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Date Posted: 01:35:42 12/10/06 Sun
Author: Evan Dowbiggin
Subject: Lane Sheppard: Desperate Stand-up Comedian
In reply to: Mark Walsh 's message, "A Saturday Night You Short Sketch" on 00:59:23 12/10/06 Sun

(at a comedy club, stand-up gets on stage to light clapping)
Lane Sheppard: Hello, everyone. How’s the Giggling Gallows tonight? Oh... what? Oh, this is the Laugh Factory? Sorry. Whoops, I knew I should’ve taken the red pill. Get it? (does Matrix impersonation) Neo, you are the one! Huh?
(no one laughs)

Lane: I’m your stand-up entertainment Lane Sheppard. (rummages through cue cards before finding the right one) So, it’s nice being here in L.A. You know, great weather, beautiful women, sunny skies, lots of handguns and drugs... just kidding, I buy those in New Jersey. (pulls out another card) I usually tour the South cause I was born in Georgia. Yeah, I mean I don’t live there anymore cause all the people smell of fried oreos and incest but hey, I mean I’ve got family there so... At least I hope their family, you never know right. Maybe my uncle Rod is my Grandpa!
(no laughs, scattered boos)

Lane: (clears throat) Well, uh... (nervously finds another card) So yeah, down there they’re so backward they think mexican immigrants have supernatural powers like uh, turning into a dragon or uh, using jedi mind tricks to steal jobs from real Americans. They’re also so backward that when they write their names... well, let’s just say I met some guy who called himself ybbob... and his friend’s name was nevets.
(no one laughs again)

Lane: (getting more nervous, pulls out card) And plus, the hillbilly crowds I see are usually too stupid to know how to throw liquor bottles at you anyway!

Heckler (unseen): Not me (a bottle is hurled at stage and Lane ducks as it smashes into the brick wall background, some people cheer)

Lane: That’s very interesting there, pal. I’m sorry the Mets cut you, but doncha think it was because of your drinkin problem?
(confused response, no laughing)

Heckler: Ummm, was that an insult?

Lane: (looks through cards, finds one) Was your brother a construction worker?

Heckler: What? No!

Lane: I mean, (reads card again) was your brother who died of AIDS the construction worker in the Village People?
(crowd gets outraged, boos)

Heckler 2: Hey! That’s wrong, buddy. And it doesn't make any sense either...

Heckler 1: Hold on a second! Wait, how did you know my bro died of AIDS? You sonofa-(rushes stage)

Lane: Aaaaah! (runs backstage as security tackles man to the ground, turns to the MC) Look, look. Just tell ‘em. Tell ‘em there’s another act coming out next. Here (hands him card) Announce this when I’m ready. I need to consult with my crack team of idiots here.

(lane walks into a green room backstage full of high-gadget gear, machines, science/math students and materials)

Lane: (pulling at his hair) This isn’t going well!!! I gave a real sweet grant to the bastards who run your school and i need results. Here's the thing; I can only pay that money if my career goes well, you know. There’s a mobster ring who will break my thumbs if this falls through!!! I'm really in the hole here! Help me (grabs one math student by the collar)

Mathemetician 1: Did you use the regional hick jokes to start?

Lane: Failed, totally bombed. And I didn’t know that guy’s brother died of AIDS.

Mathemetician 2: Oh, that’s right. We polled the audience before the show and he just opened up about how angry he was at the world that his brother died of AIDS. We decided we’d work his personal life into what's called a Don Rickles maneuver. They work well in the opening of a set.

Lane: For godssake, you don’t have an idea about comedy do you? You don’t insult someone by mentioning their brother dying of AIDS!!!

Mathemetician 3: Hhmmm, I guess that would be a rather hurtful memory. If someone made humour about when my goldfish Baba Ledouche was accidentally flushed down the toilet, I'd probably start crying.

Lane: (mutters) Wow, talk about a pussy. I mean, well, now you can sympathize. Look, do you have some more material? Some better material!? This crowd is hostile toward me, so I’m heading back out there in disguise.

Mathmetician 1: (pulling paper out of machine) Our computer data has formulated these specific joke types and the actual content themselves.

Lane: Finally, I see how these stupid PCs can help us.

Mathemetician 2: Uh, this is a mac.... (looks around the room) I'm a mac!

(everyone else but Lane): And I'm a PC! (they all snicker)

Lane (grabs paper of jokes): I'm in a geek circle jerk or something right now. Alright, you brainiacs had better get this right this time!

(5 minutes later, MC gets back to mic and announces): Alright, now that this dustup has been settled. Let me introduce to you an impromptu act due to the untimely heckling of Lane Sheppard. Give it up for (reads card) Ladane Gephard!

Ladane (Lane in blackface dressed in a leather outfit with chains and a backwards cap): Alright!!! Yo, how’s it up? Uh, I mean wassup baby?
(crowd gives enthusiastic response)

Ladane: That Lane Sheppard due was a straight up dumbass, fo real. Am i right? Anyway, I was just thinking before I got on (checks paper hidden in his jacket); Don’t you just love the little coincidences in life? I mean, you got that movie about Johnny Cash, right? Walk the Line? In it, he’s played by Joacquim Phoenix. And there’s a professional hockey team in Phoenix called the Coyotes. And then you’ve got Johnny Cash’s guest spot on the Simpsons... playing a coyote! Ain't that something! Don’t you love that?
(no laughing)

Lane: Hey, what the hell is with you people?

Heckler 2: You suck too!

Ladane: That’s impossible buddy! You realize you’re mathematically incorrect here don’t you? My jokes have been crafted and shaped by a special research team from Harvard... (to someone offstage) What? Oh, sorry. I meant Upper Northeastern Kentucky State polytechnic institute.

Heckler 2: Yeah, whatever. You still suck! You're just like Lane! Someone oughtta sheppard you... off the stage, ahahah!!! (people clap along with him)

Ladane: Hey, yeah real funny pal! A biblical reference! Hey, hahaha... that is kinda funny. (offstage) Why didn’t you geniuses think of that!?

Research person #1: Well, on average 62% of people don’t respond to cheap corny puns only 5 minutes into a...

Ladane: Oh shutup! Sorry, this little whitey here is pissing me off with his ivy-league haircut, his poindexter glasses and his pimply little face. Look at him (drags him onstage) He looks like Harry Potter just came out of vat of grease!
(crowd laughs uproariously)

Ladane (realizing he’s struck gold): This stupid tight-ass make Vanilla Ice look like King of the Zulus!
(more crowd laughter)

(paper headlines: “New Comedian Ladane Gephard Making His Name,” “Ladane Playin’ the Fame Tame Name Same Game,” “Ladane Pokes Innocent Fun at the White Majority,” “Ladane up for four 2008 Vibe Awards”)

(at the vibe awards 2 years later, presenters Ashton Kutcher and Fergie onstage)
Ashton: Wow, here we are to present the “best african-american actor in a starring spotlight, suckas” Award. This is like, so cool Fergie. All my heroes and friends are here, man. Demi, my buddy Bruce Willis, my stepdaughters, our siamese twins Scavenger and Myth... (akwardly) That's about it.

Fergie: And me too, right Ashton? (makes googly eyes, does a scandalous bump and grind dance move on him, crowd hoots and hollers)

Ashton: (blushing) Ah, well... (sees Demi Moore in the audience)

Demi Moore (staring him down, pulls out sniper rifle, mouths the words): I’ll kill her. I will.

Ashton: Uuuh, no Fergie! No! (pushes her to the ground)

Fergie: Yo, dat ain’t right... Was my ass too far away from you?

Ashton: No, it was not. I mean, can we just present the nominees? (while the pictures flash) Ok... Jamie Foxx in “Blamers vs. Kramer" which is the triumphant story of the Two Hecklers Who Were the Target of Michael Richards’ Racist Rant and now receive $1 million for every Seinfield re-run.

Fergie: Don Cheadle in “Oceans Nineteen" with big stars George Clooney, Brad Pitt, his wife Angelina Jolie and their adopted son Jaden Pinkett-Smith.

Ashton: Denzel Washington in “The Assasination of Jack Abramoff" a questioning, controversial new masterpiece from the bed-ridden Oliver Stone.

Fergie: Ladane Sheppard in “Ahhhh, What’s my Name, High Class Hooker?” the long-awaited, Mario Van Peebles directed sequel to "Pretty Woman"

Ashton: And Ice Cube in “My Mama Loves My Booyyeee” a memorable performance with former singer B. Diddy, aka Beyonce and the now reclusive Eddie Murphy as the lovelorn mama.

Fergie: And the winner is... (has trouble opening it, takes out pocket knife and starts ripping it apart) Oh snap...

Ashton: Let me help ya there (pieces together paper) Oh, no wait that’s the wrong order. Wait a minute, there we go. Ladane Sheppard for “Aaah, What’s My Name, High Class Hooker?”

(stock footage of celebs cheering, giving a standing O)
Ladane: Oh boy. This is unbelievable. First off, I’d like to thank my agent god rest his soul. I hope they find the remains. Oh, and that reminds me i want to thank my lord almighty God and my saviours Allah and Buddah. Those dudes be the bomb... (is sweating profusely) Man, is it hot here or is it just me? Woah, I’ll tell ya I’m sweating like my 300 pound Grandmama. (takes out rag, wipes his face but some of the black paint comes off) Man, how many watts y’all put in these stage lights? (crowd begins to gasp and chatter) What? Something on my face (wipes some more) Do I got a booger or... (looks at rag) Oh crap...

Ashton: Oh my god! That’s Lane Sheppard.

Fergie: Who?

Ashton: You haven’t been seen for like a year! You were my favourite stand-up.

Lane: Really? Someone liked me? I mean, oh hahahaha... this was just a big set-up, seriously. (puts arm around Ashton) You’ve all been punked!!! Right, Ashton?

Ashton: Punked? But I didn’t...

Lane: Oh hey look, it’s a bunch of rappers and Suge Knight coming to greet us onstage with clubs and baseball bats. Tell em about it, Ashton...

Ashton: No, no, wait a second (Lane runs away) Hey, wait... Hey, come on guys! I can explain. Punked isn't on the air anym-(they all gang up and start beating up on Ashton, some guy yells “How’s it feel being punked now, you racist jackass?”)
(end)

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