SKETCHES FOR DANE COOK/WEEKEND UPDATE -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 21:03:12 12/02/05 Fri
Author: Jason Dignard
Subject: SKETCHES FOR DANE COOK/WEEKEND UPDATE
In reply to: Jason Dignard 's message, "SKETCH SUBMISSION FOR DANE COOK" on 21:01:08 12/02/05 Fri

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McDonald�s Innovations

Jim Skinner...Seth Meyers

(man sitting behind desk of office staring into the camera)

Jim Skinner: Hello, I�m Jim Skinner, CEO of McDonald�s Corporation of America. As
many of you fast food eaters know, McDonald�s is the most innovative chain in the U.S.
Not only have we recently accepted debit cards and credit cards, we now give guests
broadband connections for their laptops computers. Also, many children can now interact
with other video gamers when they plug in their Nintendo DS into Wi-Fi connections.
Yes, McDonald�s has it all, but that�s just the tip of the iceberg. Over the next coming
years, we will provide even better service for everyone.

Many people complain about their being too many handicap spots at supermarkets and
restaurants, as they are right there, waiting to be parked in. Well, at McDonald�s chains,
we will be getting rid of all handicap parking spaces, allowing everyone a free chance to
get to the front door. But, you�re saying, �That�s diabolical, King Skinner. I mean, Jim
Skinner. Certainly there will be physically challenged persons eating at your eateries!�
There�s no need for this dilemma, as all McDonald�s fast food chains will have a man who
can lift at least 300 pounds working there specifically to carry said handicapped customers
to the door. Service at the golden arches is where it�s at.

Why not take a dip into our indoor pools, in temperature-controlled rooms? Take a dive,
or a brisk swim, and relax. Ever go into a McDonald�s and wish you could feel cleaner?
Now, both restrooms for men and women will hold shower rooms for those who would
like to take a nice hot cleansing shower to take their mind off of their dreary work-a-day
lives. The soaps are also complementary, and take as many as you want. Want some
competition on the go....join our squash tournaments, played everyday after the dinner
rushes.

Live in the middle of America? Thousands of miles from the closest slot machine?
McDonald�s has now garnered a gambling license in 37 of the 48 continental states. Odds
are in your favor of a Las Vegas getaway at participating McDonald�s. Listen to Robert
Goulet, Wayne Newton and Marvin Hamlisch in our Lounge Lizards� section, new at
McDonald�s.

(caption rolls across screen saying the word MCDONALD�S every ten seconds)

And for all risk-taking customers, we have a special room for Russian Roulette. Rent or
bring your own firearms.

(Caption: Only in red states)

(Caption: Must be at least 13 years old to enter)

(black screen)

(captions follow what announcer says)

Announcer: McDonald�s. Slowly taking over the world, day by day.

(if cold opening, Skinner will then say)

Jim Skinner: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT�S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

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Grammy At The Mall

Billy...Dane Cook
Grammy...Rachel Dratch

(guy is walking with grandmother in mall near bench, whole scene takes place on the
bench)

Billy: Grammy, you want to sit down?

Grammy: What�s that, honey?

Billy: Do you want to sit down?

Grammy: Hun?

Billy: Gram, would you like to sit down?

(grandmother sits down on the bench)

Grammy: One more time, can�t hear you.

Billy: Never mind.

Grammy: What�s that?

Billy: NEVER MIND!!!!!!!!

Grammy: Oh, okay.(Billy sits down with CD player and puts them up to his ears) What
are you doing, Billy?

Billy: Just listening to some music.

Grammy: What music?

Billy: This is a CD player. A CD is put into the player and I listen to it through the
headphones.

Grammy: Oh. That�s nice. It�s great that you�re with me at the mall.

Billy: It�s just I thought you would want to come when the stores were open, and not 4
o�clock in the morning. You can see how I could be a little upset, and cranky for this.

Grammy: What?

Billy: I�m just a little cranky, don�t mind me.

Grammy: Huh?

Billy: Forget it. (grandmother shakes head as if she can�t hear, Billy just grits his teeth and
continues to stare out into the mall)

Grammy: Are you excited for Christmas?

Billy: Yes, Grammy, for the hundredth time, I�m excited for Christmas. I�m not a child
anymore, I�m 28. 4 o�clock in the morning, God!

Grammy: We can go home if you want.

Billy: No, Gram. I�m just very tired. I want to do whatever you want to do.

Grammy: Okay, honey.

(caption says, �Four Hours Go By�)

(Billy is asleep, and Grammy is in same position as before, looking around innocently)

Grammy: Billy, Billy. Billy.

Billy: (waking up) Huh, wha? What? Oh, man. I fell asleep.

Grammy: Hi.

Billy: What?

Grammy: Hi.

Billy: (confused) Hi.

Grammy: Hi.

Billy: Okay, Grammy. Let�s go shopping.

Grammy: Can we just sit here for a few minutes?

Billy: If that�s what you want, Grammy.

Grammy: Yes. So, how are you doing?

Billy: Gram, that is like the seventh time you�ve asked me that. Geez.

Grammy: Sorry. What are you listening to?

Billy: Dokken.

Grammy: What?

Billy: The musical rock group that I am listening to on my compact disc player is Dokken.

Grammy: Dog-gone?

Billy: No, Dokken.

Grammy: Dog-gone?

Billy: Yes, Dog-gone. The name of the group is Dog-gone.

Grammy: What?

Billy: DOG-GONE!!!!!!!!!!! (looks around at people that are supposedly there but
off-camera) Sorry, all of you. Sorry. Great, now people think that I�m a guy who cusses
words from the 1930�s.

Grammy: You know, when I was a little girl, we didn�t have malls or anything like that.

Billy: Hard to believe.

Grammy: No, in my time, we worked in sweatshops 96 hours a week.

Billy: (shocked) Good lord.

Grammy: Yes, we were given water for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and after we had
finished sewing pants, shirts, what-have-you, we would end the day with our bosses
whipping us into submission.

Billy: My God! Where did you grow up? In Russia?

Grammy: Hahahahahahahaha! You�re funny.

Billy: That�s just an awful story.

Grammy: I�m sorry you didn�t like it.

Billy: Was I supposed to?

(few seconds go by and both are looking out into fake mall)

Grammy: Billy.

Billy: Yup, Gram.

Grammy: Hi.

Billy: (annoyed) Yeah, hi.

Grammy: Hi.

Billy: Hi, hello. Hello.

Grammy: You don�t hang around with the wrong crowd, do you?

Billy: No, Gram. Not if you call the haggard people in the warehouse where I work, the
wrong people.

Grammy: I don�t want you hanging around with bad boys. You�re not a bad boy, are you?

Billy: Gram.....

Grammy: You�re the greatest boy in the whole world. Well, one of the greatest. All of my
grandchildren are great.

Billy: You�re great, too, Gram.

Grammy: What a beautiful day.

(kid�s noises go by, and whooping and hollering)

Kids (voices): YEAH!!!!! OW!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Billy: Idiot kids. Drooling over video game chicks with big boobs doesn�t make you cool.

Grammy: Which kid was that?

Billy: Which kid was what?

Grammy: Which one was Woo? (Billy just rolls his eyes and doesn�t answer) Hun?

Billy: The....the one on the left.

Grammy: Oh, that was Woo. He didn�t look Oriental.

Billy: I believe the correct name is Asian American. Whatever.

Grammy: Look at those boys. Littering and yelling and fooling around.

Billy: What? Those big kids over there. Don�t worry about them.

Grammy: I bet you could scare all of them away.

Billy: I very well could, yes.

Grammy: Go tell them to stop littering.

Billy: I don�t think so, Grammy. No way.

Grammy: Well, if you don�t I will.

Billy: Oh, yeah. Great idea, Gram. Going up to that group of big kids with bandanas and
flashing gang signs. I�m sure they�ll listen to the elderly lady berating them and not kill her.
Don�t worry about it, Gram. Let�s get going.

Grammy: Here�s some money.

Billy: I don�t need any money, Gram.

Grammy: Take the money.

Billy: Gram, no.

Grammy: Take it.

Billy: I don�t want to....

Grammy: Please, take it. Take it.

Billy: Thank you. I�ll put this two bucks to good use.

Grammy: You can put in the piggy bank.

Billy: Right, let�s go, Gram.

(both get up)

Grammy: What are you listening to, honey?

Billy: Dog-gone.

Grammy: Huh?

Billy: DOG-GONE!!!!!!

(fade)

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Weekend Update

Kenneth Lee Boyd, a man who killed his wife and her father, will be the 1,000th execution
since the resuming of capital punishment in 1977. There are said to be balloons and
confetti being dropped on Boyd in the room, and then he will be quickly put to death.

A spokesman for President Bush is very concerned with stories of U.S. military paying
Iraqi journalists and reporters to give favorable news for the war in Iraq in their local
newspapers. He later went on to say warning soldiers that giving each journalist a chicken
would be a lot cheaper on their wallets.

A patch developed in order to deter Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD,
received a negative review from the Food & Drug Administration. The review went on to
say that the patch induced ulcers, sweating, and lots of running around.

A display about the most influential female artists will be held at the Museum of Television
& Radio, honoring work of women in media arts. Posters of Lucille Ball and Oprah
Winfrey will be hung among the displays, and a poster of Sally Jesse Raphael will denote
where the restrooms are.

It has finally been announced around the country that Emily the Cat is back home in the
city of Milwaukee. This poses an interesting question: Who the hell is Emily the Cat, and
why are we talking about her?

Tina Fey: Two female animal handlers who were fired for not exposing their breasts to a
300 pound gorilla, have settled their lawsuits with the Gorilla Foundation. What are you
going to do with your money, Amy?

Amy Poehler: I�ll probably spend it on booze.

Tina Fey: Yeah, me too.

Amy Poehler: By the way, I showed that ape my breasts anyway.

Tina Fey: Me too.

Amy Poehler: Good times.

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ANOTHER SKETCH -- Jason Dignard, 21:38:40 12/02/05 Fri