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Date Posted: 19:26:03 09/24/04 Fri
Author: Jen
Subject: My favorite jokes and commentaries from WUs
In reply to: Jen's Best of and some useless statistics 's message, "Time flies when you're unemployed waiting for school to start" on 19:21:40 09/24/04 Fri



Jennifer Lopez had a “surprise” wedding to singer Marc Anthony last weekend. The divorce, however, won’t be as much of a surprise. In fact, it’s scheduled a few weeks before J. Lo’s next movie comes out, which is coincidentally a few days after Anthony’s next album comes out.

British Telecommunications announced plans to block access to child pornography on the internet, which is illegal in Britain. In an unrelated story, R. Kelly has cancelled the London stop on his European tour.

Tina Fey: Summer is almost upon us and with that warm weather comes higher electric bills as the nation turns to their air conditioners. To help you minimize electricity costs, here is a report from our own professional mooch, Flip Kimball.

Flip Kimball: Thanks, Tina. Before I begin I’d like to remind everyone that every technique I discuss here is also in my new release, Use A Close, Personal Friend’s Money to Buy This Book. Now, as Tina mentioned, summer is a time of rising electric bills. You need that electricity for important things, like that vacuum you have on a thirty day risk-free trial. The first thing I want to show you is this marvelous new invention. [ holds it up ] What this has is an outlet on the front and space for four Size D batteries on the back. Plug anything into it and this “Remote Power Unit,” or RPU, will let you do some really advanced, high-level mooching to help lower your monthly electric bill.

Now, the first thing you want to do is get yourself a stock of rechargeable Size D batteries. Your friends probably have them in their flashlights, so have your basement lights “go out” a few times to borrow them. [ lifts up flashlight, unscrews top, spills batteries onto desk ] These things are battery goldmines; they’re like electric pińatas. Now that we have our batteries, it’s time to recharge them.

Here’s where the mooching really comes in. We have to find some place discreet where someone else foots the bill. Now, the most obvious place to recharge you batteries is at your office. Use a few of your neighbor’s extension cords and you could recharge the space shuttle out of your desk drawer. It’s out of sight, you have easy access, what could go wrong? Well, I think it’s fair to say, after all those dinner receipts you turn in as a “business expense,” the brass is going to have their eye on you. They certainly would notice this spike in your electric usage. I cannot stress this enough: if you don’t want to get caught, you have to spread it around. That’s why I invented this baby. [ lifts up and displays lamp ]

What this appears to be is just your standard desk lamp. A useful thing to have in your office; [ turns his on ] it appears perfectly ordinary. But, it secretly recharges batteries. You just put the key in here, and it opens up. [ demonstrates, pulls out battery and replaces ] Give these to everyone you know. Explain how you’re tired of always being the one borrowing stuff, and that you want to give something back for once. They’re stupid; they’ll probably believe you. Seriously, go nuts. Right now I have twenty-six coworkers, three uncles, seven cousins, my optometrist, my dentist, and my daughter’s piano teacher all recharging batteries for me right now, and they don’t even know it! And with these RPU’s, just one battery lets you run a Dell to shop online with your physician’s credit card for seventeen hours! It’s that easy!

Tina Fey: What an interesting technique, Flip. By the way, I really like your suit.

Flip Kimball: Thanks, Tina. I wanted to look good for my first TV appearance so I told my brother George that I was attending my mother-in-law’s funeral. [ chuckles ] I wish.

Tina Fey: [ gives a “there he goes again face” ] Get out of here! Flip Kimball everyone!

A variety of Christian diets are beginning to appear on the fad diet scene. One proclaims that “The Lord gave us everything we need in the Garden of Eden: fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds.” The diet is called the “Hallelujah Diet,” featuring the slogan, “What Would Jesus Eat?” This is all true, you guys.

Former President Ronald Reagan passed away last week at the age of 93. After reaching the pearly gates, Reagan approached St. Peter and said, "Peter, tear down this gate."

Dick Cheney dropped the F-bomb on the senate floor when arguing with Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahy this week, but considering how many bombs he's in control of, it was just a matter of time. Following the incident, C-SPAN apparentally received its first fine from the FCC. C-SPAN's US Senate Coverage was also publicly denounced and dropped by Clear Channel, who only broadcast it in two markets anyway. Things quickly spiraled out of control when his right man-breast popped out.

Kazakhstan has recently shown interest in developing a space program, with their first cosmonaut tentatively scheduled to go up in 2006. This program is very important for Kazakhstan, as it will finally allow them to figure out where they are on a map.

T-Boz, from the R&B group TLC, filed a divorce from her husband, rapper Mack 10, saying he commited adultery and threatened to kill her. Just like the honeymoon, huh T-Boz?

Earlier this week HMO’s won a lawsuit against patients who sued them since they were denied doctor recommended care on their medical plans. Don’t worry, folks, that high quality HMO care won't go away due to legal costs. You’ll still be able to get treated if you have your arm cut off with a chainsaw on a Tuesday between the hours of 4 and 5 a.m. and are of a Native American heritage.

Earlier this week scientists discovered a way to reduce the amount of methane gas sheep produce into the air when they burp and fart in order to reduce global warming. Their original idea was to drive solar cars to work, but then the scientists were all called queermos.

A jailer in Tennessee has been charged with supplying illegal DVD’s to over 100 of the female inmates at the prison. The films seemed to be home improvement shows such as “Carpet Handling” and “Plugging up Holes”.

A woman has settled a lawsuit in which she claimed to have developed a phobia of toilets after falling off one at a hotel. She asked for $14,000 compensation for pain, injury, medical treatment, and the upkeep of a litter box.

A former AOL employee was charged with stealing AOL’s entire subscriber list and selling it to a spammer that markets herbal penile enlargement pills. Sound familiar, guys? We’ve all gotten those emails. Women automatically delete them, of course. Let’s set a few things straight for the menfolk:

1. No, those emails did not come from your doctor.

2. They didn’t come from your partner, either.

3. It’s just a company trying to take advantage of your low self-esteem and the American masculinity complex.

4. However, your penis is still too small.

Hussein remained defiant during the proceedings and denounced his trial as nothing more than a staged act run by President Bush. The judge presiding over the trial responded to the outburst with, "Silence! That is nothing more than a pointless lie! I haven't heard such foolishness since... since... LINE!"

Robert Barrows, of Burlingame, California has filed a patent application for a video-equipped tombstone that will display a video message from the grave's occupant. Among the more popular video messages recorded so far: "Let me out of here, I was just taking a nap, for crying out loud!"

Tina Fey: Here with a commentary, from McAffe Funeral Parlor, is Jeremy McAffe.

[ Jeremy McAffe, in a classy suit, walks on and stands in front of the WU desk to deliver his commentary ]

Jeremy McAffe: Thank you, Tina. There is nothing more tragic than the completely foreseeable passing of a close relative. Besides the emotional strain, many families are also shocked at how expensive a modern funeral can be. We in the funeral industry tend to shy away from “numbers” so I’ll just say the price will exceed the five digit mark. I wish I had better news for you folks, but that’s sadly the truth. So what I’d like to do right now is help one lucky audience member’s family out. What I have here in my hand [ holds up envelope ] is a voucher for all the services involved in a McAffe Funeral. One week’s body storage, embalming, a pick of any of our mid-price caskets, three hour wake and funeral service—all compliments of McAffe Funeral Parlor. So, are you guys ready?

[ applause, cheering as a lottery-style ping pong ball machine is wheeled out ]

Jeremy McAffe: [ cheerily ] Let’s give away a funeral! [ removes a ball ] Will the person seated in seat H26 please stand up?

[ spotlights on Audience Member, who stands up and is escorted to the stage ]

Jeremy McAffe: Congratulations, sir, you’ve just won the McAffe Funeral Prize Pack. And what is your name?

Audience Member: Anthony Greengoat! Oh, man, I’m so excited, I can’t believe I won!

Jeremy McAffe: If you could step right this way, sir, our assistants will help you claim your prize.

Audience Member: Wow! This is terrific! [ heads off-stage ]

Jeremy McAffe: Thanks for listening folks, I hope I helped demystify the matter for everyone. And in just a few seconds, Anthony Greengoat will begin enjoying all the benefits of a McAffe funeral experience.

[ GUNSHOT ]

Jeremy McAffe: Thank you, everyone, goodnight!

Tina Fey: Jeremy McAffe, everybody!

A supplier for Kentucky Fried Chicken suspended a worker without pay and is investigating three others after animal rights group, PETA, released a video of workers kicking, stomping and throwing birds against walls at a West Virginia plant. PETA made the claim that, not only is it cruel to animals, but, in their opinion, it doesn't really enhance the taste of the chicken that much.

It was reported this week that a South African woman mistakenly plunked a 100-year-old gold coin worth more than $1,000 into a parking meter, while shopping without her glasses. On the plus side, she can leave her car parked for 33 more days before she has to feed the meter again.

In Utah, local vandals have begun breaking into libraries and editing books with swear words. Also, they began taking out all National Geographic books that have pictorals from Africa - you know the ones I’m talking about.

Former tennis star John Mcenroe has a new show on CNBC following Dennis Miller’s show. Asked to comment, television viewers around America said in unison, “YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!”

In Britain, a government-sponsored study has reported finding environmentally significant levels of Prozac in the country's drinking water. When asked to comment, one government official said “There’s Prozac in the water? That’s great. Everything is just so great.”.

Country singer Charlie Daniels, is drawing heat from the Arab-American community who say his song, "This Ain't No Rag, It's a Flag," because the song refers to a derogatory term used against Arab-Americans. A spokesman for the Arab-American community said, “If Mr. Daniels gets in my cab, I will not drive him anywhere!”

In Celebrity News, Paris Hilton and Nick Carter have broken up. Asked to comment, one of the guys from LFO said, “Well, I guess it’s my turn!”

China's first nude beach was quickly shut down this week as the country's leaders realized they hadn't been doing enough to oppress their citizens lately.

A poll this week shows that John Kerry is beating President Bush in key states. Asked to comment, President Bush said, "What about the states you need a combination in order to open? Damn it, you know I'm not good with numbers!"

NASA has stunned the astronomic world by announcing the discovery of four new planets beyond our solar system. Upon hearing the news President Bush announced that he would extend his campaign trail to those planets to appeal to any potential swing voters.

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