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Date Posted: 19:13:27 08/09/04 Mon
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Re: Diner Politics
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Diner Politics - revised for the nth time" on 19:12:18 08/09/04 Mon

DINER POLITICS
Jim Bevan (with much appreciated help from Cash Car Star)

George W. Bush… Will Forte
Waitress #1… Amy Poehler
Waitress #2... Maya Rudolph
John Kerry… Seth Meyers

(open on a typical truck-stop greasy spoon diner with 60s music playing in the background The camera pans around the diner until it focuses on a dimly-lit booth where President George W. Bush is sitting, reading a menu. Bush looks up, and hails a waitress.)

George W. Bush (motioning towards the waitress): Yeah, uh, excuse me, ma‘am. I’m ready to order. (The waitress comes over.) Yeah, I’ve thought it over, and I’m in the mood for an itchy labia with some jalapeno sauce to spice it up. Nothin’ I love better than a spicy hot itchy labia.

(The waitress slaps him on the cheek in disgust and storms off.)

George W: Bush (surprised): Aw damn, I screwed it up again! (he pulls out a note card and reads it.) “Inch-ee-lah-duh”, enchilada, why can’t I get it? If the voters find out I’m as big a ‘tard with Spanish as I am with English, I’m screwed.

(A blonde waitress comes up to his booth.)

Waitress #1: Are you ready to order, sir?

George W. Bush: Yup, I’ve been ready for a while, and I’ve got a real craving for an itch… (a beat as he reads the card) I mean an “inch-ee”…, “encha…”, get me a chicken cheese-steak to go. Thanks, ma’am.

(Bush reads the menu as the waitress leaves. The camera follows her away from the table and stops on the back of a well-dressed customer sitting on a stool at the bar. Shift angles to show that it is Senator John Kerry. A waitress from behind the bar sets down a cup of coffee before him.)

Waitress #2: Here’s your decaf, senator.

John Kerry (droll): Oh, thank you miss. But if you don’t mind. I think I’ll take an espresso instead.

Waitress #2: Sure, no problem, we can change it for you.

John Kerry: Perfect… no wait, wait, make it a French Roast with sugar… no, cream, no sugar. Yes, I’ll have a cinnamon mocha.

Waitress #2: Damn, you really do have trouble sticking to one position.

John Kerry: Look, when the pollsters tell me what coffee the majority of the voters want me to drink, I’ll stick with it. Now could you please bring me my Colombian Blend?

Waitress #2 (sarcastically): Oh, of course, I don’t want you to have to spend any more time here in the “other” America than you have to. (She turns to get his new coffee)

John Kerry (pouring on the charm): You know, if I’m elected, I will work my hardest to raise the minimum wage for the working classes.

(The waitress turns around, intrigued by this prospect.)

Waitress #2 (interested): Really? (Kerry nods, the waitress becomes overjoyed) Well that’s great! I don’t want to sound sappy, but that would mean so much to me! My husband just left me, and I have two little kids at home, and every extra dollar makes such a difference! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, sir!

John Kerry: Oh, don’t thank me, it’s my pleasure. (the waitress again turns to leave, but stops again when Kerry resumes talking.) Of course, with a raise in your wages, your taxes will increase substantially.

Waitress #2 (shocked, with a very confused look on her face.): What???

John Kerry (dismissively): I know you may be upset now, but once you’re privileged, you’ll soon understand that such sacrifices are necessary to benefit those less fortunate than yourself.

(The waitress gives him a nasty look and leaves. Kerry’s eyes wander and he spots Bush sitting at his booth. He gets up, walks over and stands behind him.)

John Kerry: Try as hard as you want, Dubya, I don’t think you’ll be finding any weapons of mass destruction in the dessert menu.

(Kerry begins to chuckle at his joke. Peeved, Bush turns around to face his insulter. When he sees that it’s Kerry, his eyes narrow and he smirks.)

George W. Bush (faux-dignified): Obviously, you’ve never had strawberry rhubarb, have you Johnny? That stuff’s gotta violate some international protocol.

John Kerry: And the mystery is solved; you can be articulate, provided you’re not speaking on a serious matter. You know, it’s quite a surprise seeing you here, mingling with the working class. Why, with all that you’ve done to deprive the middle class and benefit your wealthy friends, I’m amazed you can still relate to the proletariat.

George W. Bush (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, and I suppose you’re better in touch with them, ketchup boy?

John Kerry (defensively): Hey, I’ll have you know that I worked for that money!

George W. Bush (still sarcastic): Really?

John Kerry: Yes, I mean, come on, have you ever seen Teresa up close? (switches to a somber, depressed tone.) Dear God, the woman is sixty-six and has Jenna Jameson’s libido. So yes, I am earning my fortune; (very depressed) every night of my miserable life.

(Bush looks at Kerry with sympathy.)

George W. Bush: Gosh, I, I had no idea you had to go through so much.

John Kerry (freaking out): Believe it. Have you ever been with a woman who likes to role-play characters from Katherine Hepburn movies? Every time we‘re at it, all I hear is, “Oh, Spencer, I thought you were bigger than that!” and, “Yes Henry, yes, sully up my golden pond!” That stuff gives you nightmares, man! I’m praying for the sniper flashbacks to come back just so I can get it out of my head!

(Bush shakes his head in sorrow)

George W. Bush: I’m sorry, Johnny, I had no idea you had to go through that.

John Kerry: Well, now you do, George. It’s just so painful. I think I know why Senator Heinz died in that chopper crash now. He wanted to.

(The two start laughing over John’s joke, then it dies down.)

George W. Bush: I feel for ya, man. Let’s pray she never asks you to make like that reporter she told off at the convention.

John Kerry: Who says she hasn’t? The only difference is, every time I shove it, I know I’m keeping a cool billion!

George W. Bush (chuckling): Oh man, that was a good one. Thank God you weren’t on the 9/11 committee, I would have never been able to keep a straight face. (He ceases laughing and takes a swig of water. A thoughtful look comes across his face.) Why do we do this, John?

John Kerry: George, I’m as clueless as you on that. Every four years our parties present a slew of potential candidates and weed out the truly qualified ones, leaving people like us to take the helm of our great nation. I mean look at us: two self-serving, hypocritical soft-money whores vying for the most prestigious office in the land, and do we deserve it?

George W. Bush: Hell, I didn’t deserve it the first time I got in. (sighs) But you’re right, Johnny, what good can we do for the country? Damned if I didn’t screw almost everything up already; two-thirds of the world hates us and wants us dead, and the other half is laughing at us and callin’ us a nation of fools. I mean, can you believe all the countries that are ready to blow us up because of my decisions?

John Kerry: Yes, yes, it’s quite a sad state. And if I’m elected, I’ve already promised to reduce our military influence, so we’ll just be a more accessible target. I tell you, G.W., I don’t really envy you right now. Sure you screwed up big time, but Lord knows what havoc I’ll wreak if the people vote for me. I could drive our country further down the crapper than you already have if the majority says I should, but nothing is for certain. It’s just the risk we take in our business.

George W. Bush: I see what you mean. You’re an okay guy, Johnny, ya know that? (He stands and shakes Kerry’s hand, and the two smile, having reached a common ground.) Hey, you have good luck in November.

John Kerry: No, you have good luck, George.

(The two start chuckling again. The waitress who took his order earlier arrives with a Styrofoam container, and gives it to Bush.)

Waitress #1: Here’s your chicken-steak, sir.

Bush: Kick-booty. Wish I could stay, John, but I got a speech to give at an industrial plant in Chesapeake. I’m gonna tell the workers how I’m stimulating the economy and producing more employment opportunities, and then tell them why it’s good that their jobs are being sent to India. (Bush pays the waitress and walks out, waving goodbye to Kerry.) See ya later, Johnny.

John Kerry (waving back): Have fun, G.W.

(The president leaves to the right, and Kerry stops waving. His cell-phone rings, he pulls it out of his pocket and answers it.)

John Kerry: Hello, senator John Kerry speaking. (pause as he listens.) Oh, hi Tess. How’s everything going? (another pause, he becomes worried.) Really, they had “The African Queen” on the classics channel today? (another pause, his fright grows.) It got you really riled up? (another pause.) You’re hoping that Bogie comes to call later tonight? (Kerry gulps in fright, then answers his wife with a semi-depressed Humphrey Bogart impression.) Well, I’ll catch the first plane home tonight, shweethaht. When ya need me, just whistle. Love ya, babe.

(Kerry turns off his phone, groans in despair, and mimics shooting himself in the temple with the phone.)

(Fade out)

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