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Date Posted: 21:52:29 11/10/04 Wed
Author: Prateek S.
Subject: Sketch-Cold Opening
In reply to: Prateek Srivastava 's message, "Saturday's Episode" on 21:51:08 11/10/04 Wed

Pre-Show Discussion

Seth Meyers
Will Forte
Darryl Hammond
Lorne Michaels
George W. Bush: Will Ferrell (cameo)

(Open to SNL’s green room. Seth Meyers is sitting casually on the couch reading Newsweek, and Will Forte strolls into the room. He smiles glee-fully and looks at Seth.)

Seth: (Annoyed at Forte) What!

Will: Oh nothing, just wanted to say that I’m sorry about the election.

Seth: What are you talking about.

Will Forte: John Kerry lost, and the impression will eventually become useless. Since there was no recount or anything, there is no more material. I’m sorry you have to kiss your spotlight character goodbye.

Seth Meyers:(His annoyed look turns to anger) Well, I hadn’t even thought about that. Thanks for ruining my day, hell, my life.

Seth Meyers: Damn, you’re right! I have no other key characters. I appear in the Update as the crazy Boston guy, and I was the gay DJ in Jarret’s Room. That’s it I got nothing else.

Will Forte: Oh that’s great. It’ll give you a chance to explore some different characters.

Seth Meyers: Oh please!(a beat) That just means I better get some comedic bits fast, or I’m as good as canned.

Seth Meyers: I’m serious, it’s f**king conspiracy. There were 4 new people hired in fall 2001, Amy was promoted to full castmembers mid-season. Therefore she must have been good. Mean-while Dean and Jeff have been fired. The pressure is on me!

Will Forte: You know if you really wanted him to win, maybe you should have voted for him.

Seth Meyers: I did vote for him dammit!

Will Forte: Ha ha! You threw away your vote.

Seth Meyers: Look man. I am sick and tired of you. I wish you would go and write that novel you were talking about and get the hell off this show!

Will: I am deeply hurt by these words(sarcastically)

Seth: You’re just lucky you play Bush and Edwards otherwise what the hell do you have. The Falconer is such a high quality character. You can bet there’ll be a movie of that soon.

Will: Look, you don’t talk about the sketch like that. The falconer puppet spoke to me and said to stop the sketch bashing. It’s possessed by John Belushi’s spirit I think. One day I saw the puppet snorting coke on it’s own. The next day I saw the words “Jim Belushi, just wait till you die, I’m gonna make you wish you went to hell, you prime-time moocher” written on the prop wall.
(Seth just looks at him with a weird look.)

Seth: I just hate the fact that you’re still new and you’re owning this show. You’re like the next Ferrell. I thought I was the next Ferrell. You’re going be in the opening for the rest of the season. Dammit! I want the Cold Opening.

Will: I’d appreciate you not referring to me as a newbie! I’ve been on this show for only 1 year less than you. At least you got to work with Will Ferrell. All I get is a Don Pardo mispronunciation. (Cut to a clip of the opening montage of the premiere where Don Pardo who says Will Ferr- . Cut back to Seth and Will in the green room.)

Seth: Okay I’ll give you that. But you’ve said the phrase many times now! I’ve said it once and that was because I paid Lorne.
(Darryl Hammond enters the room. He’s got a cigarette and he casually leans against a wall.)

Darryl: What the hell are you two shouting about. I’ve got a hangover for Christ’s sake.

Seth: I’m just angry about losing my John Kerry character. Now I’m back to square one, and I’ll rarely be in those wonderful Cold Openings.

Darryl: Take it from me, I hate those openings. Yeah, when you say the phrase for the first 20 times it feels like Nirvana. Around the 112th time you realize that this is all just a waste of time, and wonder why the hell you are still on the show. But then while you’re contemplating death or some set destruction, you remember that you only appear in1 sketch every episode. I realized can do the opening and spend the rest of the show drinking cheap wine and having my ass shaved by that German prostitute that entertains Jim Downey.

Seth Meyers: Thanks for the advice Darryl. You’re really miserable(sarcastically)

Darryl: Seth, I’ve been on this show for 10 years, even if I left, I wouldn’t any career except for a small role in Will Ferrell’s film and a spot in the next Olson Twins theater flop! Personally, I wouldn’t give a crap if I was fired at an early age. It gives you chance to get out there and get real Hollywood career. Take the John Kerry loss as a blessing in disguise.

Seth: Okay fine. Maybe, I can say the phrase this week. They can do another Osama opening. I love playing that Taliban terrorist.

Will Forte: Noo-pe! Lorne wanted a perfect Bush address for this week.
(Darryl looks at his watch)

Darryl: What the hell are you still doing here, we’re already 9 minutes into the show.

Will Forte: What! I thought it was 10:39, I don’t know what happened. I must have set my watch back 2 hours instead of 1 for daylight savings time.
(Seth Meyers starts laughing)

Seth Meyers: No wonder you were late to all the meetings. The more I think about it, you are perfect for Dubya.

Will Forte: I better get out there. Why didn’t anyone remind me about the sketch!

Darryl: Hey! When I was in my early years nobody reminded my of anything. You had to work your way onto the spotlight. Man that was the prime of my life, back when the show had meaning and we had super power hosts; Sylvester Stallone, Kevin Spacey, Chevy Chase in 96!

(Will Forte gets up and runs to the door. He opens it and starts to leave but Lorne appears and blocks his way.)

Lorne: Where do you think you’re going.

Will Forte: I need to do that Bush Address. Why didn’t you remind me. What is going on.

Lorne Michaels: Just sit your ass down! It’s taken care of!

Will Forte: What do you mean?

(Cut to set, where the Bush Address is already in progress. George W. is played by none other than Will Ferrell. As the crowd sees this they go crazy. There is a pause for the applause, and Will breaks character.)

Will Ferrel: Yeah you thought I wouldn’t be back, but I sure as hell am. That goes for me and Dubya. (Resumes character)
George W: Just to let you know Kerry, you don’t mess with Texas!

George W: Yeah!!!! You can kiss it America, because it’s 4 more years. I know my math now, ha! Oh and “Live From New York It’s Saturday Night!”

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