Fanfiction Theatre: The Passion of the Christ -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 18:49:05 05/03/04 Mon
Author: Hillary
Subject: Fanfiction Theatre: The Passion of the Christ
In reply to: Hillary 's message, "....And it's another sketch." on 18:47:37 05/03/04 Mon

Gerald�..Fred Armisen
Mary�..Amy Poehler
God�..Will Forte

Announcer: And now, the Geek Channel presents, "Fanfiction Theatre."

(Scene opens on Gerald, an obvious nerd with glasses. As he speaks, it is clear he is trying to sound cultured.)
Gerald: Good evening. Tonight, we bring to you a new genre of fanfiction, as a change of pace from all the science fiction and fantasy, and uh, the typical stuff like that. The recent success of "The Passion of the Christ" has lead to the creation of yet another screwy fandom. There has been Bible fanfic before, but Mel Gibson's film has renewed the interest of many in forming unintentionally grotesque parodies of the fables in the good book. This one, "It Happened One Night," is based on the idea of the immaculate conception.

(Shot of a neon sign outside a clay building that looks like it's from biblical times. The sign reads, "Judean Jive." Shot changes to inside the club, which has low lighting and a sleazy atmosphere. Arabic techno music is playing in the background. In the foreground left is Mary, in the traditional veil and robe in which she is usually portrayed. She's delicately sipping a glass of red wine. In the background right is an inconspicuously dressed man [God] smoking and sneaking glances at Mary. He gets up and walks nonchalantly up to her. When he reaches her, he purposely bumps into her, causing her to spill the wine all over the front of her robe.)

Mary: Ahh!!

God: (Apologizes profusely, feigning sensitivity.) I'm so sorry! Really I am. I'm such a clod. When I was five, I got kicked in the head by a camel, and I've been clumsy ever since. Can I buy you another drink?

Mary: Well, I guess I can't wash this off. We have no water because of the drought. Crap. (Her hand flies to her mouth, as if she just said something terrible.) Excuse my language, but you took me by surprise.

God: So, can I buy you a drink?

Mary: Sure, that would be nice.

(Shot moves to God getting a drink from the bartender. The bartender walks off. God glances around him, and then slips a large pill into the drink. It dissolves, and then looks perfectly normal. Shot returns to Mary, with God walking up to her.)

God: Here, it's the least I can do. (Hands her the drink, she starts to sip again, but then takes a long draught.)

Mary: Thank you, but I'm sure it was an accident. Well�(looks down at her soiled clothes, trying to hide her embarrassment) cheers!

God: (grins) Eh, mazel tov. (As if he suddenly remembered something) You know what? I bet they have some water outside for the donkeys. You could at least soak it-you need to do these things fast, before the stain becomes permanent. (Feigns a knowing look of concern.)

Mary: (Looks worried) Really? This is the only unmarried woman outfit I still have�maybe I'll go out and look�(she takes another draught, then gets up and leaves. Shot changes to a stable with faint animal sounds in the background. Mary is stumbling around behind a row of donkeys, muttering to herself. She seems more sleepy than drunk.)

Mary: Jeez, I probably drank too much�(a loud HEEHAW is heard as Mary steps on a donkey's hoof) Sorry! Dammit�why did I come in here? (She passes out. God comes out from where he was lurking in the shadows, and glances around before he bends over her�Shot changes to Mary sitting in a courtyard with bird song in the background. She's mixing something in a bowl, but she's obviously stressed out and in deep thought. Suddenly, the voice of God breaks the peace. A bright light floods the courtyard, and Mary shields her eyes.)

God: MARY.

Mary: Ahhg! (She jumps, and the bowl and its contents go flying.)

God: Jeez, chill out. You�re always so goddamn uptight.

Mary: Who are you??

God: Well, if you would shut up and listen�Typical Jew, always running the mouth. (clears throat) MARY. I AM HE THAT IS CALLED MOST HIGH�

Mary: Whaaat?

God: Aw, screw it. Mary, it's God. You're going to have a baby. Don't freak out on me and kill it, okay?

Mary: What are you talking about? Why would I have a baby?

God: You're a virgin, Mary?

Mary: Yes..

God: (Stifles a snicker) Well, um�the Holy Spirit has, er, entered you, Mary�You're�the Chosen One.

Mary: I still don't get it.

God: All right�Uh, do you remember that night you were at the club�

Mary: (Realization dawns on her, and she starts to look extremely pissed.) Waaait a minute�that was YOU?!

God: Well, uh�this is really such a great thing, you don't understand�

Mary: Oh my God�.I mean�holy cow! No!! I mean�OY VEY!! I PRAY to you EVERY DAY! Who the HELL do you think you are? I wake up in this BARN, don't know where the hell I AM or why I'm there�and now you tell me I'm pregnant? Are you effing INSANE? Oh no, wait�.you know EVERYTHING, because you're effing GOD..

God: Please calm down�

Mary: HELL NO! I'll see your ass in COURT, bitch! After I find a coathanger�

God: Okay, hold on a minute. That's what I came to explain�

(Shot goes back to Gerald.)
Gerald: And so, God explained who Mary's child was and why he was important and all that other stuff that followed the story in the Bible. Obviously, Mary�s threat to press charges was a moot point for the deity. It ends rather abruptly, but remember that this is a new genre, and the writers are still learning how to reapply their skills to such different material. For the Geek Channel, this is Gerald Spaulding, and this is Fanfiction Theatre.
(Fade out.)

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Replies:

Re: Fanfiction Theatre: The Passion of the Christ -- Jim Bevan, 07:32:35 05/06/04 Thu