcus: Yo dawg, calm your white ass down. In fact you should cover that thing up first (A Beat) Repeat after me. LIFE NEVER MAKES SENSE!

Harry: Life Never Makes Sense. Okay!
(Peter Parker gets up and stands next to his horse)
Everyone altogether: LIFE NEVER MAKES SENSE!
(A crazy hip hop/rock beat pops up. The characters as well as the extras begin to dance. Marcus rips off the rest of the suit and tosses it into a tree. He is now in a jersey and a pair of jeans.)

Marcus: I still got my web action! (A thick black webbing shoots from his hand and across the street and grabs a thick necklace, which he proceeds to wear around his neck. He begins to sing)

Hey bub get yo’ flub, out of the grub, and rent tub, to wash that white ass!
Life don’t always make sense around tha times.
But we all know it’s all about rhymes
You should know, the time for cool
And let that guide you not to be a fool
Word Out Crackers! I’m out to tap that ass!
(The music stops. Every continues to dance in their weird way. Marcus laughs and he grabs Mary Jane and they walk off-screen.)
(A Jazz version of the Spider Man Theme Song pots up. The townspeople begin to dance. Peter Parker mounts his horse and lines up with Harry Osborne, Ben Parker and the Robber and begin to sing)

Spider Man, Spider Man,
wherever he goes he’s the man.
He’s a spider and super fly!
But he’s really just like Bill Nye
Look Out...
here comes that science loving
Suited and bumbling, Saving the young-lings
(A beat)
Spider Man!!!!!!!
(The music switches off. The camera pans back to show the entire area with the extras and the four guys. The camera pans up and focuses in on the tree where Marcus discarded the Spider Man suit. It focuses in on the Mask and THE END appears on the screen. Fade into the office with Willy James and Sam Raimi.)

Sam Raimi:( He looks at the monitor) Oh- my- GOD!! (A beat). Where the hell did you get that. I thought the studio destroyed that ending. (He starts to worry and mumble to himself)

Willy James: How was this alternate ending made?

Sam: Oh we were celebrating the end of filming, and I had my stupid ass brother monitoring the camera. I broke out the champagne, and the pot, and the Irish hookers. But obviously things got outta hand. Then my brother said something about Spider-Man having a musical ending and we shot this. The next day, I awoke passed out on set. I had told the crew to destroy the footage, but apparently they can’t even destroy film, those overpaid bastards.

Willy James: You know, Broadway would love this. If there was a Spider-Man musical, this would be it.

Sam Raimi: Oh, Broadway will never know about this. I can’t have you going around with this. I thought they were all gone, god damn it. (He walks up to a closet safe and opens it. He has an exclusive DVD in his hands.)

Sam Raimi: Here’s the Limited Edition, Spider Man 2 DVD. No one else has this, it was my personal copy. It’s yours Willy James.
(He hands Willy James DVD and grabs the video cassette from him)
Sam Raimi: Don’t you ever bring this footage up again. This ending will never see the light of day again. Now get out of here!
(Sam gets out a match, and burns the cassette and the camera pans around to Willy James as he exits the office. He closes the door and stands there for a minute)

Willy James: Man, not only does Sam Raimi look like Matt Leblanc, he’s just as stupid as him.
(He laughs) Like that was my only copy of it. But hey, I got what I want and that’s what matters. But I’ve got to milk this cash cow for all it’s worth. Next step is E-BAY, oh yeah!
(Willy laughs and then he walks off-screen and it fades to black)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Post a message:
This forum requires an account to post.
[ Create Account ]
[ Login ]
[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-6
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.