Weekend Update -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 10:40:09 12/10/06 Sun
Author: The SNY Writing Crew
Subject: Weekend Update
In reply to: Evan Dowbiggin 's message, "oops, here's who plays who" on 02:38:40 12/10/06 Sun

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
written by Jim Bevan, Prateek Srivastava

Announcer.....Don Pardo
...Amy Poehler
...Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H, in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: Good evening, I'm Amy Poehler.

Seth Meyers: And I'm Seth Meyers. Here are tonight's top stories.

Seth Meyers: A Chicago man has been charged with planning to set off hand grenades in an Illinois shopping mall. In his defense, the accused man said he knew it was an extreme measure, but he had to make sure he got a Wii and PS3 before other shoppers bought them all.

The Council on American-Islamic Relations has called for radio talk-show host Dennis Prager to step down from the Holocaust Memorial Council after he criticized congressman Keith Ellison's decision to take the oath of office on the Koran. A CAIR spokesman said that Prager does not belong on the council since he displays intolerant views, then added, "Besides, why's he trying to memorialize something that never happened."

(There are some groans from the audience. Seth appears a little nervous.)

Let me just say to all of our Muslim viewers that I am not trying to promote any negative stereotypes. I know that not all Muslims are terrorists who hate Jews, but those are the positions of the extremists, and that's who I'm mocking. All peaceful, rational followers of Islam should not be offended, and if you are, I apologize sincerely. But come on, you guys should be able to take a joke now.

(a small red dot appears on Seth's forehead and tries to focus, like it was a laser scope from a rifle. He does not notice it, but Amy does, and she moves her chair further away from Seth)

Amy Poehler: Iran recently installed three thousand centrifuges in efforts to expand its uranium enrichment program, which could bring the country closer to producing nuclear fuel on a large scale. Boy, you guys are just asking Israel to bomb you now, aren't you?

A study in India has found that a majority of condoms are actually too large for many Indian men as the average size of their penises are shorter than what the condoms are specified for. Upon hearing the news, men throughout the Orient cheered after learning they were no longer the targets of small-dick stereotypes.

Seth Meyers: The space shuttle Discovery�s launch was delayed again by NASA. This came after NASA�s huge plea for an extension. It probably went like this... "Just a few more days, c�mon, my dad and mom are splitting up and my roommate committed suicide! I�ll make sure to get it under your doorstep by Saturday!"

Eight Taco Bell restaurants in Long Island have been closed after an outbreak of E coli was discovered. Also harmful was the large amount of PISS found on the floor of the restaurants. Not urine, but PISS, the Pennsylvania Ideology Stoners Society! (Laughs at the lousy meaning of PISS)They�re stoners okay... so the acronym isn�t going to be perfect! And yes, they were found on the floor of the restaurants! Taco Bell is their Mecca!

Amy Poehler: Alexander Litvinenko, the former KGB agent poisoned with polonium, was laid to rest this week. Those who attended the funeral gave the services a glowing approval.

A deep freeze gripped the Deep South on Friday as temperatures reached their season lows. This could ultimately lead to "Fried Chickensicles" "Ku Klux Klan winter outfitters", "Wafflehouses paying their heating bill for the first time" and any other southern stereotype fitted for cold weather!

Seth Meyers: The Seminole Tribe of Florida announced plans to purchase the Hard Rock franchise. Because when you think about rocking, you obviously associate it with Native Americans.

Diversity is slowly growing in the television industry, with more Hispanic, Asian and American-Indian actors being added to programs on the major networks. It's a promising trend, but fails to account for the sad fact that the writing on most of these shows still sucks.

Amy Poehler: Seven towns in the Australian state of Victoria are under a serious threat of "bush-fires". The news has resulted in several Australian bar groups attempting to be edgy by renaming themselves "Bushfire".

A man in West Point Mississippi was fined $279 dollars for tossing a live pig over the counter at a Holiday Inn Express. This all part of the man�s "Get revenge for having seen Babe too many times by tossing pigs tour". He�ll be coming to a city near you! Get your cameras and your "Who Farted" t-shirts ready!

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I�m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: And I�m Amy Poehler.

Amy & Seth: Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
-----------------------------------------------------------

(I didn't get any more WU submissions, so I went with the jokes Prateek and I wrote. Hope that's okay. I suppose if I get any late entries I can post a revised WU.)

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