first ish i've ever posted, not shure if i wrote the flow right -- The Lounge Of Lyricism 2003

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Date Posted: 11:21:53 02/21/03 Fri
Author: dip
Author Host/IP: cd-149-225.ra30.dc.capu.net / 64.50.149.225
Subject: first ish i've ever posted, not shure if i wrote the flow right

some how some way
i'ma finaly get paid/
if i have tap inside my mind
and find a rhyme to relay/
or have to trap up on the grind
get cheap p's from raleigh/
or start hittin them books
and putin down that blaze/
i'ma make cake
never take brakes/
make it out of this phase
of my life/
like a maze
feelin lost/
it never seices to amaze me
the cost that i pay
to get hay-ze/
but hey i'm lazy
this shit is crazy/
have me spacin
and chasin empty dreams/
promices of fortune and fame
and cream/
all seem so close now
but then all hope is tost out/
it came and went
always layin blame/
on all but the cause
so now i take this pause/
to reflect
disect the need for applause/
somehow that clause,
was never mentioned in the contaract/
time for a, reapraisal of the situation
time to combat/
the lack of patience
and the greed for dedication/
came this far on my own
so i'm at home waitin/
facination for makin money
led to a specilization/
of a whole life wastin
away with no elation/
ain't no joy
a decoy,
a small abreviation/
of the greatness
that could be accomplished/
if the hesitation
turned somthing more productive /
instead i'm tryin
to duck these slugs
and bust the fifth/
i must reach inside
and find the gift/
within my self
leave all this filth behind/
not dwell on it
still got my health/
for now,
but it too is slowly fading/
lossing the last remaining
piece/
and when that's gone
i might have wealth/
but so what
if my ass deceased,
or deseased/
either way
it won't be easy to say/
that it was an even trade/
but for now,....
i gotta make that cake.

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Replies:

Not feeling this yo (NT) -- Maximus, 14:24:12 02/21/03 Fri
Try stretching your bars' length...instead of having "lines" with just four of five words in them...<<<<..That shit's annoying!!!....Other than that, try concentrating on bringing originality to the table...Try trisyllabic....nah, you're not ready for that yet....Try "creating" different rhyme schemes, different rhyme patterns, add wordplay, word usage, word PLACEMENT....etc....Then you'll see improvement....Keep up and stay up... (NT) -- h � k �/|_ A \/�...., 15:45:20 02/21/03 Fri
this was real weak... sorry (NT) -- the dark spitter, 16:56:05 02/21/03 Fri

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