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| Subject: Eve's story from ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:55:45 03/25/07 Sun Eve's Side of the Story: After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. ... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. "That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put the useless boob?" Now doesn't that make more sense than that whole rib story? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Discovery Channel ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:20:42 03/24/07 Sat A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" " Well, it looks like we're about half way there, " he replied. " Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  Interesting! ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:38:40 03/24/07 Sat Check out www.freemosquitoringtones.org/ This is a website which allows kids to download ringtones which are out of the hearing range of most adults. A friend of mines hubby who is a teacher at our local college discussed it with his students today in class...a little while later during class he noticed that his students kept looking back at a guy on his computer. The student had found the above website and was testing out the ringtones. The teacher couldn't hear them but his students could. The teacher could only hear the ringtone at the 50 year old level. (My friend had been telling the hubby he been going deaf...this is proof of it...too much loud music in his ears...okay, I guess that his head cold has not helped his hearing.) I myself, was right on target by hearing the 14.1khz tone. I could "kinda' - sorta'" hear the 14.9khz tone, but only if I was listening for it. This is pretty neat! Check it out! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Have a ??~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:14:21 03/23/07 Fri Since I trust you guys thought I'd ask a ??? Dd is doing Elite Miss, you can enter the covergirl contest for free with early bird, its also the program book entry picture. ?? is would you enter the same picture for photogenic entry? We don't have many pictures taken and the one I have is really good but not sure if should have photogenic entry in the program book Thanks Lisa [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  Group Therapy ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:39:19 03/22/07 Thu A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with 4 young moms & their small children. You all have obsessions, he observed. To the 1st mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy. He turned to the 2nd mother, Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny. He turns to the 3rd mother. Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy. At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand & whispers.Come on, Dick, we're leaving. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Just Too Funny .... ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:48:14 03/22/07 Thu REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK? WELL THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE  LAUGHTER WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Maude & Claude by ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:35:36 03/21/07 Wed Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts..... Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Hey, what happened to all the games that used to be on here, like the map game, that whack the penguin one, etc. I loved those, anyone have more? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:27:02 03/20/07 Tue [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: The Irish DUI test ... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:12:08 03/20/07 Tue Needless to say but the jail house was FULL after St. Patricks Day [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Jogging can be pretty amusing ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:51:27 03/19/07 Mon Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton . This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell,"Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!" One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough,there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... See what you get for five bucks!?" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: I AM HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY SO PLEASE EXCUSE THE SHOUTING.... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:21:35 03/18/07 Sun CAN TWO LEO'S HAVE A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE?? HUBBY AND I ARE HAVING WORDS OVER SOMETHING SO STUPID AS HIS MINI TRIP HE IS TAKING. ( I GET ONE BY MYSELF TOO WITHOUT HIM OR KIDS THATS OUR ANNIVERSARY PRESENT TO EACH OTHER) WELL TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL THIS WEEK AND STILL HAVE $302.99 IN MEDICINE I HAVE TO GET. I SAID WHY DON'T WE POST PONE YOUR TRIP A MONTH PAY OFF A FEW MORE BILLS AND GET MY MED SO WE DONT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING. DO YOU KNOW THAT RAT BASTARD THREW A FIT AND A TEMPER TANTRUM LIKE A 2 YR OLD?? LIKE HIS LITTLE TRIP IS MORE IMPORTANT THEN MY HEALTH. I AM READY TO SAY F HIS TRIP AND IF HE WANTS TO GO ON THE THING LET HIM PAY FOR IT HIS DAM SELF! OK THERE I VENTED HAVE A GOOD NIGHT LADIES AND SWEET DREAMS!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  So very sad ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:24:52 03/17/07 Sat "Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest willy the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor."I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now...what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Ed replied. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Have a happy period?!? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 07:49:45 03/16/07 Fri I remember a post that somebody made on here about a year ago, saying that the makers of Always pads had started putting this little message on the pads about "Have a Happy Period". I bought a package today and noticed they no longer post the stupid little message! Obviously a man thought to put that message on there. A man who has never had to have a week long period, with the pains of cramps upon him, bringing vivid rememberances of childbirth pains, along with headaches and sore breasts. Maybe a group of ladies like ourselves waged a successful campaign to have the message taken off. Who knows? Maybe someday the makers of condoms will stick a little curse on the condoms saying, "May this condom break, and you get a disease which renders you impotnant forever to save the sanity of women everywhere". [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Ladies...Tickling The Irish Ivory…. ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:33:17 03/16/07 Fri The LL’s IRISH PUB St. PATTY’s DAY Celebration Is Proud to Present The Man That’s Puts The Leprechaun In Your Lucky Charms the Rock In Your Shamrock the Fourth Leaf In Your Clover The One….. The Only….. PianO’Shay Man  Show at 9 PM (2 drinks minimum and please TIP you waiters… Groping them will cost Ya extra!!!!)  Happy St. Patrick's Day [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: A BIG BLOOPER! I THOUGHT ALL OF YOU WOULD ENJOY THIS!!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:04:19 03/15/07 Thu I SENT THIS BELOW AS A MASS E-MAIL TO ALOT OF PAGEANT MOMS EARLY THIS MORNING. I GOT A RESPONSE FROM A MOM WHO STATED SHE DEFINETLY IS COMING FOR RULE NUMBER 4 I WENT AND LOOKED AND OH MY WHAT A BLOOPER! LOL Supreme package covers Beauty, Casual Wear, Easter Wear, Best Eyes, hair, smile, Personality, Overall Most Beautiful, and Overall Casual wear, Overall Easter Wear, Holiday Composite. You do not have to do a composite it is a separate title, already included in your fees but not added in for Supremes! Also included in the Supreme Package EVERY contestant gets a Build a Bear, Easter Egg Hunt, 3 selections off the Prize table and one door badge for a parent to attend. You only need to compete in the included events in the supreme Package. The Extra Optional events are Optional meaning you do not have to enter them. The Extra events are Grand Partners and Photogenic. You are not required to enter these. However if you choose to you are permitted and they can be doubled crowned. Double Crowned means you paid Extra to enter these therefore if you win another Crown/Title and you win these you can receive more than one title. Ambassador Title is given to the one Contestant who brings in the most Books, Crayons or coloring books. Every contestant who brings in 10 will be recognized on stage! The one bringing in the most will receive a LARGE Custom Crown, Sash and the Title Of Heavenly Angels Ambassador! This can also be double Crowned! Ultimate Grand, Grand Supremes, Mini Supremes, Novice Supremes, Overall Casual Wear, Overall Easter Wear, Overall Easter Composite and Most Beautiful/Most Handsome and Beauty Winners will not be Doubled crowned. Meaning you cannot win more than one of these titles just mentioned. (However you can still win Grand Partners and Photogenic) Registration is Friday Night; you will receive your Build A Bear at Registration, Contestant Number and Pay Balances due at this time. Balances due must be handed in as Cash! I use this to pay for the Hotel and Expenses for the pageant weekend. NO CHECKS FROM ANYONE ALLOWED! Money orders and Cashiers checks will only be accepted as Registration Fees. A few last minute reminders: 1. You may provide your own music for Easter wear, Have it on a CD 2. Beauty can not be a Pageant Dress, Sunday Best, Easter Dress, or Flower girl type dresses permitted as long as they are not longer than tea-length 3. NO MAKE-up permitted on contestants for Beauty or Casual Wear on Contestants ages’ 10-under. 4. CASUAL WEAR must be as is off the rack for the top and bottom. You may NOT ADD anything to these pieces. However you may accessorize hair, cocks, shoes etc: 5. Balances at the door please pay in cash. DO NOT BRING CHECKS they will not be accepted! 6. Build A Bear comes with Supreme package. You may purchase additional Animals at the pageant. Also you may purchase outfits for $10.00 each. We have A LOT to choose from. 7. Contestant Party do not forget your gift for the basket exchange! Please be age appropriate. Bring an Easter basket filled with goodies for someone in your age division. Fill it with items such as ,younger kids Stuffed animal-Book-etc, older kids—barbie dolls, cars—trucks—Candy—lip glosses—A lot of different items can filled put in basket! 8. Finally do not forget items for Ambassador drive—We are collecting Books, Crayons, Coloring books, Soft books for the Children’s Shriners Hospital. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: can someone tell me the photo contest prediction board? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:16:43 03/14/07 Wed [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Pastor's a$$ ~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:31:30 03/14/07 Wed Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered! the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next ! day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN . The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is...being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: From Sally the Cable Chick | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:46:51 03/14/07 Wed Subject: customer feed-back To: MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE. Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore,you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness, actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never beanything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep... ALWAYS! Best,Wendi Aarons Austin, TX [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Having problems with your kids? Take heart....~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:31:05 03/14/07 Wed Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!" " No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit! " Said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied. Wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you? " Said the Father. "I don't know," Said Eve. "She started it! " Adam said. "Did not! " "Did too! " "DID NOT! " Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, What makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  True or False? ~ Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 00:23:31 03/14/07 Wed VIRGO:. The Virgin Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. SCORPIO:. The sex addict Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. LIBRA:. The lame lover Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Spontaneous. Horny. Erotic. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed!! Will blow your mind. Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you wanna %&(@ with...you might end up crying. The most irresistible. ARIES:. The Liar Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to %&(@ with. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships.=) Addictive. Loud. best in bed. AQUARIUS:. Does it in the water Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! GEMINI:. Does Twosomes Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the %&(@ out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. LEO:. The Lion in bed Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. CANCER:. The Cutie - YES, YES , YES IN DEED!!! MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high sex appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. PISCES:. The Piece of ass Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high sex appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. CAPRICORN The passionate Lover Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. TAURUS The Tramp Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy. Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Are the most sexiest people on earth! SAGITTARIUS:. The Sexy one Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna with you might end up crying. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: From ~Sally the Cable Chick~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:46:29 03/13/07 Tue Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop. When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: things to think about~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:09:04 03/13/07 Tue THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life Teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend The next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward For not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why Some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word What you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties Is to remind yourself that there are children More awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, But they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your Nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: A Pre-School Test and a kindergartener's artistic rendering…. ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:22:46 03/12/07 Mon First the test PRE-SCHOOL TEST Pre-school children were asked the following question: "In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"  Look carefully at the picture. Do you know the answer? (The only possible answers are "left" or "right.") Think about it. Still don't know? Okay, I'll tell you. The pre-schoolers all answered "left." When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?" They answered: "Because you can't see the door." How do you feel now??? I know, me too.  NOW The Rendering... (An email from a friend) For all you mom's.....and people who love to laugh ...this is one for the fridge !!!! ??? "This is my kindergartener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors I wonder what his teacher thought. And I am so darned proud of myself I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started to cry from laughing so hard."  [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I Hope this does not offend anyone just had to share. | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 05:35:41 03/12/07 Mon Voodo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big f^@$!#* deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: LOOKING FOR SEX...................... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:16:25 03/11/07 Sun Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!" When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up Friday. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Not exactly funny but it would be if you could see it LOL!!! Saggy Baggy | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:33:37 03/09/07 Fri Wondering if anyone had any tips. All of a sudden after ten years my dog has recently started realizing what I do in the bathroom. She suddenly associates me going to the bathroom with her going to the bathroom. And almost every time I sit down on the toilet (especially in the morning)she decides she has to go outside (even if she has just been out) and goes crazy the whole time I am using it. She barks, runs around, begs etc until I get out of the bathroom and put her out. First of all how did she figure out what I was doing there-its not like I am peeing outside LOL Second why? Third any tips on getting her to stop. I finally have my children semi-trained to let me pee in peace and now the dog feels like its her turn to act crazy when I am in the bathroom. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: ok i have a question for all you pageant moms! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:21:00 03/08/07 Thu my daughter was in a pageant she is 6 months old she was given 8's in projection and overall appearance! Not once did she cry of course shes not able to wave and blow kisses or play patacake or anything like that yet either! Well when the pageant was over and i looked at score sheets i saw the eights and well was wondering what we could of done to improve on that! So i asked the judges and this was the response! The baby is beautiful her dress matched her perfectly but shes a baby and will grow into the whole pageantry thing theres nothing you can do to improve!! I was seriously not happy not because my baby didnt win but because the judge said this I mean from my experience in pageants a judge is supposed to give you advice if scores such as that were given and well i got absolutely nothing it was a glitz pageant and I just wanted to make sure that I'm not the only one who thinks that these judges shouldn't be judging! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I am not a golfer- But THIS IS SOME FUNNY STUFF!!! ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:07:46 03/08/07 Thu Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!" Then POOF!.....she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend; 'Fred, where are you?" Fred yelled back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Dave shouted back, "DON'T SWING, FRED; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  A rare medical condition (that I would not mind having!!) ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 11:44:44 03/08/07 Thu A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; When ever I sneeze I have an orgasm.." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: kids say the darnest things~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:24:12 03/08/07 Thu Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, " Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. -------------------------------------------- An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr.. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke in to the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" -------------------------------------------- A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." -------------------------------------------- A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys? Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" -------------------------------------------- A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ------------------------------------------- At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on Mike,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." ---------------------------------------------- And my personal favorite - A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: new meds for women~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 13:07:32 03/07/07 Wed NEW MEDICATIONS FOR WOMEN DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. " BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: ANGEL GIRL with a good one | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:26:10 03/07/07 Wed Fw: IRS >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >Subject: IRS >>> >>> >>> >>> >> The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him >>> >>> to the IRS office. The >>> >>> >> IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up >>> >>> with his attorney. >>> >>> >> >>> >>> >> So the auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an >>> >>> extravagant lifestyle and >>> >>> >> no full-time employment, which you explain by >>> >>> saying that you win money >>> >>> >> gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that >>> >>> believable. >>> >>> >> >>> >>> >> "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says >>> >>> Ralph. "How about a >>> >>> >> demonstration?" >>> >>> >> The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay, >>> >>> go ahead." >>> >>> >> Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that >>> >>> I can bite my left >>> >>> >> eye." >>> >>> >> The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! >>> >>> It's a bet." Ralph >>> >>> >> removes his glass eye and bites it. >>> >>> >> The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll >>> >>> bet you two thousand >>> >>> >> dollars that I can bite my other eye." >>> >>> >> >>> >>> >> The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he >>> >>> takes the bet. Ralph >>> >>> >> removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The >>> >>> stunned auditor now realizes >>> >>> >> he has wagered and lost three grand,with Ralph's >>> >>> attorney as a witness. He >>> >>> >> starts to get nervous. >>> >>> >> >>> >>> >> "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph says. "I'll >>> >>> bet you six thousand >>> >>> >> dollars that I can stand on one side of your >>> >>> desk, and pee into the >>> >>> >> wastebasket on the other side of it, and never >>> >>> get a drop anywhere in >>> >>> >> between." >>> >>> >> >>> >>> >> The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but >>> >>> he looks carefully and >>> >>> >> decides there's no way this guy can manage that >>> >>> stunt, so he agrees >>> >>> >> again. >>> >>> >> >>> >>> >> Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his >>> >>> pants, but although he >>> >>> >> strains mightily, he cannot make the stream reach >>> >>> the wastebasket on other >>> >>> >> side, so he pretty much urinates all over the >>> >>> auditor's desk. >>> >>> >> >>> >>> >> The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has >>> >>> just turned a major >>> >>> >> loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans >>> >>> and puts his head in his >>> >>> >> hands. >>> >>> >> "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. >>> >>> >> "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, >>> >>> when Ralph told me he'd >>> >>> >> been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty >>> >>> thousand dollars that he could >>> >>> >> come in here and piss all over an IRS official's >>> >>> desk and that you'd be happy >>> >>> >> about it... >>> >>> >>> >> > > [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: for my friends | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:43:02 03/06/07 Tue I've more or less been doing nothing , but oh well. Basically nothing seems worth thinking about, but such is life. I don't care. I haven't been up to much. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: MOMS:My dd has to do a western wear routine.She is 8.Any suggestions on moves? | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:32:43 03/06/07 Tue We do not have a coach right now and this will be her first time. We know the guns, the rope, shimmy...any other ideas or suggestions? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: my daughter is out of pageants now, and this is the only board I'm still on (click in) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:28:06 03/06/07 Tue my sister is thinking of putting my niece in her first pageant and I no longer have links to boards where I can ask about a pageant. Does anyone know of any good pageant rating boards? TIA [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: funeral procession~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:10:45 03/05/07 Mon woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: retirement~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:07:47 03/05/07 Mon If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
Subject:  Would you do it?? I saw this on another board and I wondered if any of you CRAZY pageant moms would be willing to do it?? <lol> ~Sugar Cookie | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22:01:20 03/05/07 Mon PAGEANT CASTING FOR NATIONAL NETWORK TV -- tv.casting@yahoo.com, Friday 02/16/07 12:03:02pm [1] PAGEANT CASTING FOR NATIONAL NETWORK TV tv.casting@yahoo.com NOW CASTING MOTHERS AND THEIR DAUGHTERS TO COMPETE AS A TEAM IN AN EXCITING NEW BEAUTY PAGEANT! We're currently on a nation wide search for mothers and their grown up daughters (MUST BE AT LEAST 18!) to compete together as a team in a one-of-a-kind beauty pageant on The CW Network. The mother-daughter team will take home a valuable prize package, including a $100,000 cash award and, of course, a fabulous pair of tiaras. We're looking for teams with ANY or NO amount of pageant experience; so don't worry if you've NEVER competed before! Whether you're a pageant girl from way back, or someone who can't imagine donning a sash, this competition is for you! We're redefining what it means to be a pageant winner so while conventional physical beauty counts; talent, personality, fitness, confidence and inner beauty are all important elements that will determine the winning mother-daughter team. APPLY NOW and show America that your mother/daughter team has what it takes to be CROWNED! If you are interested in applying, please e-mail tv.casting@yahoo.com for more information and details. Please be sure to attach a photo of the mother and daughter (together or individually), as well as ages, hometown, any pageant experience, and anything else you want us to know that may help set you apart from other applicants. Please be sure the subject line is CROWNED so the e-mail gets immediate attention. If we think you are a good contender, we will get back to you with further information. Thanks and we look forward to hearing from you! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 16:08:06 03/04/07 Sun This story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us. "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too ?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those A#*h%@*# at Home Depot ever deliver the F@&king sheet rock..." Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: I think I saw some of these at the Dollar store, I hope some director doesnt start handing them out for prizes! LOL Hugs, Lainey :o) | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:33:22 03/04/07 Sun REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOKS The following is a list of children's books that didn't quite make it to the printing press... 1. You Are Different and That's Bad 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables 3. Dad's New Wife Robert 4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book 6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking 7. Julie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence 9. All Cats Go to Hell 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched 11. Some Kittens Can Fly 12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption 13. Grandpa Gets a Casket 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia 16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way 19. You Were an Accident 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will 21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games 22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan 23. Your Nightmares Are Real 24. Mamma's on crack and I don't care 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School 26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Walking Improves Your Health? Love, Ursula | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:15:18 03/04/07 Sun My sentiments exactly... unfortunately. -----Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: A woman went to her doctor........................... | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 21:48:31 03/03/07 Sat A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Angel Girl Here with a joke | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 01:26:40 03/02/07 Fri A MUST READ / Blonde joke The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her. She said, " I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy." She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her howshe knew. She said.... (You're going to love this!) "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: gov. jobs ~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:43:37 03/01/07 Thu A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies: |
| Subject: found this on another board and thought it was worth sharing~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 20:43:47 02/28/07 Wed A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?" God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you." The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy." God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy." Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you t he most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak." "And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray." "Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life." "But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you." At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name." God said, "You will simply call her, "Mom." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Help!~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 19:26:06 02/28/07 Wed Ok I need help cause I think the devil's chasing me!!! The kids and I gave up ice cream (and me chocolate candy as well) and guess what showed up tonight in my email box..... A MESSAGE FROM BEN AND JERRY'S!! Just thought it was too funny a week after promising to give it up...up pop ice cream ads!!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Court Case of The Pregnant Lady... ~Mr. Man~ | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:36:10 02/28/07 Wed ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659--- A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!" [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Important health message~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 10:29:42 02/28/07 Wed American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: country wisdom (some of these are good)~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:52:21 02/28/07 Wed Don't name a pig you plan to eat. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plough around the stump. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled. Meanness don't happen overnight. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. Don't sell your mule to buy a plough. Don't corner something meaner than you. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. You can't unsay a cruel thing. Every path has some puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens. Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't judge people by their relatives. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. It's better to be a has-been than a never-was. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. Only cows know why they stampede. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped. Never miss a good chance to shut up. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: How a 7 year old explains sex | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12:09:16 02/27/07 Tue Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.The eel spit on her face a little bit and then, All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
| Subject: Classes for the guys...but I know some ladies who need some of these, including myself! ~lil' lady | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:38:14 02/27/07 Tue CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, November 20, 2007 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM . Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM . Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. Upon completion of any of the above courses, Diplomas will be issued to the survivors. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: Pageant Empty Nester | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 09:33:01 02/27/07 Tue I'm having a pageant crisis!! Here's my situation... My dd is 17 going on 18 and I don't get to see her do anything anymore. She use to do be a competitive dancer, a pageant girl and a competitive cheerleader. Now, she is doing academic decathalon (which is 6 hours of testing on one subject), which I can't help her with or go see her do. She has a job. She is only taking two jazz technique classes and a hip-hop class this year so that she'll be ready to try out for the dance squad in college. She won't be in a recital this year. Although she wants to try out for So You Think You Can Dance, I'm pretty sure they don't let mom's watch the auditions. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm VERY VERY PROUD of everything my dd is doing, I use to LIVE to watch her perform and participate in her activities. Now, not only do I not see her "do" anything, I hardly see her at all!! Most nights she doesn't come home until 9-10 o'clock because she is busy with work, busy with school, busy with her boyfriend. Even though she is going to minor in dance when she goes to college-major in business management-I still won't be able to see her perform because the college she wants to go to is 5 1/2 hours away!! I think this would all be much easier to deal with, if I hadn't been such a fan of dance and pageants my entire life. I mean, before my dd was born, and I'm talking WAY before I watched a 20/20 report about the Cinderella pageant. My baby cousin did a pageant back in the early 80's, my sister is a former ballet dancer and actress, my older cousin went to Barbizon back when that meant something. My dd and my neice both did Sunburst in like 92. All I'm use to is watching people act, dance and do pageants. It's all I know and what I enjoy. I'm STILL mad at ABC for dropping Miss America. I DEVOUR every report, newshow or special that has to do with dancing, acting and pageants--at the age of 43, I turn to MTV every Monday night to watch "Dancelife". Help me out, guys, I need a support group. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: don't mess with women~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 08:46:03 02/27/07 Tue This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!! A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!" and doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED! The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: why men don't write to Dear Abby~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23:27:01 02/26/07 Mon The following letter to Abby probably explains why men seldom have their letters actually printed in the newspaper (is Dear Abby still in the newspaper)? Oh well: Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. Some signs: 1) The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. 2) My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently. 3) When I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car around the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was, and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley-Davidson next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer? Thanks, Bob [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: 20 ways to maintain healthy insanity level~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 18:13:10 02/26/07 Mon 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face. 11 Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM , Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's Called! Therapy [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: New minister~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 17:56:59 02/26/07 Mon SIPPING VODKA A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do! not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" 12 The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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Subject:  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! I hate getting on here and seeing that the "NUMBNUTZ" of the world have invaded OUR space!! | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:39:29 02/26/07 Mon Message to the folks posting worthless crap: If I wanted to buy Cialis I could find it easily on the web- But my sex life is fine. THANK YOU VERY MUCH! (It is also none of your freakin' business!) If I needed the companship of someone I would buy a dog (for company) or a bigger vibrator. So shove your ONLINE dating up your ass. As for your comment "I haven't been up to anything , not that it matters. Basically nothing seems important, but I guess it doesn't bother me. Not much on my mind to speak of. Today was a loss, but maybe tomorrow." GO ON OPRAH you WIMP! Now.. could you just allow us our message board and go to hell??? Signed- Sugar Cookie [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: A little Trivia for ya ladies | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:36:59 02/26/07 Mon In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" ------------------------------------------- Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury. ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------------------------------------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ------------------------------------------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this....) ------------------------------------------- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ----------------------------------------------------------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ------------------------------------------------------------ The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ------------------------------------------------------------ The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. ---------------------------------------------------------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ------------------------------------------------------------ If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ------------------------------------------------------------Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession --- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand ----------------------------------------------------------------------! ------------------ Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q! . What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ---------------------------------! ----------------------------------------------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ------------------------------------------------------------ In Shakespeare' s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulle d on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." ------------------------------------------------------------ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.. ------------------------------------------------------------ In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" ------------------------------------------------------------ Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! ------------------------------------------------------------ Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] Replies:
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| Subject: the job~tiggerrrt | |
Author: Anonymous [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 15:30:24 02/26/07 Mon A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshitting' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it." [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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