Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

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Date Posted: 06:01:26 05/19/16 Thu
Author: Susan (What do you want?)
Subject: Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT
In reply to: Casseopia 's message, "Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT" on 16:37:11 05/18/16 Wed

Thank you for sharing Cass. I can see a lot of myself and what you've so bravely written here. I am what's called a co-dependent spouse and my gay ex-husband was a black-belt narcissist.

"Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

I married a gay man wrongly thinking I could HEAL him with my love and affection. Unfortunately, no amount of love (or therapy) could change one essential fact: he is and always was GAY. I always knew it but just denied it.

Looking at the FACTS in your situation, I don't think it matters where you believe he is gay or not.

1. He cheated on you.
2. He cheated on you with men.
3. He lied.
4. He has drug & alcohol addiction issues.
5. He has a number of mental issues.
6. None of these rationalizations came out until he was caught.

Based on what you've written, it FEELS like you very much want to HEAL him in some way...or at the very least give him a pass for his bad behaviour. This is common among women who marry gay in denial husbands. I did it and from what I've read, many other women have been down the same path. Perhaps your husband was abused. And you absolutely did the right thing in getting him counselling for this and rehab for his addictions. You sound like a very kind and caring person. But what now?

Ask yourself this question: would you feel the same way if his mother had abused him and he was cheating on you with women? Would he then explain the cheating because he has mother-related issues? At the end of the day, you married a very broken man. And I don't believe you should stay with someone this broken.

You asked for our thoughts so here goes: will this man ever make you happy? I think separation is the logical next step. You can be supportive but free yourself to have a happy life. Staying with him will mean a lifetime of doubt, therapy, addiction, and unhappiness. If you choose to stay with him, he'll always play the "I'm doing this because I was abused" card to explain it away. Put yourself and your children (if you have any) first. I hope that helps. Good luck!

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Replies:

Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Abby, 08:45:19 05/19/16 Thu
Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Casseopia, 10:26:55 05/19/16 Thu
- Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Susan, 11:01:43 05/19/16 Thu
  - Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Casseopia, 11:40:34 05/19/16 Thu
    - Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- WendiT, 12:26:11 05/19/16 Thu
- There IS no "closure" here -- a reader, 12:13:14 05/19/16 Thu
  - Re: There IS no "closure" here -- Casseopia, 12:49:56 05/19/16 Thu
    - bottom line is addicts lie -- a reader, 13:13:24 05/20/16 Fri
- Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Still Wondering, 12:36:12 05/19/16 Thu
  - Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Casseopia, 12:43:20 05/19/16 Thu
    - Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Still wondering, 12:53:43 05/19/16 Thu
    - Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Patti (..but you do), 13:46:38 05/19/16 Thu
      - Re: Sexual abuse as a young boy and TGT -- Sue (thank you), 19:47:55 05/19/16 Thu