Subject:  "Promises" (Fan Fic) |
Author:
Jess
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Date Posted: 19:12:24 01/07/03 Tue
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Author's Note: I wrote this last night under the influence of sleep deprivation, the craving to write, and immense anger toward the writer's of 24Seven. Forgive me is this scars you mentally and you lose all faith in literature.
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Jax paced back and forth under Beans’ bedroom attic for a long time, biting her fingernails and debating the decision before her. She had two choices and at the moment neither one sounded inviting. She could go to Beans and ask him straight out what happened and just conveniently leave out that she already knew. But if she did that and Beans found out she knew, the effects would be disastrous. And if she told him that she knew, well, the effects would be just about the same. She just wasn’t sure which would produce a more positive outcome in the end.
After nearly fifteen more minutes of solid, nervous pacing and the wearing down of most of her nails, Jax finally reached a decision. No matter how badly Beans was bound to react, honesty was the best policy. That was something she learned the first half of term and had tried to stick to ever since.
So she gathered her courage, reminding herself that she was a headstrong and independent girl, and boldly climbed the latter to the attic. Looking around, she saw him lying silently on his bed, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t take this as a good sign, but knew she had to go through with her plan. “Beans?”
Normally, when caught being ‘thoughtful,’ Beans would have sat up quickly and feigned just waking from a nap. When he only tilted his head to the side enough to be certain it was her, Jax’s heart sank further. “Hi,” he murmured.
“Hi,” she sat nervously beside him. “Want to talk?”
Beans shook his head solemnly. “No.”
“I think you need to. We both do, actually.”
He sighed loudly but sat up. “Fine then.”
“Ok,” she took a deep breath. “So…Beatrice says you ended it with her.”
He glanced up at her, looking a bit angry. “You went and talked to Beatrice about me? You couldn’t respect that I didn’t want to explain what happened to you?”
Jax bowed her head. “It’s much more complicated than that.”
“How?” His voice was uneasy and low.
“You see…well…I…it’s like this, Beans…Beatrice…”
”Out with it, Jax!”
“Ialreadyknew,” she mumbled really quickly.
“What?” Beans asked loudly, only catching pieces of what she had said. Jax bit her lip and shook her head. “Jax!”
“…After you and I got into that row, I went out to talk to Beatrice and she told me about…him.”
“You knew?” he stood up quickly, shouting now.
“Y-yes…”
“You knew and you didn’t tell me? You just let me find out the way I did!”
“I couldn’t tell you, Beans! She made me promise! I never break promises! And she told me she was going to tell you, but she didn’t know how. She was confused, Beans and you and I had fought. By the time we made up, it was pretty much too later and…wait…how did you find out?”
“I saw her hugging and kissing him. How do you like that?” he spat angrily.
“Don’t say that, Beans! You know I don’t like seeing you hurt!”
“How am I supposed to be sure of that? You hurt me when you came here; you acted completely ungrateful after mid-term, and now this?”
“I apologized for all of that before! And, I’m sorry now, too! Really sorry. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you…I guess keeping a promise to her was better than taking the chance that you wouldn’t believe me, that you would think I was just trying to come between the two of you.”
“Why would I jump to conclusions like that?”
“Because you just would! You wouldn’t mean to, but you would!” she was shouting now too. “But, if I had thought that it would lead to this…I’m sorry, Beans! I didn’t mean to hurt you! I was trying to be a good friend to her…it was important for me to be in her good graces!”
“Why, Jax? You’re supposed to be my best friend, my soul mate, not hers!”
“Why don’t you listen to your own words, Beans? You’re supposed to be MY best friend and MY soul mate, not her boyfriend! And when you started spending time with her, the only way for me to not be left behind was to put up with her, to make her like me! Don’t you know that I would only do that for you? God, you don’t even know how much I lo-“
“What else is there, Jax?”
“W-what?”
“What else is there? What else have you kept from me?”
“Nothing! That’s all Beatrice told me.”
“What about with everyone else? What else has happened this year that you’ve kept to yourself? Is there anything else I might need to know?”
“Well…there’s this one thing, but…I…I…don’t know.”
“How can you not know?”
“Because I don’t understand you anymore! I don’t know what to say anymore!”
“Just tell me, Jax!”
“I don’t want to!”
“What could you be afraid of? Nothing could be worse than keeping Beatrice’s lovely secret from me?”
“But, I-”
“Jax,” Beans said through clenched teeth.
“Chris and I kissed!” she shouted so quickly that Beans barely caught what she said.
“You WHAT?” his voice rose, much to her surprise, and she flinched.
“We kissed…”
“When?” he asked, shocked.
“Just after the art competition.”
“That was when you asked if I thought you were girlfriend material. You asked me that because you have a thing for Chris?” Confusion swept over her. He sounded hurt.
“It wasn’t like that. I never ‘had a thing’ for Chris.”
“Then why on earth would you kiss him?”
“Because I wanted to understand why everyone felt compelled to go off and find themselves a date! I wanted to know why, in the middle of all of this, I wasn’t a potential choice for anyone. The day after it happened, Chris confessed he thought it was a mistake, which only confirmed what I thought before.” Obvious hurt registered in her eyes. “But you made me feel, better, Beans. And that’s when I understood that we’re different! There are so few people like us that finding someone in this world will be near impossible! And that’s why it broke my heart to see you with Beatrice! She isn’t like us, Beans! No matter what feminist beliefs she shares with me or musical inclinations she shares with you, she can never be one of us, or part of us, but you wanted her to be! And that killed me, okay?”
The entire time she had been shouting, he had been staring at her, slightly open mouthed. When she finally quieted, he slowly closed his mouth. Her eyes grew wide and she fought hard to hide the tiny tremble in her lower lip. “Jax?” there was a slight stutter in his voice. “Wow. I…” Jax stared at the ground, rocking slowly back and forth on her heel. “Jax? Earlier…before I asked what else was a secret…when you were saying that you put yourself out there and became her friend for me. What were you saying when I interrupted you?”
Jax’s head shot up quickly. She stared at him for a second, shook her head, and promptly sank to floor in shock. She pulled her knees up to her chin. “I…can’t say.”
Beans’ mind was reeling. Sometime along that week long break at mid-term, a feeling and an image began playing in the back of is head. Or was it the back of his heart? It had grown stronger as time went on. And as he fought it, forcing himself to believe that he had to prove to the world-to Jax-that he could get a decent girlfriend, it grew louder. Even as he held Beatrice and played music with her, it began to scream and truly get to him.
But, now? There was a sort of soft, awkward pain growing in his heart. He knew that this night he had come to something, a sort of discovery, but until this discovery was resolved, he couldn’t truly have the inner peace he desired. Only then did he realize that Jax hadn’t been the only one bearing secrets these last couple of months. He had been keeping one from himself, which was perhaps the greatest treason of all. At that moment, the one thing he desired more than his heart to rest was for Jax to proclaim that, because they were so special, their young age meant nothing about what their hearts could do and feel and that she needed and loved him.
He needed to tell her that he felt that in his heart. He wanted her to know that he had come to a second realization-that his brief romance with Beatrice was him reaching out for someone new, someone to make him feel attractive and special, when all he had to do was see who was right beside him all along. He wanted her to see that the hurt he felt over Beatrice was probably the same pain she felt when Chris rejected her.
Kneeling next to her, he tugged her hair behind her ear and lifted her chin. “Jax, talk to me, please.” She bowed her head again. If his hand hadn’t been resting on her shoulder, he probably have wouldn’t noticed the silent sob that hit her body. “Jacqueline? I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t yelled. Please?” She slowly lifted her head. The two only called each other by their birth name’s under special circumstances. And he had spoken it so affectionately that she couldn’t resist. “Tell me?” he pleaded.
She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, unable to force the words out. She was afraid. For the first time in her life, Jax was utterly terrified. “I can’t,” she managed to choke out.
“Please try?” She shook her head. Beans sighed, but not in defeat or disappointment. “Okay. Tell me, then, Jacqueline. Were you saying that you loved me?” There was a still, awkward silence where neither dared to breathe or move. Then she nodded and stared directly at the ground, not moving. “And,” he continued anxiously, sitting down as one of his hands grasped her hand. The other still rested on her shoulder. “By ‘love’ did you mean as a best friend or perhaps and relative?’ She slowly, cautiously shook her head ‘no.’ “Then, by ‘love’ did you mean…more along the lines of…’in love’?” Another still silence fell. Many seconds passed before he spoke again. “Jax, please. Answer. Do you love me like that? Are you…in love with me?”
She sighed softly and lifted her head. He expected a nod or head shake, some sort of silent gesture, but he didn’t expect her to speak, in a trembling, wary voice. “Yes,” she sniffed and blinked to hold back tears. “Very much so, Heinz. I hadn’t realized it until it after the incident with Chris and by the time I stopped being too stubborn to deny it, it was too late.”
“It’s never too late, Jax.” He shifted positions so that his arm was securely around her and he could still hold tight to her hand. “I love you too, Jacqueline. I think we’re both just so outright daft and stubborn for our own good sometimes.”
She blinked again and a tear swiftly escaped, sliding rapidly down her cheek as she smiled a tiny, slightly insecure smile. “You’re probably right.” With her free hand, she reached up and stoked his cheek. Their eyes closed simultaneously and without another moment’s hesitation, they brought their mouths together in a soft kiss that soon grew in passion and content, as they moved their bodies closer together. Even after they parted, Beans’ eyes remained closed. He savored his first kiss with his first love and his first true girlfriend.
She grinned slyly. “You know, we’ve just broken our promise to remain only mates.”
“Some promises are worth breaking. For us, that one was. But there’ll be more that will be kept. I promise.”
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P.S. R.I.P. Haldir! :(
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