Re: SNY: The Lost Comedy -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 00:00:57 05/15/05 Sun
Author: Jack Farrell
Subject: Re: SNY: The Lost Comedy
In reply to: Jack Farrell 's message, "SNY: The Lost Comedy" on 23:51:31 05/14/05 Sat

Will Ferrell Monologue
By Jack Farrell

Will Ferrell�
Maya Rudolph�
Amy Poehler�
Tina Fey�
Rachel Dratch�
Don Pardo�

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, your host Will Ferrell!

(Will enters the stage through the main door to thunderous applause. He wears a fancy black tux.)

Will: Thank you everybody, thank you so much, it is great to be back here at Saturday Night Live. It�s been a long time since I have been back here and it just rules that I didn�t turn out like Chevy Chase. I have been in damn near everything lately, I just had a new movie come out called Kicking and Screaming, which was great to do. Yeah life has been pretty nice to me lately but there has been one thing that has been on my mind. There was one person here at SNL that I never told my true feelings to and if it�s all right with you I would like to tell that special someone my feelings in song.

(The audience applauds Will�s decision to sing.)

Will: Top Hat!

(A black top hat flies out from stage right and Will catches it.)

Will: Cane!

(A black cane flies out from stage left and Will catches it.)

Will: Ladies of SNL assemble!

(Tina, Amy, and Maya come out onto the stage wearing bright pink gowns.)

Will: Okay hit it band.

(The band starts playing an up tempo jazz beat.)

Will: (singing) Oh there are many a-

(Will stops himself and turns around to see only 3 women behind him dancing.)

Will: Now wait a second stop the music, what is going on? Where is Rachel?
Maya: Oh sorry Will.

Amy: Yeah we thought you wanted the hot women of SNL, not the dogs.

Will: Shut your hole Amy! Maya go and get Rachel, now!

Maya: Okay relax Will.

(Maya leaves the stage to find Rachel.)

Will: You know you all remind me of why I left in the first place, geez!

(Maya returns with Rachel who is wearing a trench coat and a hat that covers the upper half of my piece.)

Will: Hi Rachel, why didn�t you come out on stage when I called for the women of SNL.

Rachel: Well it�s just that, I am the ugly one. I am either playing Debbie Downer, or a crotchety old hooker, or that weird person with the arm and the leg who drools. Lets just face it Will, I am to SNL what Kirstie Alley was to Cheers.

Will: Now hold on Rachel you have it all wrong and I�ll tell you why well let me just sing it to you, hit it band!

(The band restarts its jazzy tune as Maya, Tina, and Amy begin swaying back and forth.)

Will: (singing) Oh of all the ladies that I have seen here there were only two who I thought were quite dear, at first there was Tina but then I sighed a loud grunt, it turns out she�s gay and she likes to eat-organic vegetables.

Tina: Will I have a husband.

Will: (spoken) Whatever satisfies your over religious parents Tina, (singing) And then there was Amy but to me she�s just fair, and I really got scared when I found out she had no real hair.

(Amy looks shocked as she rips off her hair showing her baldness.)

Amy: (spoken) I told you I was going through chemo.

Will: (spoken) Yeah cancer my ass. (singing) Then there is Maya, people think she is cool, but she�s ridden more men than Miss Paula Abdul.

Maya: No I haven�t Will.

Will: (spoken) Oh please Maya, after guys sleep with you, their privates become so red they call it �getting the Rudolph.� (singing) But still there was one dame who I knew would rise to great fame, I am talking about you Rachel Dratch!

Rachel: Me?!

Will: (spoken) oh yes (singing) Oh yes your quite the catch you�re the greatest of the greatest Mrs. Rachel Dratch. No matter if your playing a man or a whore there�s no other lady that I could adore

Rachel: (Singing) Then I guess I should let the whole world see what a beautiful person I truly can be!

(Rachel throws off her trench coat to show her wearing a sexy red dress.)

Will: (spoken) That�s the stuff I�ve been waiting to see, (singing) Oh darling, oh baby you make my heart pound as I stare at your voluptuous goddess like mounds.

Rachel: Will!

Will: (spoken) Hey I cant help it you have the best breasts in the cast (singing) That�s right Mrs. Dratch you light up my life if the world was just perfect I�d make you my wife!

Rachel: (singing) But your married!

Will: (singing) That�s why late at night I would silently creep and smother my wife while she�s deep in her sleep! (spoken) that is if you want me to, do ya?

Rachel: (spoken) No that�s okay.

Will: (singing) I guess the big thing I am trying to say is that working with you was like heaven each day! Rachel you were so much fun and no matter what they say, your�e not the ugly one! (spoken) Help me out fellow SNL ladies.

Tina, Maya, Amy, and Will: (singing) Your not the ugly one!

Will: We have a great show for you, Rachel Dratch is here and so is Queens of the Stone Age so stick around and we�ll be right back.

(The SNL cast takes their bows.)

End

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Replies:

Cold open & Monologue still needed, RE: Lindsay Lohan (NT) -- Patrick, 21:08:34 05/20/05 Fri

Potential Cold Open -- Jim Bevan, 07:56:09 05/21/05 Sat

Cold Opening Idea -- Dignard, 13:04:08 05/21/05 Sat