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Date Posted: 15:01:50 05/15/16 Sun
Author: Sue
Subject: Feeling horribly sad and reaching out to know I am not alone

I've been doing so much better the past month. I believe the meds are finally kicking in; the hopelessness and depression subsided, and I started to take charge again, after about three months of shock and another five of utter, could hardly get out of bed, depression, which was a new experience for me.(My husband left me in September.)

Spent weeks gathering financial info, made an appt with the lawyer for next week and am filling for divorce. No longer feeling scared of my husband, just very, very angry.

Then this weekend came along. The kids are with him and his boyfriend. The one he met just six weeks after leaving me (we were together 20 years!) and now lives with. Weekends alone are horrible. They ALWAYS go out on some huge adventure or shopping or the movies or out to eat, which we did sometimes when we were together, but not EVERY fricking weekend. Today they're off to a beach that's an hour drive away.

The weekends are so incredibly lonely for me. All of my friends are married and doing family things. I live in a small town, so there are no divorce groups or easy ways to meet other newly single people, other than the bar scene, which I have no interest in.

The tears started last night and I was up several hours crying and then slept in today and woke up to sit on the floor of the shower crying again. Sometimes the fact that the three children I birthed and reared as a SAHM at least 75 percent of the time are now part of an entirely new "family" that doesn't include me hurts so so much that I feel like that pain will never end.

I don't know how I will ever reach acceptance of all of this. My husband treats me like a pariah and makes no efforts at co-parenting at all. Instead he seems to be more in contest mode, trying to take over all the things I once did (school projects, buying them clothes, etc.) and leave me with nothing. If things come home from school on his days, I never hear about them. He won't talk to me about behavior issues or any issue, just ignores my texts or emails or says he'll think about it and get back to me and never does.

I've also never received any explanation of how long he knew he was gay, why he married me in the first place, etc. We had a good marriage, as far as I knew, until he unleashed this tsunami on me and ripped our family apart.

Being a mother and wife were my life and now, at 41, I am forced to start over. And the stark fact that I will only be raising my kids 50 percent of the time (this is law in my state) is a pain I feel is sometimes impossible to endure. This is where the tears come in.

I know I have to make a new life, but this is so very hard. I chose none of this and I still can't sometimes believe that the man I loved, who was so respected in our community, could be the person that he is now. He even blamed me for his leaving saying I was so hard to be married to, that everything was my fault, that our marriage was built on all the wrong things, and I was too dependent on him. These are all things he NEVER mentioned to me when we were married. Then when he started to leave, everything became my fault. It was like being gay was just a side issue or something.

I hate the profound sadness and grief. I think I am coming closer to letting go of the marriage and our friendship (which has been completely ruined, of course), but having my kids taken from me really chaps my ass and breaks my heart at the same time.

Thanks for listening to so much. I am hoping some of you have also had to share your kids half time and know how this feels and can tell me that somehow, one day, it doesn't hurt so damn bad.

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