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Subject:  Good Jokes (shared from my daughter!) ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:45:26 03/25/09 Wed Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' --------------------------------------------------------- A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' --------------------------------------------------------- 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself..' --------------------------------------------------------- A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' ----------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you..' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. ---------------------------------------------------------- A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' ----------------------------------------------------------- Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell....' ---------------------------------------------------------- A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' ------------------------------------------------------------ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. .................................................................................. The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: WHY GOD MADE MOMS | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:28:37 03/23/09 Mon Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. What ingredients are mothers made of ? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom? 1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2.. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your Mom marry your Dad? 1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My Grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad. What's the difference between Moms & Dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. What does your Mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't have spare time. 2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Sex in the Dark......... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:42:44 03/16/09 Mon There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the ey es and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy... . You explain the kids [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Grease Babies... ~ Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:40:44 03/16/09 Mon For those who really enjoy the movie GREASE.. Here is it's rendition "GREASE BABIES"... http://members.shaw.ca/anabw//grease.htm [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  Teachers & Cops ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:24:20 03/14/09 Sat These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!) 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this student to breed. 3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 5. You r son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 7. This child has been working with glue too much. 8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.. 12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead. These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country: 16- 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.' 15- 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.' 14- 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.' 13- 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.' 12- 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.' 11- 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?' 10- 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don' t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?' 9- 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. ' 8- 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?' 7- 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop..' 6- 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.' 5- 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.' 4- 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?' 3- 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.' 2- 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..' AND THE WINNER IS.... 1- 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  I can get away with this, I am a blonde! (Thanks to my hair dresser!) ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:39:22 03/12/09 Thu A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! ....... bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited ..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ....... box said " 2-4 years !! " April Trapped on escalator for hours - power went out !!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid ..... wrong instructions ... .8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets !!! June Tried to go water skiing ....... couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition ....... learned later - the other swimmers cheated -they used their arms !!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm ..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is "C"..... isn't it ??? October Hate M & M's ...... they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !! December Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone !!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  Tell it like it is! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:39:48 03/10/09 Tue Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy *again*, remarried,.... And this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" Margaret replied:.... "I think he means her *legs*, Ethel...." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: KIDS.. Got To Love Them... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:42:44 02/26/09 Thu If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers : Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.' A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be ei ght. Kids Are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________ ________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. _________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. ________________________________ ______ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Defense… ~Mr. Man~ž | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:16:58 02/25/09 Wed Defense Attorney : Will u please state your age Old Lady : I am 86yrs old Defense Attorney : Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on the night of April the 1st . Old Lady : There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney : Did you know him? Old Lady : No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney : What happened after he sat down? Old Lady : He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney : Did you stop him? Old Lady : No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney : Why not? Old Lady : It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney : What happened next? Old Lady : He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney : Did you stop him then? Old Lady : No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney : Why not? Old Lady : His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney : What happened next? Old Lady : Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney : Did he take you? Old Lady : Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  Clean can be funny. ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:31:07 02/23/09 Mon One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. ***************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' ******************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ************************************* A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' ****************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.' ******************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ******************************************************** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  Elderly Couple Decides to get Married.... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:09:59 02/21/09 Sat George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along the way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" asked George. The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?" George: "Do you sell heart medications?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." George: "How about support hose for circulation?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis, and arthritis?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?" Pharmacist: "Yes sir." George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?" Pharmacist: "Yes." George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation-H and ExLax?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. May I ask...why all these questions?" George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married, and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Doctor's Advice That I 100% Agree With.. ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:42:50 02/17/09 Tue Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The black bra ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:50:29 02/17/09 Tue I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went... My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  George Carlins NEW RULES for life! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:20:02 02/11/09 Wed New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine.. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Got Time To Kill.. Here are a couple of games and video's that could perk your interest... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:04:18 02/04/09 Wed You will need to copy and paste the link of each subject to view them. The Mom Song *This is great BUT they need a "The Dad Song" too http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=ESe-AysF9mw How Many Apple Can You Catch http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g2/applegame.htm It's gotten down to this...enjoy! Redneck Play Station Get 'em while you can! http://majman.net/fly_loader.html Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? This could drive you nuts..... You are going to hate yourself over this. It scores automatically, too. Take this advice ... Be sure and think before you answer. http://www.mikescomputerinfo.com/inteltest.htm Watch this video if it hasn't already been sent to you and then have your children watch it! Just click on the link. It sends a powerful message. http://www.maniacworld.com/are-you-going-to-finish-strong.html [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: THERES A NAME FOR WHAT I HAVE!!! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:51:51 02/04/09 Wed KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ! Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.. I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first.. But then I think, Since I'm going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, But first I need to push the Pepsi aside So that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter Catches my eye -- they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, But first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The car isn't washed The bills aren't paid There is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter The flowers don't have enough water, There is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, And I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, And I'll try to get some help for it, But first I'll check my e-mail.... Do me a favor. Send this message to everyone you know, Because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: How true it is!!!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:03:24 01/26/09 Mon King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer he must, on his honor, return to the neighboring kingdom to forfeit his life. The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young Arthur it seemed impossible. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch she would, henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? Scroll down The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly HOW TRUE IT IS… I recommend you show this to any and all men so they learn how to truly treat and respect a woman [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Never gets old! ~Zebrachick | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 03:08:42 01/25/09 Sun http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1371/pianoman/ [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  WHY? ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:06:11 01/13/09 Tue Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And my FAVORITE......The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Banned from walmart | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:06:25 01/12/09 Mon This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart: Dear Mrs. Chapman, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras. 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.' 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 9: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 14: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least .. 15. October 16: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Should children witness childbirth? Good question. ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:37:48 12/31/08 Wed Here's your answer. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack him again!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The future of the LL! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:57:29 12/26/08 Fri Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady,holding up a $10 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Christmas Pageant | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:44:25 12/14/08 Sun THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide. God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, He blessed us with yet another son. The year after that we were blessed with a daughter. My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it As a minister once told me, "If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella." I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs. I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him. I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks. I tried to be understanding... when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs. When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess. In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children. While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother - I didn't even come close... I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God. I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too. Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife." My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine. My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes." My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes." A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing. I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived. My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur." The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation. "I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes "For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur." "My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The South | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:42:59 12/14/08 Sun TENNESSEE . . . The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee , and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings." ALABAMA . . . A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" TEXAS . . . The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?" "Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'." LOUISIANA . . . A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. MISSISSIPPI . . . The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number." GEORGIA . . . A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?" The driver replied: "Bout whut?" NORTH CAROLINA . . . A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied: "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither." AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA ... 'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North, [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  Body Facts ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:08:10 12/07/08 Sun It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Granny would like a pair of dem' slippers! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 03:57:23 12/05/08 Fri Well ole Granny here sho' would like a pair of dem' fancy slippers that Mr. Pageant Man is a offering down below. (So glad he included a pitcha of them gorgeous things!) I was thinkin maybe he could add a few rhinestones to mine fo' me and they would sho' be eyecatching to wear when my little Bobby Jo goes to do dem' fancy pageants! Heck, I could even get me a matching headband and all dem' pageant mommas would be so jealous of ole Granny they would most likely be pea green with envy! And heck, if'n one of dem' ole flea bitten mutts those pageants moms is always a draggin' to pageants was to happen to pee on de flo I could just scrub my fancy, rhinestoned, aborbent slipper across the puddle and soak it right up! Mr. Pageant Man, you better put a patent on dem' things sho' enough! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Okay, my 3 year old told me this. Hokey but cute. | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:05:19 12/03/08 Wed How do ducks learn to fly? They just wing it! Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide! And did anyone ever hear some of the silly limericks from your parents? Here's a funny one: Mary had a little lamb She fed it castor oil And every time it jumped the fence It fertilized the soil. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: O-Mazing Singer! This you gotta' hear! <rofl> ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:25:09 12/02/08 Tue http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lHHQu4CIos [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Christmas Presents To All My LL Friends... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:02:02 12/01/08 Mon Hello- Somewhat embarrassing to admit, with the current economic climate, Christmas will be tight this year. I will be making slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below. How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc. These slippers are: * Soft and Hygienic * Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh * No more bending over to mop up spills * Disposable and biodegradable * Environmentally safe * Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags. I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see what's coming your way....  I'll be waiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Anyone going to Pageant in Richmond Dec 14 | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:12:56 11/27/08 Thu Anyone going to Richmond/Dec 14 pageant? I'd like to meet some other mommies! I cant find a web link but I think the email is ksimmons@vance.net - thats where I got my paperwork. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Mid Life, Aint It Grand? ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:53:00 11/26/08 Wed I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, 'Listen, honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too.' Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones. Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think, 'For this I have stretch marks?' In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water. Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin. Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the 'big' questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Check this out. NOT A JOKE! ~Sugar Cookie )If anyone knows this to be truthful- SHARE!) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:40:10 11/26/08 Wed http://money.aol.com/special/retail-stores-closing-doors Snopes neither confirms nor denies… WARNING....list of major retailers going belly up & semi belly up after Christmas. Don't buy gift cards!!! Some of these stores we already know about.... I wanted to give everyone a heads up that if you tend to give gift cards around the holidays, you need to be careful that the cards will be honored after the holidays. Stores that are planning to close after Christmas are still selling the cards through the holidays even though the cards will be worthless January 1. There is no law preventing them from doing this. On the contrary, it is referred to as 'Bankruptcy Planning). Below is a partial list of stores that you need to be cautious about. Circuit City - (filed Chapter 11) Ann Taylor - 117 stores nationwide closing Lane Bryant, Fashion Bug ,and Catherine's - to close 150 stores nationwide Eddie Bauer - to close stores 27 stores and more after January Cache - will close all stores Talbots - closing down specialty stores J. Jill - closing all stores (owned by Talbots) Pacific Sunwear - (also owned by Talbots) GAP - closing 85 stores Footlocker - closing 140 stores mo re to close after January Wickes Furniture - closing down Levitz - closing down remaining stores Bombay - closing remaining stores Zales - closing down 82 stores and 105 after January Whitehall - closing all stores Piercing Pagoda - closing all stores Disney - closing 98 stores and will close more after January. Home Depot - closing 15 stores Macys - to close 9 stores after January Linens and Things - closing all stores Movie Galley - Closing all stores Pep Boys - Closing 33 stores Sprint/Nextel - closing 133 stores JC Penney - closing a number of stores after January Ethan Allen - closing down 12 stores. Wilson Leather - closing down all stores Sharper Image - closing down all stores K B Toys - closing 356 stores Lowes - to close down some stores Dillard's - to close some stores http://money.aol.com/special/retail-stores-closing-doors [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: LOTTERY! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:43:38 11/19/08 Wed A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: making a baby | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:09:31 11/19/08 Wed Making a baby. This is hilarious!? > >There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--? > > >The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate >father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, >Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, >'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' ?? > >Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer >happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. >'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' ?? > >'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, >'I've been expecting you.' ?? > >'Have you really?' said the photographer. >'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' ?? > >'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. >Please come in and have a seat'. ?? > >After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'? > >'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the >couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor >is fun. You can really spread out there.'? > >'Bathtub, living room floor? >No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' ?? > >'Well, Ma 'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we >try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm >sure you'll be pleased with the results.' ?? > >'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.? > >'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. >I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, >but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' ?? > >'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.? > >The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his >baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. ?? > >'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.? > >'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their >mother was so difficult to work with.'? > >'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.? > >'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job >done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good >look'? > >'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.? > >'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The >mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, >and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the >squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, >I just had to pack it all in.' ?? > >Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually >chewed on your, uh...equipment?'? > >'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and >we can get to work right away.'? > >'Tripod?'? > >'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. >It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'? >Mrs.?Smith?fainted > [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: I got your mama | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:48:34 11/17/08 Mon Little Kari came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little Kari was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Kari's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for Her birthday. Little Kari, of course, thought she did. Kari's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Kari stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Kari Kari knew this wa! sn't tr ue. She had not been a very good girl this year, So she tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Kari. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Kari Kari knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be A good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Kari Kari knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Kari's mother thought her plan had worked because Kari looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said. Kari walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She Looked around to see if anyone was! there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God. LETTER 4: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Game Warden!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:15:42 11/14/08 Fri A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you." If you break his leg, I'm gonna break you leg, If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you, So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy siad, "I guess I'll just kiss his @ss and let him go!" May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey be plump, May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay OFF your thighs! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: A new recipe for THANKSGIVING! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:12:32 11/04/08 Tue 8 - 15 lb. turkey 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.) 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done. And, you thought I didn't cook... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  Gotta' love kids! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:35:27 10/30/08 Thu Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.' The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.' The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for? 'The first kid says, 'A circumcision.' 'WHOA!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: I hate to Gossip..................... ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:27:05 10/28/08 Tue Hi there, I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not from someone else. I know what you are probably thinking. This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out..... Please don't think that I am gossiping. Anyway guess who is due in less than 2 months???????????? scroll down.... SANTA CLAUS!!!! Now get to shopping! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  This is good! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:11:35 10/24/08 Fri Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, Jenny told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..' God is good [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: One for the smart a$$! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:20:13 10/20/08 Mon A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine, who was si tting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' That pretty much ended the service -- [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Sugar Cookies STATE of the Economy Address! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:16:22 10/10/08 Fri If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called a 401-Keg. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Where is your mind today?? ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:10:41 10/10/08 Fri OLD people have problems that you may not have even considered yet ! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first; with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked, 'You asked your neighbor ?' The old man replied, 'Yep, None of us could get the jar open.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Now that I am closer to 50 than 40- I find this stuff amusing. ENJOY! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:43:59 10/10/08 Fri Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia . Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker. These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference. Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: mental health week | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:46:33 10/02/08 Thu :: BREAKING NEWS!! ::: In 2009 the government will start killing all the mentally ill people. I started crying when I thought of you. Run, little friend, run! MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu: If you are obsessive-compulsiv e, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway. If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6. If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up. This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. (Well, my job is done . Your turn!) lol [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: too cute | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:29:44 10/02/08 Thu One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides > > to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to > > take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her > > book. > > Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and > > says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' > > 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') > > 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her > > 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' > > 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at > any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' > > 'For reading a book,' she replies, > > 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, > > 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' > > 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at > any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' > > 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the > > woman. > > 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. > > 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could > start at any moment.' > > 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. > > > > MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: oh my | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:02:49 09/30/08 Tue A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT ~ Sugar Cookie (STILL LAUGHING!) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:16:55 09/30/08 Tue The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Fortune Cookies you won't see~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:32:19 09/26/08 Fri *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Virginity like bubble One prick, all gone. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run in front of car Get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind car Get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with hand in pocket Feel cocky all day. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Foolish man give wife grand piano Wise man give wife upright organ. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one chopstick Go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch ass Should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many prunes Get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put husband in doghouse Soon find him in cathouse. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with wife all day Get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails to build crib But one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like hell Bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who stand on toilet Is high on pot. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~* Man who live in glass house Should change clothes in basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in other man's well Often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fart in church Sit in own pew. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator smell different To midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Person who deletes this Has no humor!!! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Now send it to 1 or more people. Nothing will happen but 1 or more people laughing [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The New Priest ...... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:08:16 09/25/08 Thu Confessional suggestions to a newbie priest... A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests,'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, .. 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit... what happened next?' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:21:22 09/24/08 Wed To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice ! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that . 4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana' or even better.. 'to sa ve the world' 6. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.' 7. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 8. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. but only if they have fat free ice. 9 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.' 10. Sing Along At The Opera. 11. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day. 12. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 13. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' and when you get change from the soda machine yell 'JACKPOT'!! even when it's only a nickel 14 . When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' and when people ask what got loose tell them.. The butterflies!!! They are after me!!!!!! 15. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies: |
| Subject: A Frog Story... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:35:26 09/24/08 Wed A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (you're gonna love this) The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! Have a lovely day [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Tropical Dream Stars Board http://www.voy.com/217455/ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:01:13 09/16/08 Tue [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: TO WHOEVER IS POSTING THE ADS, I BELIEVE IT READS "NO ADS" AT THE TOP. thank you | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:19:26 09/16/08 Tue [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: To my friends on the LL BOARD! *None of that sissy crap* ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:17:32 09/11/08 Thu Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!! 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!! 9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND! ~*~* Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.*~*~ [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Italian Men ..... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:33:13 09/05/08 Fri Subject: Italian Men It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman... On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Italian man stands up in the rear o f the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps ... He whispers: 'Iron this, and get me something to eat ...' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Be Careful Out There ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:01:26 09/03/08 Wed IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that ½ was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING : I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman , KS . IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE : My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' T o which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS. STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Happy to see this board | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:14:54 09/02/08 Tue I am so happy there is a board that don't criticize people but help them out. I LOVE the jokes that are on here. I'm still trying to read all of them in the archives. I love coming to this site when I don't have anything to do (which is rare). I like to see pms being nice to each other. One of the reasons I'm on here is to ask for some help if you don't mind. I have a 7 yr old niece who is doing her 1st pageant. (natural national). I have her beauty dress and need to get a casual wear outfit and interview outfit. what do you suggest for her to wear? she's kinda tall and a little on the skinny side, a little not much, lol. Should she wear white shoes and white ruffle socks like my little one does? I would get a coach but can't really afford one with everything and its momma going up in price, lol. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Miss Merry Christmas 2008 Keller, TX | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:00:29 08/29/08 Fri Be the very first Miss Merry Christmas! Ages 0-19 Stirling Auditorium Kroger Drive Keller, TX 76248 www.freewebs.com/missmerrychristmas2008 maryehanna1969@hotmail.com Join our NATURAL pageant system for fun, family-oriented, low cost pageant excitement! Visit our website to register and pay fees by Sept 30, 2008 to take advantage of our EARLY BIRD SPECIAL!! Also, we offer a sibling discount of $25 off the 2nd child entered, and $50 off the third child entered! Whether you're new to the pageant world or experienced, our pageant will be a positive experience! Title winners of those pageants are awarded fees paid to compete at the Texas Choice State Pageant in June 2009, to be held in beautiful San Antonio, TX. The state pageant is an open pageant and participation in a preliminary pageant is not required. It is, however, a rewarding experience AND helpful in earning fees paid to the state pageant! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Why parents drink .. ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:52:02 08/23/08 Sat The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes.' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No .' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman '. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy ', whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME ' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: FOR ONCE SOMETHING GOOD ON THE PINK BOARD!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 03:08:40 08/22/08 Fri Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese That's not right! Sum Ting Wong Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Fuk Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching This is a tow away zone! No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu Great Fa Kin Su Pa ENJOY! HAIRSPRAY HOTTIE! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: 100.00 WISH | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:14:07 08/21/08 Thu A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes. HAIRSPRAY HOTTIE ^^^/ [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: One of my favorites! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:12:20 08/20/08 Wed Wal*Mart greeter A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal*Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?' 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: FOR ONCE SOMETHING GOOD ON THE PINK BOARD | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:17:17 08/20/08 Wed Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics. Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese That's not right! Sum Ting Wong Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Fuk Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching This is a tow away zone! No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu Great Fa Kin Su Pa [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: I thought I was a COWBOY????? ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:49:58 08/20/08 Wed An old cowboy Named Cliff sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.' She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about sex with women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about sex with women. When I shower, I think about sex with women. When I watch TV, I think about sex with women. I even think about sex with women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of sex with women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: HAD TO SHARE THIS ONE WITH EVERYONE!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:48:22 08/20/08 Wed Laugh of the Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (This one is too funny to not forward.) My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch' HOPE YOU ALL LIKED THIS ONE!! HAIRSPRAY HOTTIE!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: This is what happened when Obama went to Afghanistan | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:53:14 08/19/08 Tue This is what happened when Obama went to Afghanistan! Do we really want this man as our president when he cant even give a soldier that is fighting & giving his life for a country that this man wants to lead??? Please read this & re-post it! Hi all FYI--for what freedom is worth. Tiffany and Jeff Porter are our friends who live in Virginia. (Below is from Tiffany) I don't know each of your personal political convictions, and apologize if anyone finds this offensive. I thought it was important enough to share. This is Jeff's first hand view of Senator Obama. (This is from an American soldier) Hello everyone, As you know I am not a very political person. I just wanted to pass along that Senator Obama came to Bagram Afghanistan for about an hour on his visit to 'The War Zone'. I wanted to share with you what happened. He got off the plane and got into a bullet proof vehicle, got to the area to meet with the Major General (2 Star) who is the commander here at Bagram. As the Soldiers where lined up to shake his hand he blew them off and didn't say a word as he went into the conference room to meet the General. As he finished, the vehicles took him to the ClamShell (pretty much a big top tent that military personnel can play basketball or work out in with weights) so he could take his publicity pictures playing basketball. He again shunned the opportunity to talk to Soldiers to thank them for their service. So really he was just here to make a showing for the American's back home that he is their candidate for President. I think that if you are going to make an effort to come all the way over here you would thank those that are providing the freedom that they are providing for you. I swear we got more thanks from the NBA Basketball Players or the Dallas Cowboy Cheer leaders than from one of the Senators, who wants to be the President of the United States. I just don't understand how anyone would want him to be our Commander-and-Chief. It was almost that he was scared to be around those that provide the freedom for him and our great country. If this is blunt and to the point I am sorry but I wanted you all to know what kind of caliber of person he really is. What you see in the news is all fake. In service, CPT Jeffrey S. Porter Battle Captain TF Wasatch American Soldier [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: wanted to share | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:02:27 08/19/08 Tue came across this site and thought I'd share it www.glitzandritzboutique.piczo.com [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: ***** WARNING***** ~ SUGAR COOKIE (THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:16:39 08/18/08 Mon You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took great pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts. Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one Section at a time. What could they do to me next? When my neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts-stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you? THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: free | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:24:51 08/13/08 Wed  [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Dear Abby DUMBFOUNDED!?!?!?!? … ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:45:37 08/08/08 Fri Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following! Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I' m not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband los t all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington , DC [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: PRICELESS | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:09:18 08/07/08 Thu What did you do today? A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.' Priceless [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Aunty Sharon... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:01:36 08/06/08 Wed A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken. What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher. Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' Very good,' said the teacher. Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' That was a fine story Sarah.' said the teacher. 'Michael, do you have a story to share?' Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' Stay the f*** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: FUNNY BUT TRUE | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:04:01 08/04/08 Mon 1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!' 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!' 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)! 8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: LOL | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:03:23 08/04/08 Mon Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now ...what is the moral to this story? The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: http://www.voy.com/217455/ TDS Prediction board | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:37:32 08/03/08 Sun [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The pink boards are always down so I will ask here, DOES ANYONE HAVE A DVD FOR SALE OF TDS NATIONALS 2007? I WOULD LIKE TO WATCH IT BEFORE I DECIDE IF I WOULD LIKE TO GO OR NOT. PLEASE EMAIL ME ASAP AS I HAVE TO DECIDE NOW. THANKS MYPAGEANTBABY@YAHOO.COM TIA | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:25:08 07/31/08 Thu [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I believe.......... ~Sugar Cookie (this made my day) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:58:35 07/29/08 Tue A birth certificate shows that we were born. A Death Certificate shows that we died. Pictures show that we lived! Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly. I Believe... That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other. I Believe... That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I Believe... That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I Believe... That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I Believe... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I Believe... That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I Believe.. That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't. I Believe... That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I Believe... That either you control your attitude or it controls you. I Believe... That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I Believe... That money is a lousy way of keeping score. I Believe... That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time. I Believe... That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up. I Believe... That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I Believe... That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I Believe... That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. I Believe.. That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I Believe... That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for whom we become. I Believe... That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever. I Believe... Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I Believe... That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I Believe... That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help. I Believe... That credentials on the wall does not make you a decent human being. I Believe... That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. I believe that you should pass this on to as many people as you can...... I just did. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Blonde and a Democrat and I found this DANG FUNNY! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:12:52 07/26/08 Sat Linda Burnett , 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could be irrelevant. ****** DISCLAIMER ******** This is only a joke! Not to cause an uproar! LAUGH PEOPLE! *wink* [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: g | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:51:08 07/25/08 Fri  www.glitzandritzboutique.piczo.com where glitzy girls dress for less [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: i need the pink board numbers | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:53:41 07/22/08 Tue i know i know, why waste my time?? LOL... but i have not been there in months...(new computer) i am just wonderin' what is going on on the pinks! also there is a voy pageant resource list. it is a voy board that lists all the pageant voy boards by number, it is not a chat board or ad's...it is # only. does anyone have that??? please post the numbers here...or e mail me at candyturner@verizon.net thank you!! keep the jokes coming...i just introduced a friend of mine to "LL"...(Hi Lisa!) can someone welcome her with our mascot...the piano man??? hee hee thank you guys...i really have missed the jokes!! candy [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Why's of me~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:46:11 07/22/08 Tue Why's of Men 1.WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?(they don 't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!) 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER B RAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy) 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?(don't know.....it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!) 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .' And they say blondes are dumb... -------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' ----------------------------------------------------------- 'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied. -------------------------------------- Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ----------------------------------------------------- - Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN ------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------- ------------------------- Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. -------------------------------------- Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. --------------------------------- ------ -------------------- Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.' ----------------------------------------------------------- Send this to at least five bright,funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Senior pre-nup by ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 04:21:46 07/18/08 Fri An old man and woman were about to get married, but they decided they should have a prenuptial agreement. The woman said, "I'd like to keep my house." The old man said, "That's fine." The old lady said, "I'd like to keep my Cadillac too." The man said, "That's fine." The woman said, "I'd like to have sex 6 times a week." The man said, "Ok, put me down for Fridays." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Farmer | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:32:28 07/10/08 Thu An Amish farmer walking, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts, "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means, "Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it." The man shouts back,"I'm from New York and I'm down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English." The Amish man said, "Use two hands, you'll get more." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: This may show my MENTAL age, but I found this so funny! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:21:06 07/08/08 Tue "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Pfizer Announcement ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:46:25 07/03/08 Thu Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Something to look forward to? ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:03:08 06/27/08 Fri After 50 years of marriage, a Florida couple was lying in bed one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of; her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' I found the remote,' he said. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Word to live by from ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:47:54 06/27/08 Fri I'm not 40 something....I'm $39.95 plus shipping and handling. I only have a kitchen because it came with the house. I don't have hot flashes....I have short, private vacations in the tropics. I have PMS and ESP....that makes me a bitch who knows everything! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Helpful advice~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:41:56 06/25/08 Wed 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM. DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: True Story from Houston Medical Center ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:52:39 06/23/08 Mon A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his "manhood". According to the nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his "manhood" while he was asleep. We all know what happens in the morning with men. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your "manhood". 3) Or finding out your "manhood" fits through your wedding ring. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: As I lie awake..... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:44:44 06/23/08 Mon I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... ....you damn mosquito. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Gotta love George~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:59:27 06/23/08 Mon Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend , or deny...He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home.. And left it there all night. You Gotta love George... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Curtain Rods | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:03:40 06/12/08 Thu She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........including the curtain rods. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU???? ~269 [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Any Laughing Ladies going to DDA? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:47:52 06/10/08 Tue [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I'm signing up my dh for some...~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:13:36 06/09/08 Mon Summer Classes for Men at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, August 15th 2008 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors. Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  I admit it! I am a JUNKIE! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:16:15 06/08/08 Sun Am I the only one addicted to POST SECRET? I look forward to Sunday mornings when I can get on my computer and look at the new post cards. I have even asked for the books (and they cost a mint!) for gifts. I have been told that I am living vicariously through the lives of other and that I am a voyeur. Sometimes the cards make me laugh, at times cry and other times flinch with their honesty. To me, this site is life at its most raw form. If you visit it, let me know I am not alone. If you are curious- beware that the content is at times R rated. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ But if we are all brutally honest, do we not have secrets too? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: NOT A JOKE! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:30:05 06/06/08 Fri Every parent needs to know this information! If you are at home or traveling to a pageant- you MUST know the information provided on this website to keep your child safe. I was appalled when I put in my home address and found the name, ages and conviction records of 14 felons in approximately a 1 square mile radius of my home. I strongly suggest that you bookmark this website and share it with everyone you know. Ignorance is NOT bliss! Knowledge is POWER! http://www.felonspy.com/search.html [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: OK.. yuk? *Mommie Dearest* | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:50:09 06/03/08 Tue OK, ladies. I haven't posted in a while, but I came across this and I just HAVE to share. It's like a train wreck....you want to watch, but don't want to... it just draws you to it. http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=33057796 [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Diary of a Dog - Diary of a Cat | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:21:24 06/02/08 Mon Diary of a Dog - Diary of a Cat EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an infor mant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: The Blonde & Curtains | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:03:17 06/02/08 Mon A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains'. The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches'. 'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?' The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor'. The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!' The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows'. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Could someone please repost the "Cats and Dogs" joke please? I just have to show it to my mom. She | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:09:38 06/01/08 Sun [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: HAIRSPRAY HOTTIE NEEDS YOUR HELP!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:14:15 05/30/08 Fri HEY GUYS I HAVE BEEN AWAY FOR A LITTLE TIME DUE TO SOME FAMILY ILLNESSES BUT I'M BACK AND NEED YOUR HELP. IF THERE IS ANY WAY I COULD GET YOU ALL TO VOTE FOR MY LITTLE PRINCESS IN A SNAPSHOT PHOTO CONTEST...THEY PICK THE WINNERS BY VOTES ONLY NOT JUDGED...IT IS FREE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOG IN AND SET UP AND ACCOUNT. THEY DO HAVE SOME OFFERS AND FREEBIES TO GIVE BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THOSE TO VOTE JUST SIGN UP AND LOG IN IT IS THAT SIMPLE! YOU CAN ONLY VOTE 1 TIME PER DAY UNTIL THE CONTEST ENDS. ONCE AGAIN THANKS A BUNCH LADIES!! https://www.greatamericanphotocontest.com/voter1/index_c.aspx?&referid=WlcmKobe&p=559084&x=.JPG [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: free rice~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:18:13 05/29/08 Thu try this out...i had to stop after 1200... http://www.freerice.com/index.php [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: What REALLY happed in Eden! (or the REST or the story!) ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:44:00 05/29/08 Thu After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...She also, felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put the useless boob?' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The redneck golfer | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:00:21 05/28/08 Wed A redneck guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it doc...I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way.' The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.' He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ...an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.' He immediately drops his pants and replies... 'Look at this, still in the CRATE!' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: How a marriage works .... a very sweet story :) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:57:44 05/28/08 Wed How a marriage works all men should read this. A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies . So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?' ........and, they lived happily ever after. Now, isn't that a sweet story? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The PERFECT Mothers Day Gift! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 04:24:56 05/24/08 Sat A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, ' don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: One for the ladies! "THE WASH CLOTH" ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 04:17:29 05/24/08 Sat I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes , hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?' I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one --- that was here by the sink --- -it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it. Never going back to that doctor. Ever. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I realize this is probably a 'guy' joke but I was crying from laughing so hard..>~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:33:12 05/22/08 Thu I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I hadprepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to s __t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee and a long sit-down on the throne, nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Prattville Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, a lone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. A BIG mistake! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked,fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe ". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Son of a b***h!", then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls . The next day I went to shop at Food World. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: The Biker | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:32:05 05/22/08 Thu I saw you, hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But, you didn't see me, put an extra $10.00 in the collection outside the store as I walked in. I saw you; pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk. But, you didn't see me, playing Santa at the local mall. I saw you, change your mind about going into the restaurant. But, you didn't see me, attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief. I saw you , roll up your window and shake your head when I rode by. But, you didn't see me, riding behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out the car window. I saw you, frown at me when I smiled at your children. But, you didn't see me, when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless. I saw you, stare at my long hair. But, you didn't see me, and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love. I saw you, roll your eyes at our leather jackets and gloves. But, you didn't see me, and my brothers donate our old ones to those that had none. I saw you, look in fright at my tattoos. But, you didn't see me, cry as my children were born and have their name written over and in my heart. I saw you, change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere. But, you didn't see me, going home to be with my family. I saw you, complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be. But, you didn't see me, when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane. I saw you, yelling at your kids in the car. But, you didn't see me, pat my child's hands, knowing he was safe behind me. I saw you, reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road. But, you didn't see me, squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn. I saw you, race down the road in the rain. But, you didn't see me, get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date. I saw you, run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But, you didn't see me, trying to turn right. I saw you, cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But, you didn't see me, leave the road. I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But, you didn't see me. I wasn't there. I saw you, go home to your family. But, you didn't see me. Because, I died that day you cut me off. I was just a biker. A person with friends and a family. But, you didn't see me. *********************************************************** The way I see it, we need to RESPECT each other more! This world we be a far better place if we stopped seeing how different everyone is and started noticing the way we are all the same. I know this board is about joy and laughter- but this was in my "inbox" today and deeply touched me. I hope no one minds that I posted it. ~ Sugar Cookie [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: election advice from Holland ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:22:40 05/17/08 Sat 'We in Holland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election. On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a beautiful chest who owns a beer distributorship. Is there a contest here? ' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Why Men Are Happier..... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:49:29 05/14/08 Wed WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress = $5000; tux rental = $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. Share this with the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it ! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Rose & Barb | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:47:18 05/14/08 Wed Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.' Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.' Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?' 'Barb -- it's me, Rose.' 'You're not Rose. Rose just died.' 'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice. 'Rose! Where are you?' 'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.' 'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb. 'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.' 'That's fantastic,' said Barb.. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?' 'You're pitching Tuesday.' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: A little late for Mothers Day, but I hope it was the "BESTEST DAY" for those of you that are blessed to have have children! ~ Love from Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:06:59 05/14/08 Wed When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid, And bring so much happiness...just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided. Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues, And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) When they cook dinner and call me to eat, I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat, I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click, I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud 'til the end of the day! (When I'm an old lady and live with my kids) And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, I'll pull up the covers and then close my eyes. My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, And say with a groan, 'She's so sweet when she's sleeping!' Thank You All Moms and Grandmas everywhere! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Five Secrets To A Great Relationship | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:37:08 05/12/08 Mon 1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job. 2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn't lie. 4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and loves you. 5. It is important that these four men never meet. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Nut Shop .... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:36:37 04/30/08 Wed A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?" "Yes?" replies the clerk. ! "Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?" "Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound." "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?" "Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound." "SSIT ! tas pensive," replies the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?" "Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound." "Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen." "All right then," says the clerk as he begins bagging up a pound of pecans. Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wanna tay tank you fo not making fun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it." The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody. I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose." The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your pecker since your nuts are so high." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Some days getting OLDER does not seem so bad! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:57:13 04/28/08 Mon An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping h is half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Offi cer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO HARD TO LEARN: ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:39:12 04/21/08 Mon 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people: Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: SO TRUE! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:16:14 04/18/08 Fri They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" I can't piss out of it," he replied. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: A safety puzzle for you | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:55:11 04/17/08 Thu You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? You've had too many cocktails, get off the merry-go-round. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Married Life | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:48:52 04/17/08 Thu Married Life Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.' The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.' The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: **Warning ** Little Ralphy has a potty mouth | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:47:16 04/17/08 Thu LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1) A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking." LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2) Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f...... difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful." Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'" LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: This is hilarious! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:43:56 04/16/08 Wed  Graphics for Funny Picture Comments [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I"ve been spending my time on other boards | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:10:36 04/14/08 Mon But I HAD to post this one for you ladies. My dd (over 18) loves to tell people to "Suck her balls" (among other things she says, just to see my ears burn). So a guy at her job told her that it is biologically impossible for anyone to "suck her balls" since she is a woman and doesn't have any. To that my dd said,"Well, I'd tell you to suck my fallopian tubes, but that just doesn't have the same ring to it." I mean, come on!! Suck my fallopian tubes!! ROFLMAO!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Gotta love the new york times! ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:55:06 04/13/08 Sun A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A NY Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says,"Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right." "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?" " A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. " The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: I think I want to be Jewish! ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:19:28 04/11/08 Fri No matter what Moshe did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, & makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, & should bring on an orgasm." They go home & follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, & he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, & the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay,"he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, & you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, & hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, & the husband waves the towel. The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man, & says to him triumphantly: "You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Italian Honeymoon | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:32:04 04/11/08 Fri Italian Honeymoon After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?' Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.' 'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni. 'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we wasa lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'you no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of nice-a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to maka da sweet love and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting atta da top of heesa voice 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !' 'I says-a 'Folka you' - Nexa time, I'm justa gonna take-a da bus!' [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Nominated as best short joke this year ... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:26:29 04/11/08 Fri Nominated as best short joke this year ... A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath......... "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: for all you cajuns- a good laugh! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:48:18 04/04/08 Fri You Know You're a Cajun When . . . Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled. (This is a personal one - it's always pronounced Le-BLANK.) No matter where else you go in the world, you are always disappointed in the food. You get up in the morning and start cooking a pot of rice before you give any thought to what you'll fix for dinner. Your baby's first words are "long beads." You ask, "How dey running?" and "Are dey fat?" but you're inquiring about seafood quality. When a hurricane is imminent, you have a lot more faith in Nash Roberts than Super Doppler 6000. Nothing shocks you, period, ever. Not politics, hurricanes, red lights, parking tickets, the Saints, Mardi Gras. Your "one martini lunch" becomes a "five Bloody Mary afternoon" and you keep your job. You're walking with a plastic cup of beer. When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head. Your idea of health food is a baked potato instead of fries with your fried seafood platter. You call tomato sauce "red gravy." You know you recycled too much newspaper when there isn't enough for the dinner (or crawfish) table. Your house payment is less than your air conditioning bill. You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras throws. You know it's "ask" but you purposely say "ax." You understand it when someone describes their favorite color as K & B purple. Someone asks you, "Where you at?" and you tell them how you are. You are left behind at an out-of-town bar searching for a "go cup." You think of potholes as naturally occurring speed bumps. Your grandparents are called "Maw Maw" and "Paw Paw." You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a "New Orleans-based" movie or TV show. You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm. You waste more time navigating back streets than you would if you just sat in traffic. You fall asleep to the soothing sounds of four box fans. You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you've eaten. Every so often, you have waterfront property. Everyone you know has either hit an armadillo or nutria with their car or truck. The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass. The four festival seasons in your year are: Crawfish, Shrimp, Crab and King Cake. The smell of a crawfish or shrimp boil turns you on more than does the Movie Channel or HBO. The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy' dressed'is healthier than a Caesar salad. When giving directions you use words like 'uptown', 'downtown', 'backatown', 'riverside', 'lakeside', 'other side of the bayou', 'up the bayou', 'down the bayou', or 'other side of the levee'. When you refer to a geographical location 'way up North', you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock or Memphis, 'where it gets real cold'. You 'wrench' your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off. You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard. You believe that purple, green and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors). You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it. (also, Thibodeaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, and Atchafalaya) You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday. You don't realize until high school what a 'county' is. You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house. You go by 'ya-mom'n'ems' on Good Friday for family supper. You go to buy a new winter coat ( what most people refer to as windbreakers) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads. You greet people with 'Howzyamomma'an'dem?' and hear back 'Dey fine'!" You have spent a lazy summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs. You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used. You know the definition of 'dressed'. (As in "I want my po' boy dressed.") You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway. You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team. You like your rice and politics dirty. You prefer skiing on the bayou. You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins." You realize the rain forest is less humid than Louisiana. You've ever had Community Coffee. Your burial plot is six feet "above the ground" rather than six feet "below the ground." You've ever wore shorts at Christmas time. You pronounce Lafayette as "Laffy-ette" not "La-fy-ette". You learned to drive a boat before you could drive a car. You know the meaning of a "Cocodrie Reeboks". (a pair of white fishing boots) You offer somebody a "coke" and then ask them what kind: Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi, 7Up? You can name all of your 3rd cousins. You plan your wedding around hunting season & LSU football. You have a ditch on at least one side of your property. You can list all the ingredients of a gumbo or a jambalaya. If you ever had to wait for the bridge to "come down" so you can get home. If you've ever been to a wedding and someone either danced in a #3 washtub or with a broom and this was considered normal. You "make your groceries" or "save your dishes" or have an "ice box". You mow your lawn with a "mowin' machine." You can't think of anybody that can cook better than your momma. You know when it's appropriate to use "Tony Chachere's". You know an old person that can "treat" you for warts. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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