Date Posted:00:47:25 10/21/05 Fri Author: Jason Dignard Subject: 3 Sketches Including Cold Opening In reply to:
Jason Dignard
's message, "Safety For Sketches" on 00:46:19 10/21/05 Fri
(shot of the front of car with father driving, mother in passenger seat and kids in the back)
Father: Well, kids, I hope you’re happy.
Mother: Now, honey, please....It’s been a rough week.
Father: We can kiss ever going on vacation again, goodbye.
Jake: Hey, it’s not my fault that that guy in the Mickey Mouse costume didn’t no how to
swim?
Father: It wasn’t that, Jake. It’s that he couldn’t move in the heavy padding. And, Mike,
could you do me a favor, and don’t put anybody’s lives in danger anymore?
Mike: I thought changing the heights for the rides from five feet to two feet would make it
more enjoyable. And give kids a chance to ride.
Father: Great idea.
Mother: Look at that. (pointing) Is that a hitchhiker?
Father: I think so, honey. My God! She’s beautiful. Just gorgeous.
Mike: Pick her up, Dad.
Mother: Oh, don’t. Hitchhikers are so dangerous.
Father: Oh, come on, Sara. It’s a woman in a red dress. What harm could she do?
(car pulls over and as stock footage rolls, a beautiful woman enters and sits between the
two boys in the back)
Jake: Wow, she’s a hottie.
Victoria: Hello, I’m Victoria. Thank you for giving me a lift.
Mike: The feeling is mutual.
Father: So, where you headed?
Victoria: About five miles down this stretch of highway, thanks.
Father: Okay.
(shows two boys rubbing up against Victoria and ogling her with love in their eyes)
Jake: What’s your name?
Victoria: Victoria.
Father: We don’t see too many women in dresses on the road trying to get a ride.
Victoria: Well, you don’t know me.
Mother: It just seems a little strange, that’s all.
(Victoria gets an evil look in her eye)
Victoria: Are you calling me a weirdo?
Mother: No....no...I.....
Victoria: I find it very troubling when people make light of my predicaments. It makes me
so angry, and I do things that you wouldn’t expect a woman of my physique or exquisite
beauty to do.
Mother: I’m sorry.
(male family members are still awestruck and ignore Victoria’s threats)
Father: I have to admit, you are a truly ravishing lady.
Victoria: Why thank you.
Mother: Hey!
Father: What? A man can’t express his emotion toward a woman like this?
Mike: You truly are breathtaking.
Victoria: Thank you. You are too kind. It’s almost a shame that I almost got this dress
ruined after being picked up by a family just like you.
Jake: Why’s that?
Victoria: Just a bit of an accident I had with them.
Mother: Huh?
Father: Well, you look great, anyway.
Victoria: Say, you wouldn’t happen to have anything like club soda and salt or anything
like that?
Father: No, why.
Victoria: Well, I have blood all over my white shoes here. The only thing that may get the
stain out is club soda.
Father: Ah, sorry. We don’t
Mike: We would give it to you if we had any.
Jake: Yeah, sorry.
(mother gets very nervous)
Mother: Blood?
Mike: Mom, stop asking intrusive questions.
Jake: She doesn’t have to explain where she got the stains.
Victoria: Your mother is getting on my nerves.
Father: Ignore her. Now, are you a model?
Victoria: Oh-ho-ho. You are all so flattering. Actually, you could say I live my life out on
the road here.
Father: Really?
Mother: I don’t believe it.
(Victoria gets angry again)
Victoria: Are you calling me a liar?
Mother: No....I...
Victoria: There is nothing worse than someone calling me a liar. I AM NOT A LIAR!!!!!!!
Mother: I didn’t mean to....
Jake: Is this silk?
Victoria: Why, yes, it is. I hope you don’t mind, but I would like to take a quick nap.
Father: No problem.
(Victoria lays back, and hurting sons are trying not to give in to their temptations)
Mother: Honey.
Father: Yeah?
Mother: There is something really strange about this woman.
Father: Oh, what? Because you were so rude to her, and she lashed out on you, there’s
something wrong with her?
Mother: It’s not that. The blood on the shoes, her living out here?
Father: Oh, grow up.
Mother: Well.....what if she was a guy, huh? Just a guy with a beard saying all of these
things? I think you would think twice before letting him stay in the car, right?
Father: Yeah, but this is a girl. And she is HOT!!!!
(mother looks at him angrily)
Father: But not as hot as you, hon! Come on, lighten up.
Mother: You’re right.
Mike: Whoops.
(Victoria wakes up)
Victoria: What is it?
Mike: Oh, you dropped your machete. It was in that bag.
Jake: Machete?
Father: Omigod!!!!!
(Victoria looks nervous)
Jake: Dad, is this not the most coolest woman you have ever seen?
Father: Uh-huh.
Mike: Machete, wow. This is awesome.
Victoria: Uh, you can keep it. I should get out here. Bye, boys.
(Victoria puts her hands on their laps and then puts her hands on the father as a sign of
thanks; after she leaves, they all shiver with delight)
Mother: Thank God she’s gone.
Father: Wow. Incredible.
(car drives off)
Jake: Oh no.
Mother: What is it?
Mike: That hottie left her bag here.
(boys open bag)
Jake: Omigod! It’s a head!!!!!!
Everyone: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Mother: I told you she was crazy.
Father: I’m sorry. She seemed so nice.
(everyone is scared until Jake finds some photos)
Jake: And naked photos of her!
(Mike and father both jump for the photos)
Mike: I got dibs!
Father: No, I do. Gimme.
(father swerves the car a bit, then mother takes control of the wheel as boys argue over
the pictures)
Announcer(voice): Coming this winter on A&E! (several clips of a building shown while
announcer is talking) You loved Family Plots! You couldn’t get enough of Airline! Now,
get ready for another work-related reality TV show, when A&E Television brings you....
DMV!!!!!!!! Watch your average every day Department of Motor Vehicles as the people
who work there try their best to piss everyone off.
(clip of Jessica talking with customer)
Jessica: Hello, I’m Jessica, can I help you?
Customer 1: Oh, can you help me? I’ve been waiting, along with the fifty-plus people in
here for over an hour.
Jessica: Please calm down, sir.
Customer 1: I will not calm down. It’s bad enough that I have to come here to make a
payment on my car, but to....
Jessica: Hold on just a minute.
Customer 1: No....don’t go away.
Jessica: Just one moment.
(Jessica leaves table and goes out back)
Customer 1: AAAAHHHHHH!!!! Love it here. Just love it.
(cut to Jessica standing behind door doing her nails)
(black screen with announcer)
Announcer(voice): DMV shows the tough real-life challenges that workers here face
everyday.
(clip of Beverly talking with Jessica)
Beverly: Okay, honey, what’s wrong?
Jessica: Bev, this man filled out the wrong form.
Beverly: Oh yeah, this is the wrong form. The form you were supposed to fill out is a over
here.
Customer 2: Well, this is the form that I was given. Surely, you can look over this
mistake, I really need to get to my daughter’s play.
Jessica: No need to get snippy with us. We have a rough job here.
Beverly: Yeah, so just fill out this new seventy-four page form and we’ll get you into our
system for payment.
Customer 2: Uh, Bev, I’ve been sitting here for over....
Beverly: Uh, OK, don’t call me Bev. She can call me Bev. She is my friend. You can’t
even call me Beverly.
Customer 2: Look, I’m sorry. It’s just that...
Beverly: You don’t call me anything, alright? Look, I think the phone’s ringing.
Jessica: Yeah, I hear it, too.
(both go out back)
Customer 2: For the love of God, no. Please come back. Jesus!!!!!
(black screen again)
Announcer(voice): USA Today says, “DMV is a true reality show that can get under your
skin with lots of tension!”
(as the word “tension” is said, clip is shown of many people sitting on the benches waiting
for their numbers to be called for several seconds with no sound)
(black screen once again)
Announcer(voice): The New York Post says, “Riveting! As close to the real thing as you
can get!” Peter Travers says, “I felt like leaving the room, I was so frustrated! Then, I
realized, I was at home, and that this really wasn’t happening to me! Truly brilliant reality
at it’s best!”
(clip of Jessica and coworker eating at a lunch table in the back, not saying a word to each
other; at the same time, screams can be heard from the open area but not seen: most
notably angry customers)
Announcer(voice): Tune in to A&E, Fridays at 9pm eastern, 8pm central....
(clip of Jessica talking to customer)
Customer 3: I just came for my license.
Jessica: Uh-huh, honey. And what can I do for you?
Customer 3: I don’t know. I just said I needed a license. I think you need to take my
picture or...
Jessica: Just fill out this form, then we can take your picture.
(Jessica takes out enormous form the size of a dictionary and plops it on desk)
Customer 3: What the...?
Jessica: When you’re done, just get back in line, and we’ll see what we can do for you.
Bye now.
(black screen)
Announcer(voice): A&E. Sucking the life out of our network and joining the gang in
reality TV.
(fade)
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
COLD OPENING
Hannity & Colmes
Sean Hannity...Darrell Hammond
Alan Colmes...Bill Hader
Dr. Albert Phinneran...Chris Parnell
(theme song and cut to show)
Sean Hannity: Welcome to Hannity & Colmes. We have a lot to get to tonight. I first
would like to get started on this issue with Harriet Miers and her nomination from the
President. First of all, let me just say this: I have all the faith in the world in the president.
He is my president.
Alan Colmes: Yes, that’s....
Sean Hannity: I have all the faith in the world of him. Sure, she does see eye to eye with
most people. She may not have the same credentials as the other justices of the Supreme
Court. I’m fine with that. I’m fine with that. Nothing wrong with a little bit of diversity in
actual ability on the bench.
Alan Colmes: When you say diversity....
Sean Hannity: You have Harriet Miers, alright. Harriet Miers is a nice looking lady.
Charming lady. The president loves her. So, what’s wrong with that? Anything wrong
with that?
Alan Colmes: You have to take into account that...
Sean Hannity: On the other hand, the Republicans being in an uproar with the choice that
President Bush has made, you have to agree somewhat with her mishandlings and
misjudgment on some cases. That’s understandable. But, the true issue in this matter, is if
she is qualified for the job. Once again, I say I trust the president. He is my president.
Alan Colmes: Okay. But...
Sean Hannity: You have to stick behind the president. Was it a good idea to invade Iraq?
Of course it was. Should we do again, if necessary? Yes. My problem is, that people will
not stick behind the president no matter what. He is our president, and we should be
behind him 100%. I hate these people who look at what he’s done, and say, “Well, he
shouldn’t have done this” or “He’s killed all of these people over there” or “There are no
signs of weapons of mass destruction” or “No ties to Al Qaeda.” It all just makes me sick.
If the president says it’s the truth, it’s the truth. End of story.
(Colmes waiting to speak; Hannity stops)
Alan Colmes: Um......yes. Okay. Let me just say....
Sean Hannity: You look at the president’s approval rating dropping every week. People,
you have to consider that this is the liberal media giving you this junk. Not our news
station. Those polls are all lies. All lies. I have the proof right here. You ask yourself, if I
haven’t been polled, then where do they get the results? Because, they’re all made up,
that’s why!
Alan Colmes: Made up? Come on, Sean....
Sean Hannity: Let me finish. These polls are a mockery of a sham. You can not believe
that these polls are all true. First of all, Iraq is ours. Just because people are dying over
there every day doesn’t mean we haven’t won. We’ve won, folks. We’ve won, and that’s
that. President Bush has done a phenomenal job at this war, and I back any other war he is
going into. Here are the polls for our station; take a look.
(Polls show 100% that Bush is doing a “SUPER” job of all counts)
Alan Colmes: Now, see, that can’t be true. I know he’s not doing a good...
Sean Hannity: Liberal bias is what it is. Alan, you know it, all of the liberals know it.
You’re teasing a revolution to get Bush out of office. Bush is not the problem. The liberal
media is. The conservative population is saying, “Hey, we know Bush is doing a great job.
End of story.” Right? As much as I hate to say it, Al, conservatives are right behind Bush
in his choice for Supreme Court Justice.
Alan Colmes: You’re wrong about that. In nearly every newspaper....
Sean Hannity: Our first guest tonight is here to talk about the WWII soldier that was
frozen in the ice after crashing into the Sierra Nevada mountains and freezing into a
crevasse. Dr. Albert Phinneran is with us. Doctor, tell us what is going on.
Dr. Albert Phinneran: Yes, it’s quite a discovery. He was first found...
Sean Hannity: Doctor, the man had been stuck up there along with four or five other
airmen in a plane. It seems hard to believe that something like this could go unnoticed for
so many years. Tell me, who do you think was hiding the body all of this time?
Dr. Albert Phinneran: I don’t know what you mean.
Sean Hannity: Perhaps the liberals?
Dr. Albert Phinneran: That’s absurd. I really...
Sean Hannity: Sorry, just have to blame them at least once every five minutes. This is
quite a find. Do you feel that our esteemed President Bush is the reason for finding this
body? Here are some more questions I would like to ask: When the body thaws, will the
WWII pilot have the ability to walk and talk, and if so, would he go up to our President
and thank him for being in charge the time he was thawed out of the ice?
Dr. Albert Phinneran: I really don’t think he’ll be alive and....
Sean Hannity: Before we let you go, doctor, Al, you want to say anything?
Alan Colmes: Actually, yes. Dr. Phinneran, there has been information that there could be
several more pilots up there frozen in the ice. Will there be any surveying of the area and...
Sean Hannity: Cut it with the boring liberal chatter, for God’s sake. When we come back
we will talk about the NRA bill that has been passed by Congress and my good buddy,
President Bush. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!!!!!!!!!
