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| [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, [5], 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ] |
| Subject: WHEN CARDBOARD MEN COME IN HANDY | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:20:54 04/03/08 Thu A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The Blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully Steps out of The car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds Them And stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats Exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle Yelling, "What's going on here?" "My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard Pictures doing here by the road?" he asks. "Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my Emergency flashers!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: old snake~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:43:41 04/02/08 Wed An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says, "Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can't see well these days". The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he's very depressed. The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: hillbillies | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:51:19 03/30/08 Sun After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: two old men..... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:44:55 03/30/08 Sun TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER. HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Dancing Walrus~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:15:51 03/29/08 Sat Check out this walrus dancing to "Smooth Criminal" he's too funny! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDg7kWgs5e0 [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  There is a difference! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:20:41 03/27/08 Thu WOMAN'S LOVE POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind? I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. MAN'S LOVE POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. Amen and pass me a beer! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Why Mothers Drink | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:35:21 03/26/08 Wed Why mother's drink! A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son Jon P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Irish Daughter | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:02:46 03/24/08 Mon An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...' 'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' 'Oh! my lord! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: IRS - from Sally the cable Chick | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:28:57 03/22/08 Sat A woman walks into an H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken back and says, " No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, " OK, I'm a hooker” " No, that still won't work. Try again. “OK what about a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, " I'm an elite chicken farmer". "The accountant asks, " What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" " Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year. " "Chicken Farmer it is!!!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Making it work! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:00:06 03/20/08 Thu How a marriage works all men should read this. A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies . So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Dri nk your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?' ........and, they lived happily ever after. Now, isn't that a sweet story? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Kids say the most precious things...~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:23:02 03/19/08 Wed The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined! One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more Than Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays: *In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, Darkness, and some gas. *The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I Think He must be a lot older than that. *Anyway, God said, 'Give me a Light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.? He split the Adam and Made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. *Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. *Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. *Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. *One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. *Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. *After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. *Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. *God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance,or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. *One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 Porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. *After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. *After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') *During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. *Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. *Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies: |
| Subject: WHITE PAGEANT SHOES SZ 3M; CROWNING/EASTER DRESS SZ 12; EBAY SELLER 1234nell. $0.99 auction!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 03:57:20 03/15/08 Sat [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Don't mess with a woman! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:36:15 03/11/08 Tue A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.' The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.' Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently.. Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues. 85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!' The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?' The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. 'No, I've got everything I need,' she says. 'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?' Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.' Moral of the Story : Women are crazy!!!! Don't mess with them!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Virgil and Floyd - these are some of my kinfolk! lol ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:55:33 03/03/08 Mon Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun):-) [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: DIVORCE VS. MURDER ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:51:14 03/03/08 Mon A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Waxing...this is long but I was crying when I finished reading...ENJOY~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:41:19 03/02/08 Sun All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now..I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty ongratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  An Oldie But A Goodie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:09:31 03/02/08 Sun Blonde Horseback Riding Time! A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: A Fairy Story ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:30:17 02/28/08 Thu A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry, my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!... the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  Gross but FUNNY! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:17:59 02/27/08 Wed This one is for everyone who... a) has kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids. I guess that means all of us!! DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Why did God make mothers? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:25:57 02/23/08 Sat Why God made Moms: BRILLIANT answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!! Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. We're related 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lo t more to do than dad. What's the difference between Moms and Dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it wa s my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Spread the word!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 02:28:04 02/23/08 Sat New Holiday for men! Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory..this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it! This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies: |
| Subject: Ed is missing | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:47:17 02/22/08 Fri Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!' The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Hunting | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:05:39 02/20/08 Wed A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband standing around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Living Will for Sally the Cable Chick | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:15:22 02/19/08 Tue Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  Take the quiz to see which Beauty Queen YOU are most like! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:12:44 02/16/08 Sat http://www.mtv.com/games/arcade/game/play.jhtml?arcadeGameId=10111793 OK~ If you ever watched "Pageant Place" or know anything about Trumps gals- this is the quiz for you. I took it and was most like Tara Conner! OHH NO! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  The $100 Tattoo | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:47:29 02/16/08 Sat Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates!" he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering in room 232 at Mercy Hospital. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: FINALLY, A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY EVERYONE AND IT'S POLITICALLY CORRECT!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:45:26 02/16/08 Sat While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. Wha t we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  PM: NPR | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:52:41 02/15/08 Fri Ok ladies we are getting a Great Dane. He is a BOY...name help please his color is merle. THNX [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:45:44 02/14/08 Thu There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest, where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by, and no one dared call him Onestone, that is until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?????........................... OH, come on ... take a guess! Think about it. (You're going to love this!) The moral is .................. You can't kill two birds with one stone!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Parent's wish~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:44:18 02/11/08 Mon This video is truly moving and makes you stop and think about who is important in our lives. Click here: PARENT'S WISH [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: SOME FUNNIES I FOUND...ENJOY! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:17:01 02/07/08 Thu WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: "Things My Mom Taught Me" | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 03:45:23 02/06/08 Wed "Things My Mom Taught Me" My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!" My Mom taught me about INDIVIDUALISM. "I bet if all your friends jumped off a bridge, you would too! My Mom taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet." My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My Mom taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." My Mom taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" My Mom taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about!" My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My Mom taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" My Mom taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished." My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS. "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My Mom taught me about WEATHER. "It looks like a tornado swept through your room!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies: |
| Subject: The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:18:45 02/05/08 Tue The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Motorcycle cop~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:41:17 02/05/08 Tue A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him afterwards that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his 'private' area. Worried that it might mean a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough, so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon... from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Jesus is watching~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:11:02 02/04/08 Mon A burglar broke into a house late one night. As he was sneaking around in the dark he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He froze. After a few minutes of nothing happening, he continued through the house. Again the voice said, "Jesus is watching you." Again nothing happened. So the burglar turned on his flashlight and found a parrot. The burglar asked, "Are you Jesus?" The parrot said, "No, I'm Moses." The burglar replied, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name a rottweiler "Jesus"". [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: 3 yr. old tells all~tiggerrrt (don't know who is telling story just thought it was funny) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:46:37 02/02/08 Sat Okay, I will tell you ONE of the stories my mother used to tell about me when I was just a toddler. (I am the youngest of a large family and was almost like a grandchild to my own parents!) One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 1/2 and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Hi All - it's been a while - Enjoy this. I Peed laughing *Mommie Dearest* | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:54:43 02/01/08 Fri [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  Measuring Success | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:01:40 01/31/08 Thu Measuring Success At age 4 success is . . . . not messing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 success is . . . having sex. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . having sex. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 90 success is . . . not messing in your pants. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: HE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2007: | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:08:11 01/31/08 Thu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, really? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Now that's taking things a bit far! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over What a guy! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Miners Refuse to Work after Death No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant See if that works any better than a fair trial! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile Ya think?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide They may be on to something! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge He probably IS the battery charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Weren't they fat enough?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft That's what he gets for eating those beans! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Do they taste like chicken? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Boy, are they tall! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And the winner is.... Ta Da... 'Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead' Did I read that right? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Cafe mom~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:53:11 01/29/08 Tue I have found an interesting place to go and hang out while on the computer....cafe mom. check it out www.cafemom.com I found it while on myspace and it is set up very much like myspace but its for mom's. I'm tiggerrrt (I keep same name otherwise I get confused) stop by and say hi. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: blondes~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:56:01 01/29/08 Tue A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?" "My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks. "Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: I love old people~ Hell.. I am almost one of them myself! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:51:08 01/29/08 Tue Old People - Very Touching ..... This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Safety Harbor Middle School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Edna [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Tit for Tat | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:38:41 01/28/08 Mon A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Public Service Announcement from Sally the Cable Chick | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 04:32:13 01/28/08 Mon READ CAREFULLY! I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this is how I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!! Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built cowboy type guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed. It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!! I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:44:00 01/27/08 Sun DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra... #@&&^(C%... reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I'm Not Drunk | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:26:42 01/25/08 Fri I'm Not Drunk!!! I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you shilly sit! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Cute one! ~Zebrachick | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:19:32 01/25/08 Fri The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." then turned to Mary and continued "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind; two, you didn't read your homework; and three, One day you are going to be very, very disappointed". [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Sometimes you just gotta' LAUGH! - *Putting Your Affairs In Order* ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:19:18 01/23/08 Wed A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone." That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order". [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Hey girls | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:23:59 01/15/08 Tue I recently got interested in a new game ... Its awesome.... gives me something to in between looking for new pageant clothes lol ... Thought you all mind find it fun as well ... here is the link .. http://www.motorcycle-mayhem.com/register.php?REF=6 [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: New Study ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:19:37 01/15/08 Tue I actually took part in this study. So pay attention my LL friends! I just refuse to tell you if I am in the 5%,10% or remaining 85% !! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting: 1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: vaseline~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:11:43 01/14/08 Mon A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out." (AND YOU THOUGHT WHAT? ) [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  This 42yr old woman suddenly LOVES Andy Rooney :) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:59:59 01/12/08 Sat In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks> > about women over 40:> >> 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS) As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! Andy Rooney is a really smart guy! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: From Sally the Cable Chick | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:11:24 01/09/08 Wed Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning; and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It’s so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job 6 years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. And since our daughter went away to college, he doesn’t even pretend to like me. What should I do? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump this bum! Good grief, woman; you don’t need him anymore. You’re a senator from New York and a candidate for president of the United States. Act like it! Signed, Abby [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Hello ladies (and Mr. Man) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:00:58 01/09/08 Wed I have missed you all! So sorry to have been gone for so long, but I am sure you all uderstand what it is like to have a baby in the house. My dd is now almost 11 months old and while things are still busy and crazy, I need my laughter fix! Plus I just miss the sense of community here as opposed to the sense of "step on whoever you can to move up" mentality on the bash boards. So I promise to be a more faithful Laughing Ladies member! Happy New year to all! ~Zebrachick [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Just tryin' to be helpful! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:51:07 01/09/08 Wed We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below: GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." Medically speaking, there is no difference. Both result in death. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Question Time | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:13:55 01/08/08 Tue Hillary Clinton was spending the morning at a primary school in Ithaca, New York, to talk to the children about her job as a US Senator. After her talk, she offered question time. One little boy put up his hand, and the Senator asked him his name. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - Whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - Whatever happened to all the stuff you and President Clinton took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rang for recess. Hillary Clinton informed the kids that they would continue after recess. When they resumed, Hillary said, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy raised his hand; the esteemed Senator from New York pointed him out and asked him his name. "Larry." "And what is your question?" I have five questions: First - "Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?" Second - "Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?" Third - "Whatever happened to all the stuff you and President Clinton took when you left the White House?" Fourth - "Why did the recess bell go off 40 minutes early?" And Fifth - "What happened to Kenneth? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: And the truth is.......... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 03:35:35 01/08/08 Tue   Free Comments & Graphics [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: HHeelllloo !!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:23:47 01/08/08 Tue  Free Comments & Graphics [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Happy V-day | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:16:01 01/08/08 Tue  Free Comments & Graphics [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008 | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:56:47 01/07/08 Mon Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00? Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought For 2008: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: http://users.telenet.be/leukelinks/flash/queen.htm | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:03:53 01/05/08 Sat ENJOY! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Four Husbands... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:48:33 01/03/08 Thu An 80-year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked, "Would you mind telling me a little about your first three husbands and what they did for a living?" She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. "I first married a banker when I was in my early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in my 40's, later on a preacher when in my 60's, and now, in my 80's, a funeral director." The interviewer looked at her quite astonished and asked, "Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?" With a smile on her face and a gleam in her eye, she paused a few moments and then answered, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Please pray for one of our pageant families. | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:14:57 12/31/07 Mon Candice Boldt and Jessica Alreds mother was in a severe car accident yesterday while on her way to work. She is in critical condition. A web site has been created for the family and we are accepting donations from vendors for a benefit photo contest. Please visit www.compassionatecrowns.com/brown.htm for more information. Sign the guestbooks and send out your prayers to this family in during this tragic time. If you have any questions please email me at Director@compassionatecrowns.com Miss Joyce [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  My Wish for You in 2008 ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:02:31 12/28/07 Fri May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May any problems you have forget your home address! In simple words ........... May 2008 be the best year of your life!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Check this out! Only in Texas! ~Sally~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:13:57 12/24/07 Mon http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=67160&fr=yvmtf [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: LOLOL!This is what happens when you push your pageant child too far....... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:02:33 12/22/07 Sat http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OB6bz08HAA&feature=related Make sure you watch it through the end! LOLOLOL! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: let’s do Weeweechu... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:51:03 12/22/07 Sat One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.' Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita. Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged. 'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita. Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.' Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.' Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... 'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.' MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Not a funny, but this is for animal lovers!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:10:16 12/21/07 Fri Hi, all you animal lovers. This is pretty simple. Please tell ten (or more) friends to tell ten today! The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on 'feed an animal in need' for free. It's in a purple box in the middle of the page. This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Go Cowboys! ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:34:51 12/20/07 Thu Brett Favre, after living a full life, died. When he got to Heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Green Bay Packers’ flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity, Brett,” said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.” Brett felt very special indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house across the street. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and silver sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Dallas Cowboys’ flag, and in every window a Cowboys’ silver star. Brett looked at God and said, “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame. God said, “So, what do you want to know, Brett?” “Well, why does Tony Romo get a better house than me?” God chuckled and said, “Brett, that’s not Tony Romo’s house; it’s mine!” [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Help with a recipe.... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:01:12 12/19/07 Wed Moms, A few years ago my mom gave me a snowman jello mold and had written down a recipe in an old cookbook that made the snowman white when it settled. I think it used ice cream or sherbet but I cannot remember exactly what all went into it. Unfortunately we cannot find the recipe as we have moved and who knows where the cook book ended up. I checked jello.com and no luck. ANY help is appreciated! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: New Theory on Santa Clause | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:05:56 12/18/07 Tue I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Monkey bread for Christmas | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:15:45 12/18/07 Tue Could the person who has the monkey bread recipe please post it again? I want to use it for Christmas. Thanks!! QueenBea [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Go ELF yourself~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:01:57 12/18/07 Tue This site is too much fun. I've posted my families elfing but you can follow the link to do your own family.... http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1483124135 [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I think Santa Claus is a woman.... chynuuk | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:32:54 12/18/07 Tue I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: How the Angel on top of the Christmas tree became a tradition - chynuuk | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:53:59 12/17/07 Mon One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Too much negativity...this is sweeter, have tissues ready~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:54:21 12/17/07 Mon This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a kind soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service. Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words: Dear God, Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her. Love, Meredith. We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note: Dear Meredith, Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by. Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am wherever there is love. Love, God [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Warning~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 02:20:35 12/17/07 Mon Google has implemented a new feature which enables you to type a telephone number into the search bar and hit enter, and you will be given the person's name and address. If you then hit map, you will get a map to the person's house. Everyone should be aware of this! It's a nationwide reverse number telephone book. If a child gives out his/her phone number, someone can now look it up to find out where he/she lives. The safety issues are obvious and alarming. Note that you can have your phone number removed or blocked. I tried my number and it came up along with the map and directions straight to our house. I did fill out the removal form for myself, and encourage all of you to do the same. In order to test whether your phone number is mapped, go to Google (www.google.com), type your phone number in the search bar (e.g. 555-555-1212) and press enter. If you want to BLOCK Google from divulging your private information, simply click on your telephone number and then click on the Removal Form. Removal takes 48-hours. Please share this information with friends and family. I suggest we all block our names, especially if you have young children or grandchildren. TRY IT - YOU WILL SEE IT WORKS! IF NOT YOUR NUMBER, TRY SOMEONE YOU KNOW [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Have to listen~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:31:33 12/17/07 Mon Click on link to hear this guy describe this accident, its too funny, it is fairly clean so you don't need to worry about kids overhearing. http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Public service announcement~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:21:51 12/11/07 Tue To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of poop. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Funny Halloween Costume | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:53:15 12/10/07 Mon http://www.petoffice.co.jp/catprin/english/#top LOL . Poor Kitties. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: hiccccc up - - happy holidays - - - -chynuuk | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:30:42 12/09/07 Sun Drinking Around The Christmas Tree (to the tune "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree") Drinking around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party rush, Faces are hung o'er the balcony, everybody is a lush. Drinking around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas drunkards through, Later we'll do some vomiting, and our arms will hug the loo. You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste Vodka through your nose, oh golly, Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way, Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way. (drunken sax solo.) You will get an upset stomach feeling when you taste Vodka through your nose, oh golly, Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Drinking around the Christmas tree, your hangover's on its way, Everybody's wearing ice pack hats in the new old-fashioned way. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: To those UNDER Thirty! From someone OVER FORTY! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:48:07 12/09/07 Sun The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd *********************************************************** If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious!!!! If not, send it to your parents! They'll think it's funny! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dang Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! 1. When I was a kid, we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the dang library and look it up ourselves... in the card catalog!! (Do you even know what a card catalog is? Didn't think so!) Remember encyclopedias? 2. There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take up to a week to get there! 3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the dang record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! 4. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! (Remember when people used to let the phone ring 10 times before hanging up? These days if you don't RUN to the phone, the caller hangs up right after the 4th ring). 5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! (At least caller ID has decreased the number of prank calls! BUT there seems to be more telephone solicitors who call throughout the day). 6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! with games like "Space Invaders", "asteroids" and "pong" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! 7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed! 8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons! 9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing or a pan with HOT oil and real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot. 10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do..... hang up and talk to them later. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: The Window Washer.. ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:27:00 12/08/07 Sat Now Ladies I KNOW you all been busy and just don't have time to leave a little message in here... SOOOO I figure U all just need a little pick me up to get you all to write your witty comments again... With that said let me introduce to you the Window Washer... btw... I think he will give Mr. Paino Man a run for his money... lol... Have a great day [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  LAUGH! You know you wanna' ! ~ Sugar Cookie (Warning! This is sexual in content! But funny as all get out!) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:04:58 12/08/07 Sat OJ SIMPSON ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart- attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.' OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. 'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long. ' The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ. The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread- eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, a nd finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.' The devil smiled and said . . "OK, Monica your free to go now!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: DEAR GOD!! HOW I HAVE MISS YOU ALL!!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:57:21 12/07/07 Fri My hard-drive crashed and I haven't been able to get to this board for the last 4 months. Being able to read this board and get a hearty laugh is like getting an unexpected Christmas card. I've been away so long, I don't even remember what my name use to be. I'm so glad to be back. Thank You Laughing Ladies [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups Of Coffee | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:22:35 12/07/07 Fri When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 Hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table And poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family, children, health, friends, and Favorite passions -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. So... Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play With your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked ". It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: HEALTH ALERT | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:52:44 12/07/07 Fri HEALTH ALERT -- DANGEROUS NEW VIRUS There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Prof | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:50:47 12/07/07 Fri A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Divorce vs. Murder | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:07:20 12/06/07 Thu A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I will lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband at a fancy restaurant, having dinner with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Mothers know | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:01:01 12/05/07 Wed Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the > > meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's > > roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a > > relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her > > more curious. > > > > Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she > > started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than > > met the eye. > > > > Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you > > must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' > > > > About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your > > mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver > > gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, > > 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be > > sure. So he sat down and wrote: > > > > Dear Mom: > > I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm > > not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact > > remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. > > > > Love, Brian > > > > Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that > > read: > > > > Dear Son: > > I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that > > you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if > > Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy > > ladle by now. > > > > Love, Mom > > > > LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOM....They Know! > [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Marriage | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:59:45 12/05/07 Wed A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of is coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" the husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked solemnly. The wife touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too," she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: can i walk the dog? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:57:58 12/05/07 Wed >A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around >the block?" > >Mom replies,"No, because she is in heat." > >"What's that mean?" asked the child. > >"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." > >The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I >take LulaBelle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said >the dog was in heat, and to come to you." > >The Dad says, "Bring LulaBelle over here." He took a >rag, soaked it with >gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, >and said "OK, you can go now, but keep LulaBelle on the leash and only >go one time around the block." > >The little girl left and returned a few minutes later >with no dog o n the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's LulaBelle?" > > >(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!) > > >The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway >down the block, so >another dog is pushing her home." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: A HUSBAND FUNNY | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:21:41 12/04/07 Tue One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .' And they say blondes are dumb... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?????? ...........................................................................to see if he could find Pooh | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:29:45 11/30/07 Fri [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:25:07 11/20/07 Tue #10 Life is sexually transmitted. #9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. #8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. #7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. #6 Some people are like a slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. #5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing. #4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents??? #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where MILLIONS of Illegal immigrants and THOUSANDS of Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Help~lil' lady | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:27:39 11/19/07 Mon Does anyone have any tips to help me stop biting/chewing my fingernails? I tried hard/acrylic wraps, keeping my hands busy while being bored watching TV, and mittens, but nothing has worked. I do pretty well for a few days but then I start doing it again and I have no clue why. I'm not nervous or anxious or stressed about anything and I've tried to stop this bad habit for years. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies: |
| Subject: North vs. South....in my defense I am a transplanted Yankee, but living in VA so some of both apply to me~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:36:17 11/16/07 Fri The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General. The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses. The North has dating services, the South has family reunions. The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails. The North has double last names; the South has double first names. The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races. North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits. The North has green salads, the South has collard greens. The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish. The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt. FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Do not buy food at this store. Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all Y'all" is plural, and "all Y'all's" is plural possessive Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.! Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, Y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. (tig here, this is very TRUE of the Eastern shore, one snow flake and EVERYONE is at the store) Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Test Anxiety~Lil' Lady | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:54:52 11/15/07 Thu Does anyone have any tips for test anxiety. Last time I took a test I got anxious and nervous and felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest and started panicking and had trouble breathing. I tried stopping and breathing slow for bit but it didn't work. I was very prepared and ended up with a 106 on the test, but it still happened. I get like this on all tests except for math. I performed below my standards on the SAT because of this. It's starting to affect me in college now. If ya'll have any tips, I'd appreciate it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: nurder~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:07:49 11/14/07 Wed A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Merry Christmas | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 02:03:46 11/14/07 Wed A Christmas Poem 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split. He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch! The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: funnies | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:47:40 11/12/07 Mon Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "Its Alvin, the midget." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Sex, Church & Pancakes | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:10:23 11/10/07 Sat Sex, Church & Pancakes Teen age sex The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' Church A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?' Pancakes Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Did anyone catch the CMA's? If you didn't you gotta see this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1XdZtYG1ms It is the perfomance by Kellie Pickler and it was so touching. I don't usually listen to country and I was just watching it because there was nothing else on and I was so moved. I googled her biography and it is so sad. Her mom abandoned her when she was just a baby...so sad. Anyway, I thought you all might want to watch a very touching clip. Happy Thanksgiving to my friends. | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:11:28 11/09/07 Fri [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Fun facts from Infection Control ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:21:30 11/08/07 Thu During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.) An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs. In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept! Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands. In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket. At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore f rom one of the guests. Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases. HAVE A GREAT DAY... and wash your damn hands! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: UCLA STUDY | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:40:23 11/07/07 Wed "UCLA Study" A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire. No further studies are expected. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Holy Water | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:38:58 11/07/07 Wed Holy Water A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all Perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with A male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one With the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and Pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever Had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and Stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass Through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches The front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I Want to do it before Jessica sticks her hiney in it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26MrRk9uer4 | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:12:04 11/06/07 Tue sure to melt the heart and bring on a smile of even the meanest pageant mom! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: You have got to watch this little girl! SO CUTE! Enjoy-Ursula...... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:46:00 11/06/07 Tue http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_utET7TCMQ [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Ugly kids in pageants or what?????? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:56:21 11/05/07 Mon Old cheese crack here again.......Just wanted to share the fact that I sat down tonight a lookin' at the boards and I was shocked to see that there are some right ugly critters partaking in pageants these days. Actually, most all of um' was homely! How does it work, homely kids enter pageants and they are judged to see who is the LEAST homely of the lot? The few I seen that looked half way decent ya really couldn't get a good gandering on um' because thier faces was caked with so much makeup they looked like they was getting ready for Hallieween! Maybe these poor girls need to spend less time washing the cheese crack and more time washing the face! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies: |
| Subject: LOL | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:44:59 11/04/07 Sun A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric choo choo train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.” The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.” Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.” As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.” [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Toddler T-Shirt Slogans - - chynuuk | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:43:45 11/04/07 Sun Acceptable Slogans Ask me about the C-section. More of a tit man, thanks. Still pissed about missing the millennium. I buried my heart at Legoland. Waiting for Godot. Don't let Tony Danza touch me. Stop the war. Already. Stunt double for Katie Holmes's baby. Unacceptable Slogans Property of Child and Family Services Glad those stairs were carpeted. Slap me if you love Jesus. Not quite getting this whole "MILF" phenomenon. I beheld then because of the voice of the great words which the horn spake: I beheld even till the beast was slain, and his body destroyed, and given to the burning flame. Daddy didn't want me. Ask me about the extra digit. Grandma won't shut up. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  A lot of non-living objects are male or female. | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:42:10 11/04/07 Sun You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Pregnancy Q & A & more! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:41:31 11/04/07 Sun Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes university. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in university. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I'm sure we have all been in this situation.~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:40:49 11/04/07 Sun A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall. By Shannon Popkin My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in The library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And You never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There're been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the Restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: "Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?" At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued, "Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy! I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Tryng to divert him, I said, "Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have Some!" "No, I'm trying to see doze stinkies. Oh! Mommy!" He started to gag at this point. "Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy,doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!" As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone. "Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!" He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. "Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under DA door? What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?" More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation. "Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy." He started pounding on the door. "Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!" I saw that my wait 'em out" plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened The door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete emabarassment, then I thought, "Where's the fine print on the motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?" But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow. Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids , Michigan (where she no longer uses public restrooms) [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: funny one liners~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:39:32 11/04/07 Sun 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and S*#thead's 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said: Thyroid problem?" 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. 6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea." 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"? 10. I don't approve of political jokes.I've seen too many of them get elected. 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys. 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect. 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains." 18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning. 19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? 24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. 25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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