Stealing Jen's concept, my favorite WU Jokes -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 21:18:35 09/24/04 Fri
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Stealing Jen's concept, my favorite WU Jokes
In reply to: Jen 's message, "My favorite jokes and commentaries from WUs" on 19:26:03 09/24/04 Fri

Forgive me for taking the premise, Jen. I just thought that I'd list the jokes and commentaries I liked best from the summer episodes.

Oh, also, I was surprised that I was listed in the Celebrity Poker Showdown credits, I didn't contribute anything to it, just lent some critiques. Thank you for the mention, Mark, and thanks again for helping me out with our Roast sketch. You really helped make it shine.

My personal best of WU:

Last Sunday the Tony Awards were held, and in a surprise upset, �Avenue Q,� an irreverant parody of Sesame Street, beat the favorite, �Wicked,� about the Wicked Witch of the West, for the Best Musical award, thus proving that good will always triumph over evil. Or, rather, puppet sex will always triumph over the bitch with green skin.

Flip Kimball: Thanks, Tina. Before I begin I�d like to remind everyone that every technique I discuss here is also in my new release, Use A Close, Personal Friend�s Money to Buy This Book. Now, as Tina mentioned, summer is a time of rising electric bills. You need that electricity for important things, like that vacuum you have on a thirty day risk-free trial. The first thing I want to show you is this marvelous new invention. [ holds it up ] What this has is an outlet on the front and space for four Size D batteries on the back. Plug anything into it and this �Remote Power Unit,� or RPU, will let you do some really advanced, high-level mooching to help lower your monthly electric bill.

Now, the first thing you want to do is get yourself a stock of rechargeable Size D batteries. Your friends probably have them in their flashlights, so have your basement lights �go out� a few times to borrow them. [ lifts up flashlight, unscrews top, spills batteries onto desk ] These things are battery goldmines; they�re like electric pi�atas. Now that we have our batteries, it�s time to recharge them.

Here�s where the mooching really comes in. We have to find some place discreet where someone else foots the bill. Now, the most obvious place to recharge you batteries is at your office. Use a few of your neighbor�s extension cords and you could recharge the space shuttle out of your desk drawer. It�s out of sight, you have easy access, what could go wrong? Well, I think it�s fair to say, after all those dinner receipts you turn in as a �business expense,� the brass is going to have their eye on you. They certainly would notice this spike in your electric usage. I cannot stress this enough: if you don�t want to get caught, you have to spread it around. That�s why I invented this baby. [ lifts up and displays lamp ]

What this appears to be is just your standard desk lamp. A useful thing to have in your office; [ turns his on ] it appears perfectly ordinary. But, it secretly recharges batteries. You just put the key in here, and it opens up. [ demonstrates, pulls out battery and replaces ] Give these to everyone you know. Explain how you�re tired of always being the one borrowing stuff, and that you want to give something back for once. They�re stupid; they�ll probably believe you. Seriously, go nuts. Right now I have twenty-six coworkers, three uncles, seven cousins, my optometrist, my dentist, and my daughter�s piano teacher all recharging batteries for me right now, and they don�t even know it! And with these RPU�s, just one battery lets you run a Dell to shop online with your physician�s credit card for seventeen hours! It�s that easy!

Tina Fey: What an interesting technique, Flip. By the way, I really like your suit.

Flip Kimball: Thanks, Tina. I wanted to look good for my first TV appearance so I told my brother George that I was attending my mother-in-law�s funeral. [ chuckles ] I wish.

A variety of Christian diets are beginning to appear on the fad diet scene. One proclaims that �The Lord gave us everything we need in the Garden of Eden: fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds.� The diet is called the �Hallelujah Diet,� featuring the slogan, �What Would Jesus Eat?� This is all true, you guys.

Dick Cheney dropped the F-bomb on the senate floor when arguing with Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahy this week, but considering how many bombs he's in control of, it was just a matter of time. Following the incident, C-SPAN apparentally received its first fine from the FCC. C-SPAN's US Senate Coverage was also publicly denounced and dropped by Clear Channel, who only broadcast it in two markets anyway. Things quickly spiraled out of control when his right man-breast popped out.

Sen. Leahy commented, "I think he was just having a bad day, and I was kind of shocked to hear that kind of language on the senate floor, what with all the young, impressionable children around."

Mattel is gearing up to launch a Barbie line of clothes, accessories and perfumes for women. I'd be careful wearing these, though. Just yesterday I was lying in my room and my little brother snuck in and undressed me.

Earlier this week HMO�s won a lawsuit against patients who sued them since they were denied doctor recommended care on their medical plans. Don�t worry, folks, that high quality HMO care won't go away due to legal costs. You�ll still be able to get treated if you have your arm cut off with a chainsaw on a Tuesday between the hours of 4 and 5 a.m. and are of a Native American heritage.

A former AOL employee was charged with stealing AOL�s entire subscriber list and selling it to a spammer that markets herbal penile enlargement pills. Sound familiar, guys? We�ve all gotten those emails. Women automatically delete them, of course. Let�s set a few things straight for the menfolk:

1. No, those emails did not come from your doctor.

2. They didn�t come from your partner, either.

3. It�s just a company trying to take advantage of your low self-esteem and the American masculinity complex.

4. However, your penis is still too small.

John Kerry said this week that he plans to bring back respect in America. Asked to explain, Kerry said, �For the last 3 and half years, America has been much like a Rodney Dangerfield routine. We were getting no respect, no respect at all!� Kerry then said, �America will become respected again, when I appoint Aretha Franklin, the new Secretary of Agriculture!�

A new opinion poll revealed that people like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein more than President George W. Bush. Asked to comment, President Bush said, �Damn it! Why do I keep losing those damn popularity contests?"

When questioned as to whether or not he felt threatened of losing the southern states to John Kerry, George W. Bush said that he will carry the south because he shares their values - such as bad speech, missing teeth, and hot cousins.

On Thursday, Federal officials disclosed that Al-Qaida intends to attack the United States in order to disrupt the November elections. Upon learning this information, Ralph Nader said, "Wait just a darn minute - that's what I was hired to do!"

It was confirmed by his agent that James M. Doohan, best known for playing Scotty from "Star Trek", has Alzheimer's disease. Suspicion started when Doohan was reported saying (in a dreadful Scotish accent), "I can't remember much more, Cap'n! If my head gets any more memory, she'll blow!"

Following a shortened performance in Germany last month, rocker David Bowie underwent an emergency angioplasty to open a blocked heart artery. Doctors said from now on there will be major ch-ch-ch-changes in Bowie's diet.

During a promotional event for summer reading at the Santa Barbara library this week, State Education Secretary Richard Riordan jokingly told a child that her name, Isis, meant "stupid dirty girl," prompting the head of the California NAACP to call for his resignation. For those of you keeping score, Weekend Update has learned that Riordan's name means "arrogant rich bastard."

The U.S. Army announced that members of all four branches of its military are now eligible for free plastic surgery, including breast enlargements. Not only will this help surgeons practice their skills, but it will also give bullets something to riccochet off of during war.

Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Thank you, Tina. You know I�ve been watching a lot of sports on television, lately. Do you know who the biggest sports star in America is, right now? It�s not Shaq or Kobe or even, Derek Jeter. The biggest sports star right now, is Lance Armstrong. Anyone find that troubling? The biggest athlete right now is a guy named, Lance! He sounds like he should be a Backstreet Boy or an �N Syncer! The most popular athlete can�t be named Lance! It�s just not right! We need a guy named BRUCE! That�s strong, that�s manly. Bruce Armstrong�that�s manly! Or Bubba! Bubba Bruce Armstrong! That�s a name you look up to. A guy named Lance, you look down at, cause he�s like 5 feet � one, he goes about 125 pounds. A guy named Bruce, or Bubba�that�s a guy going 6 � 11, goes about 385. So, I guess what I�m trying to say is, Lance Armstrong is a girly man! Thank you!

Tina Fey: Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger!

It was reported this week that a South African woman mistakenly plunked a 100-year-old gold coin worth more than $1,000 into a parking meter, while shopping without her glasses. On the plus side, she can leave her car parked for 33 more days before she has to feed the meter again.

In the Georgia primary earlier this week the new electronic voting machines experienced technical difficulties and voters were forced to use paper backup ballots. The officials in charge noticed the difficulties when it was found that HAL was getting the majority of the votes.

In Utah, local vandals have begun breaking into libraries and editing books with swear words. Also, they began taking out all National Geographic books that have pictorals from Africa - you know the ones I�m talking about.

A chain of private schools in California, where immigrant students learned that there are 53 states, 4 branches of the U.S. government and that Word War II took place between 1938 to 1942, were shut down this week. Though disappointed, one student was philosophical about the closure, saying, "Oh well, that�s the way the banana crumbles."

This week the state of Florida has been once again threatened by yet another storm system Hurricane Frances. The state has been so battered lately that its name has been changed from Florida to �God�s bitch.�

Tina Fey: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the Update desk, all the way from Buffalo, New York, �Just John Kruk�!

�Just John Kruk�: Thank you, Tina. I�m not here to do any stand-up comedy as many of you hoped. I am here to announce that I am retiring from the funny business. After losing to B-Rabbit on Last Comic Standing, two months ago, I figure that it is only a matter of time that my number would be called and I would have to quit this business.

Tina Fey: I don�t know, John. It just seems that comedy club owners would be ringing your phone off the hook with offers to MC or headline. That hasn�t happened?

�Just John Kruk�: Well, Tina, it�s a little bit harder than that. I really don�t want to talk about it. I would just like get out of this business while I still can. I don�t want to become some friggin� sideshow.

Tina Fey: Speaking of Dat Phan, how is he?

�Just John Kruk�: He�s fine. I talk to him, yesterday. William Hung and Dat Phan just got offered a sitcom on UPN. So, good luck to the both of them!

Tina Fey: So, John, you�re done with the whole comedy thing, what�s next for you?

�Just John Kruk�: Well, I�m about to begin my new career in the porno industry! Adam Glasser, who some may know as �Seymour Butts�, is starting a whole franchise of films around me. I have always been a fan of buddy cop films. You know, like �Lethal Weapon�, �Stakeout�, and �48 Hours�. My favorite is probably �To Live & Die In L.A.� My character will be known as Bruno Berehaven! His tag line is, �Dirty on the streets, even dirtier in the sack�.

Tina Fey: Good luck with that! I�ll be watching for those. John, this is probably your last �Saturday Night You� appearance�anything special you�d like to do for your final hooray?

�Just John Kruk�: Yes. Yes, I do. I�d like to do the only thing I know how to do. Be funny!

(Stage lights fade to black; a spotlight beams on �Just John Kruk�)

You know, I�ve been watching a lot of television and I�ve notice something�Michael Moore is a big, fat, disgusting slob! He�s everywhere now! He�s got one of the biggest films of the year, he�s out and about bitching about George W. Bush. I�m not against Michael Moore; he seems like a nice guy. I�m just making light of his imperfections.

I saw Moore on MSN or CNN or Obesity Weekly or something like that. Maybe it was 3 Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese, hold the onions. All I�m saying is the guy�s fat!

I look at him and he�s talking and it�s like watch Louie Anderson on �Family Feud�. He�s like (Doing an impression of Michael Moore as if he was Louie Anderson) �President Bush is a liar, he never shows his work. People hate him. (Shouting) Let�s play the feud! Hundred people surveyed, who gives a crap about this election!�

Thank you! You�ve been a great audience.

Tina Fey: �Just John Kruk�, the one, the only! For Weekend Update, I�m Tina Fey. Good night and have pleasant tomorrow.

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Me too! -- Hillary, 21:52:27 09/28/04 Tue