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| Subject: Asking for some help ~Zebrachick | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:39:43 05/17/07 Thu Hello my fellow Laughing Ladies! I know I haven't been around in a while, but I am sure many of you remember what it is like to have a newborn in the house! I was hoping you guys would be kind enough to vote for my daughter in an online photo contest. This is her first and I am really excited about it because (to me) she is the most beautiful baby in the world. This contest is free and the winners are based on the number and ranking of the votes from online viewers. So please check it out and vote for my dd Natalie. Just enter the link into your browers address bar and then enter her contestant number which is 44974 and then please give her a 10. Thank you so much! Zebrachick [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Let's go on a vacation! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:29:08 05/16/07 Wed Let's go on a vacation! We can use Google Maps to plan our trip. (Now try this! It's worth the little bit of effort!) 1. Go to www.google.com 2. Click on Maps. 3. Click on Get Directions. 4. In the first box, type in your town and state 5. In the second box, type in "Paris, France" 6. Click "Get Directions" Paris here we come! 7. Voila! (Now read the search results and what you do when you reach the atlantic) 8. Call me when you get there, I don't think I'm going!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Blonde joke~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:46:27 05/15/07 Tue A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nakedness to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer... HELLOOOOO !!! THESE ARE MY EMERGENCY FLASHERS !!!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  The garage door ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:00:29 05/15/07 Tue (Sorry about the CAPS- it arrived in my "inbox" that way!) A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN - HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?" THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP. HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAS TOLD HIM, FINALLY UNDERSTOOD . THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY. WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY JAGUAR PARKED IN THERE?" THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "NO BOSS I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: smart redneck | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:57:42 05/09/07 Wed A redneck was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that." The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works." "O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?" "Well, what?" says the redneck. The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The fish," replied the warden! "What fish?" replied the redneck. Moral of the story: Rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  Hey Laughing Ladies!!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:30:43 05/09/07 Wed I know this is sooooo bad and soooo unChristian but, I am ridiculously proud of myself!!! My dd is graduating from High School on the 30th and I can't get over it!!! Every time a commerical comes with kids going to college, I just freak out with happiness!!! I am sooooo proud of my dd!!! I just think it's fantastic!!! Am I going to feel like this when she graduates college? I can't see how, since I am beyond happy now!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: The Priest | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:01:29 05/08/07 Tue A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  My son and his best buddy attended their High School prom this past Sat. evening and I thought I would help them out by creating a "Top Ten" list for them. I thought this might come in handy for some of you or for others it might be pure amusement. Here you go! Just as I gave it to the boys Sat. afternoon (minus the names) ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:02:29 05/07/07 Mon TEN things you should NEVER say to your date on prom night…… 10- Is THAT what you are wearing? Was it on the ½ price rack???? 9- You know, you are lucky to be going with ME to my prom!! 8- Did you see that babe over there checking me out? 7- You know- I was thinking- I saw your mom earlier this evening and I PRAY you do not grow up to look ANYTHING like HER! 6- “You look groovy/shagedelic” or anything else that archaic or outdated. (Or “At least you look better than you usually do!) 5- Is that thing on your forehead a pimple or are you posing as a unicorn? 4 – Ohh my- have “we” put on a few pounds? (said while pinching her tummy) 3- Please-Please- PLEASE tell me that is a wig and your REAL hair is under there!!! 2- Hey sweetie- it seems that I forgot my wallet- can you pay for the dinner and I will get back to you on that??? And the number one thing NOT to say to her on Prom night is….. Drum roll please! 1- Ummm…… What’s your name again?????? Boys- I will NOT lecture (much) - but you both have been raised to treat a young lady with the respect and dignity that she deserves. Remember, one day there may be a young man such as yourselves taking your daughters to prom!! We are counting on you to treat these girls with the reverence they deserve! Have fun and I hope my little joke made you smile. Love- Mom [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: He didn't like the casserole | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:32:15 05/07/07 Mon He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him... Like his mother used to do. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Why married women should avoid a "girls night out" ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 03:11:59 05/06/07 Sun The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why. He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 2 times, giggled Cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  OK- Do you REALLY want to take the UNDERWEAR QUIZ? ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:44:13 05/04/07 Fri http://www.jokesunlimited.com/underwearquiz.php The damn thing was pretty close to accurate with me! It said regular panties and I wear bikini ones. No thongs for this country gal! THANKYOUVERYMUCH! But the photo it showed was pretty close! There is a male and female version of the quiz! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: A lot of people like this guy! Casa D'Ice Restaurant near Pittsburgh. Disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in these signs are not necessarily the opinions of the poster (Sally the Cable Chick), but they might me! LOL | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:30:38 05/04/07 Fri The owner changes the signs when he gets another idea or just wants to make a [political] statement and Wow! This guy says things in a very direct manner! Here are some of his signs: 1. The seatbelt law is a great money maker for townships. Ask lawmakers why 40 million kids can ride a school bus twice a day without seatbelts. 2. Bring back the rotary phone so we don't have to push "one" to proceed in English. 3. At the current rate of legal and illegal aliens entering this country, August 2013 will be designated "white history month." 4. "One nation under God." That's the way it is & that's the way it should be. If you don't like it...tough shit! 5. What's the difference in highway robbery and high gas prices? Not a damn thing...just government approved. 6. Wanted! Someone very openminded to change the sign every week after I die. Inquire within. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Pricless~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:54:23 05/04/07 Fri An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Thought for day~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:43:33 05/03/07 Thu SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING ... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS How many SLINKIES do we all know? LOL [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: MEN UGH!!! Saggy Baggy | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:07:09 05/02/07 Wed Ok men take no offense to this please. I refuse to believe ANY of you would behave in this way... But I just need to vent! Ok so yesterday my honey sends me a text and asks if he can borrow $60. I say thats fine. He asks me if I can deposit it into his account I tell him I dont have time to do it then but will do it tomorrow. So moving on to today I go to the bank and deposit the money into his account. Now first of all while I was there they had a question so I tried to call him. He didnt answer. Yeah so hes at work maybe he cant answer whatever. So then I get it into his account and send him a text telling him its in there. An hour and a half later no text response back, no phone call back nothing. So me being who I am send him another text saying "Youre welcome" He then responds to that one saying "Give me a chance to say thanks" So I responded back saying I am sorry I didnt realize it took over an hour. And he has the nerve to be upset with me Did I miss something here??? I just walked half a mile with a child who isnt feeling well in 40 degree weather to put 60 of my hard earned dollars into your account and then take the time to send you a text message telling you its there. And over an hour later your telling me that I need to give you the chance to say thanks? And are upset with me for waiting over an hour for a simple thank you. You couldnt take five seconds to send a text saying thank you, three seconds to send one saying thanks, even two seconds to say tnx??? But I am the one in the wrong!!! UGH-MEN LOL! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: LMAO~~~Saggy Baggy~~~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:35:51 05/01/07 Tue One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?" The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away. Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Men should learn to be more specific in their statements LOL Saggy Baggy | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:33:23 05/01/07 Tue It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: For Sale | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:05:19 04/30/07 Mon Adorable 3-4T sportswear that is theme! I wont say which one here but if you need an awesome theme sportswear in that size email me. 2tclothesneeded@yahoo.com [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: OMG!!! It has come to this!!! http://i82.photobucket.com/albums/j275/stwebber/Humor/gas-prices.jpg[/IMG] | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:00:23 04/29/07 Sun [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: what's your sign | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:30:43 04/29/07 Sun AQUARIUS - The Slut Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to Have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost. PISCES - The Addict EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationship. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost. LEO - The Cool One Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, Fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person Ever meet! however not the kind of person you wanna mess with... u might end up crying... 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost. GEMINI - The Liar Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost. CANCER - The Smart One. Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being In long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost. ARIES- The Irresistible One Nice Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost. SAGITTARIUS-The One that Waits Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always Wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Beautiful. Goofy. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. 7 Years of bad luck if you do not repost. TAURUS- The Aggresive One MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great at telling Stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost. LIBRA - The Partner for Life Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost. CAPRICORN - The Cute One Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to own Geminis' in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost. SCORPIO - The Gorgeous One Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Best kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. Amazing in bed. A caring person. One of a kind.Gorgeous Smile.Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not repost. VIRGO- The Promiscuous One Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: NO GAS...On May 15th 2007 | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:04:21 04/29/07 Sun NO GAS...On May 15th 2007 Don't pump gas on MAY 15th In April 1997, there was a "gas out" conducted nationwide in protest of gas prices. Gasoline prices dropped 30 cents a gallon overnight. On May 15th 2007, all internet users are to not go to a gas station in protest of high gas prices. Gas is now over $3.00 a gallon in most places. There are 73,000,000+ American members currently on the internet network, and the average car takes about 30 to 50 dollars to fill up. If all users did not go to the pump on the 15th, it would take $2,292,000,000.00 (that's almost 3 BILLION) out of the oil companies pockets for just one day, so please do not go to the gas station on May 15th and lets try to put a dent in the Middle Eastern oil industry for at least one day. If you agree (which I cant see why you wouldn't) resend this to all your contact list. With it saying, ''Don't pump gas on May 15th" Thanx's Stephen E. Fleming [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Moms of kids with an agent | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:53:51 04/29/07 Sun I know this is probably not the best place to ask, but here goes anyway: How did you find an agent? How do you know who to trust? I know better than to pay anyone to be an agent, but I was just wondering what to do...an internet search? How do you know who is legit? Or do you just go to open casting calls? I have a 2 month old who everyone says is absolutely adorable and she has a great temperment. I figured I might as well get her started early! Just wondering if anyone could offer some advice. TIA [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Pick your favorite coffee drink | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:02:17 04/27/07 Fri Follow this link: http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf 1. Click on the link 2. Put the coin in the vending machine 3. Choose your drink 4. Click on the cup when it is ready 5. Click on "APRI" *Don't forget to click on "APRI" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Yea me! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:02:25 04/26/07 Thu 
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| Subject: Tarot reader | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:38:38 04/25/07 Wed She stood in the dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to tell you this so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a quick, violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the tarot cards, the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her trembling hands. She took a few deep breaths to try to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I get away with it?" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Interesting email i got............. | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:46:38 04/21/07 Sat How about this plan? Just think what the world would be like........... .Oh my! The Plan! Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York " in Arabic. You gotta love Robin Williams... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) "I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan." 1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again. 2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East, and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence. 3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them. 4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers. 5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby. 6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while 7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.) 8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything. 9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens. 10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' " [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Will Ferrell - The landlord | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:37:12 04/20/07 Fri Here is a video of will ferrell. its not really clear but its absolutely hilarious!!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Too funny... Turn your speakers up and enjoy the concert... I promise NO screaming lady at the end... Just enjoy... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:34:25 04/20/07 Fri [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Vote For Me | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:14:21 04/20/07 Fri  Dear Laughing Ladies, I am so excited to be running for Little Miss Gobblerette this year for the Wild Turkey Festival. The contest works by votes, each vote is 1 penny and you can vote as many times as you would like. I turn in all money April 30th, 2007. The money raised will go to our local Travel & Tourism to keep Ohio beautiful. You can vote for me by paypaling PageantButterfly@aol.com. To be Little Miss Gobblerette would mean a lot to me because I lost my turkey, Tom last year. When ever I went outside Tom would follow me around like a puppy dog. I could get him to gobble so loud..lol He was the best turkey a girl could ever have. So, vote for me to be Little Miss Gobblerette because I know turkeys and they love me:o) Hope you don't mind me posting here just love this board! Pageant Hugs, Abbey Losi Brown [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Why Men Use Post it Notes... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:07:43 04/20/07 Fri  [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: DRESS FOR SALE | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:22:13 04/18/07 Wed I have a beautiful dress for sale. My daughter got to wear it two times, before she quit pageants. I have over 1000.00 invested in it but am willing to sell for 300.00 Its a bubblegum pink and will fit from 3t to 5t . It has a lace up back so its very adjustable. If you are interested you can email me at BMCELVAIN0001@kctcs.edu [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Post Secret~Saggy Baggy~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:07:08 04/17/07 Tue I just wanted to thank you guys for getting me totally addicted to Post Secret LOL!!! I now visit the site at least twice a week (I like to reread the cards sometimes) and have boughten the first and the third book (our Borders isnt carrying the second one right now-and I bought the last ones of both of them that they had) Plus I have started sending in some of my "dirty dozen" which by the way multiplies quite a bit I just havent thought of a better name for them. It is like such a relief to have a place to not only get your own secrets off your shoulders but to know that others can relate (even if they dont know it) and in a way I find peace in some of the cards. LOVE IT!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: FOR SALE~ FABRIC TO USE AS OVERLAY OR SOMETHING | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:53:04 04/17/07 Tue I have embroidered sheer silk fabric that I purchased to use for a baby's room and now don't need it. I just happened to purchase it from the one store in town that doesn't do returns on uncut fabric. It's sheer and soft and white. It has white vines and flowers on it that you could easily color with a dye pen. You could use this for top layers on skirts or for your own rooms. It's really soft also. I paid $22 a yard but I am willing to take reasonable offers as I really dont need this and need my money back for other baby things. I will pay shipping. I have about 5-6yds of it. email for more info and pics. JSGURL916@YAHOO.COM ~NAVY LADY [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: About the "Imus scandal" where he called the Rutgers' women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos." | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:37:02 04/17/07 Tue On a radio show, Stuart Scott of ESPN was asked why there was so much controversy over Imus' comment when black rappers use these words all the time in their lyrics. Here is one black man's perspective on Stuart Scott...thought it was funny! Stuart Scott said rappers who use ("nappy-headed hos") "mean it in an affectionate way." I don't know about you, but there's nothing I love more than being called a ho. I rank it right up there with getting chlamydia and hit in a drive-by shooting. It's just oodles and oodles of fun. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  How to "Spring Clean" ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:04:52 04/16/07 Mon Howdy y’all! I bet each and every one of my beautiful Laughing Lady gal pals is looking forward to that ritual the hubby’s call “Spring Cleaning” about as much as we look forward to a yeast infection or a root canal! But anyway~ I will move on! I know we would prefer to be on a beach somewhere with a fruity drink in one hand, being fed an exotic fruit by a delectable cabana boy-toy named Miguel that has absolutely NO TAN LINES ~ after a night of almost sinful sex with said cabana boy! (How do you think we would know about those tan lines?? DUHHHHHHH!) But instead- we are faced with the drudgery of wiping down walls (how the hell does Dr.Pepper spray that HIGH??) cleaning behind the beds (if that asshole clips his toenails and tosses then in the rear of this bed AGAIN- he just MAY find them in his freakin’ Lasagna!) washing curtains (interesting! This is where I hid the PEEPS last Easter!) and dusting things that may not have been dusted since LAST spring (dust BUNNY?? This is a dang dust ELEPHANT!) But ALAS!! Sugar Cookie has the cure for what ails you my delightful friends! Just follow these few simple steps and you will be through with the dreaded chore called (UGGGHH!) Spring Cleaning! You may want to save this- it is LIFE CHANGING!!!! HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE 1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it "Housework." 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?" 6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly..... 7. Feel better? Works for me! You will need to excuse me now- I am a bit weary from all of this effort!! I am off to my fantasy about Miguel again! Ta Ta!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: deer | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:30:27 04/15/07 Sun A Man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he said, "it's what mummy calls me sometimes". The little girl screams "Don't eat it, it's a f***ing a$$hole!!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: sex therapist | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:30:15 04/13/07 Fri A Florida couple; both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: VH1~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:24:47 04/13/07 Fri Just so everyone knows, VH 1 is showing "Little Beauties" it showed 2 times yesterday and will be showing again today I believe. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:31:56 04/13/07 Fri Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year- old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies: |
| Subject: LOLOL! I think this works both ways! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:18:09 04/11/07 Wed Loyalty in Marriage A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: This man will have my VOTE for PRESIDENT of the USA if he will run! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:42:01 04/10/07 Tue Update on Joe Arpaio TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY: Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona ) who created the "tent city jail": He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. ! He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies. He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects. Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination. He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel. When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs. He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back." He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place. More on the Arizona Sheriff: With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire- surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before. Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as swe! at collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks. "It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane." Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and! our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!" Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves. If you agree, pass this on. If not, just delete it. Sheriff Joe was just reelected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Ariz [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: welfare urine testing | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:29:56 04/10/07 Tue URINE TEST Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as they see fit. In order to get that paycheck. I am required to pass a random urine test, which I have no problem with. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check, because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sit on their butt. Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Schools Answering Machine ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 14:40:46 04/10/07 Tue This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. The outgoing message. . "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do - Press 3 To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day! If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Momma Whup Yo Ass Easter Egg Hunt!!!! … ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 02:42:28 04/08/07 Sun Momma woke up and grab her Easter bonnet She ran out side like a comet Momma found her basket with Peeps, cigs and brew She even found a bunny to make rabbit stew Them Easter eggs were next to find They were the only things on her mind Momma and her kinfolks looked, but found no eggs They even check all around the beer kegs They look high… and they look low They even look between momma’s toes BUT Momma and her cousins did not prevail They look to the sky and scream “What The HELL” Momma Whup Yo Ass is ready to kill Cause she can’t find no eggs in the field … So WHERE are those 12 eggs so hard to find? Can you help Momma get some piece of mind? … Happy Easter Egg Hunting  [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: What we owe our Mothers | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:00:16 04/07/07 Sat 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Dog vs. cat~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:11:36 04/06/07 Fri from a Dog's Diary' 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! 'Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Be Sure and read this one twice!!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:06:46 04/05/07 Thu Somewhere on a bus in Miami A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The Lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more!. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The Lady can't take this any more. "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives. "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi ' $5.00 says you're gonna read this again!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Philosophy of sex ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:13:51 04/05/07 Thu "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Forgive Your Enemies... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:41:04 04/01/07 Sun Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies? All held up their hands except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Remember When...... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:36:39 03/31/07 Sat Close your eyes...And go back... ....Before the Internet or PC or the MAC...... ....Before semi-automatics and crack.... ....Before Playstation, SEGA, Super Nintendo, even before Atari... ....Before cell phones, CD's, DVD's, voicemail and e-mail.... ....way back.... ....way.....way.....way back..... I'm talkin' bout hide and seek at dusk Red light, Green light Red Rover....Red Rover..... Playing kickball & dodgeball until the first...no...second...no...third Streetlight came on Ring around the Rosie London Bridge Hot potato Hop Scotch Jump rope Duck....duck....GOOSE!!! YOU'RE IT!! Parents stood on the front porch and yelled (or whistled) for you to come home - no pagers or cell phones Mother May I? Hula Hoops Seeing shapes in the clouds Endless summer days and hot summer nights (no A/C) with the windows open The sound of crickets Running through the sprinkler Cereal boxes with that GREAT prize in the bottom Cracker jacks with the same thing Ice pops with 2 sticks you could break and share with a friend ...but wait.....there's more.... Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons Fat Albert, Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man, Schoolhouse Rock Watchin' Sunday morning oldies (Abbott & Costello, Three Stooges) Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos FONZIE.....AYYYYYYYY Playing Dukes of Hazard Christmas morning Your first day of school Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses Climbing trees Swinging as high as you could to try and reach the sky Getting an Ice Cream off the Good Humor Truck A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers Jumpin' down the steps Jumpin' on the bed Pillow fights Sleep-overs A 13" black and white TV in your room meant you were RICH Runnin' till you were out of breath Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt Being tired from PLAYING WORK: meant taking out the garbage or doing the dishes Your first crush Your first kiss (I mean the one that you kept your mouth CLOSED and your eyes OPEN Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7UP" or hangman" in the classroom, Remember that? Oh, I'm not finished yet.... Kool-Aid was the drink of the summer So was a swig from the hose Giving your friends a ride on your handlebars Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school Class Field Trips with soggy sandwiches When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance; and another quarter a MIRACLE When ANY parent could discipline ANY kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries...And nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of em! Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that!" Well, let's keep going!! Let's go back to the time when... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "monopoly" Catching polywogs could happily occupy a morning It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier than Mom Scrapes and bruises were kissed by mom or grandma and made better It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true (or for some of us . . . getting a foot in the snow!) Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare" Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older siblings were your worst tormentors, but also your fiercest protector If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...... I TRIPLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!! ~Mrs.Piano Man~ [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  Happily Ever After! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:13:19 03/29/07 Thu A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple." The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America , " explained the Man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead" I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?!" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Watermelon anyone? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:10:33 03/29/07 Thu Hot Day In Arkansas It was a miserable hot day in Arkansas, and these two black ladies were walking down the street when one says to the other, "Eloise, honey,it is so hot out here today, why don't we take off our panties so's we be cool?" Eloise says, "Oh I don't know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed." So they walk on a bit further and pretty soon Mary Jane says, "Eloise, honey, I just can' t stand this heat. We jess got's to take off our panties so's we be cool." And Eloise says, "Mary Jane, I juss can't, I be too embarrassed." So they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a slice of watermelon. "Look at dat. I bet she's cool.' And Mary Jane says, "Less go axe her." "Big fat Mama, yo sittin up here on de poche of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to yo navel, no panties on and eatin dat watermelon...tells us... is you cool?" And the woman says, "Honey child...I don't no nuffin bout being cool,but it sho do keep de flies off my watermelon [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Only a husband would try this | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:10:15 03/29/07 Thu Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great girt for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversaty, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought th edevice and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteris in the darn thing an dpushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electrisity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!! there I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such asweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in the other. the directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm lookine at this little device measuring about 5" long, less that 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, master," reaseoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%@*!!!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking upp on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. the cat was standing over my making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I'm still looking fo rmy testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, Tommy [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Last one I promise just had to share a few laughs | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:41:04 03/29/07 Thu Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you just don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Rich and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: I laughed till I crapped. | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:23:43 03/29/07 Thu Fart Football. > > An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas > and says, "Seven Points." > > His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" > > The old man replied, "It's fart football." > > A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says" Touchdown, tie score." > > After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. > I'm ahead 14 to 7." > > Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie > score." > > Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, > I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. > > He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat > is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally > poops in the bed. > > The wife says, "What the hell was that?" > > The old man says, "Half time, switch sides." > [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: High price of gas!!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:19:59 03/29/07 Thu Did you hear the one about the lady who pulled into the full service gas station, and asked the attendent for $5.00 worth of gas? He squirted some gas behind her ear, and asked if she needed her windshield washed and water checked!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Check out this Birthday Calculator! You decide if you believe in this stuff or not. Either way~ its amusing! Have a great day! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:30:27 03/28/07 Wed http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Gotta' love old guys! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:48:53 03/28/07 Wed I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock". I was just wondering if you were my son. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Italian Spaghetti | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:46:47 03/27/07 Tue A man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Lifesavers | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:45:42 03/27/07 Tue A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say: Red......................Cherry Yellow.................Lemon Green...................Lime Orange.................Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," she said,"I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father. "One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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