NBC's hiring policy for producers -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 22:24:20 12/09/06 Sat
Author: Evan Dowbiggin
Subject: NBC's hiring policy for producers
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Annette Benning's Monologue" on 21:49:16 12/09/06 Sat

Station manager and voice of Jeff Zucker: Darrell Hammond
Producer (Perry): Jason Sudekis
Director (Mark): Seth Meyers
Leo Fleming: Andy Samberg
Entertainment guy Chip Chapman: Will Forte
Co-anchor Dave Choi-Sanchez: Fred Armisen
Co-anchor Lynn Takizuma-St. Pierre: Kristen Wiig
Sports lady Harriet Stalinski: Amy Poehler
Resident urban specialist Shaun Ahmed Muhammed: Keenan Thompson
Guard: Bill Hader

(SUPER: A North Carolina TV station, 2000)
Producer: Alright, ok, everyone settled? Anyone need coffee? Coffee? No? Good, good. No coffee... well, except for me actually. Ill need to go pour myself some.

Director: Yeah, Perry. Youve had four today, and thats just what I�ve seen you drink since you got here... 45 minutes late might I add.

Producer: Ha, well what can you do about the construction, eh? Maybe I shouldve taken the bus.

Director: You live across the street, Perry.

Producer: Exactly! Thats how awful that construction was. Its gone now, dont bother to look.

Director: I already have.

Producer: You... did? (uneasy) Um, great... Taxpayers money wasted again, huh? (sighs) Yeah, Im still gonna need some coffee (goes over to pour some)

Director: Anyway, until Perrys back let me mention that in our meeting today we are going to talk about what were gonna do to retool the show. As producer, I think Perrys comments should be taken with some weight.

Producer: Hey, was that a crack on my waistline? Hehehe, Im kidding Mark its okay. You dont need to remind me Im a fat ass, I know. (pats him on the back)

Director: Well, anyway well be talking about the promo commercials and what to present to the viewing audience. Because today is the first day of our new logo and our new aim, inform and entertain!

Producer: To put it more simply, infotain!
(room cracks up a bit)

Weather guy: And I'll inforain!

Producer: You just let me come up with the tag lines, got that Leo? (chugs his entire cup of coffee looking pissed) (sighs) Well, now lets take a look at all your promos in this commercial we shot Friday.

(promo runs, showing shots of the news team in various serious and happy group poses)
Announcer: When the competition just doesnt cut it... when the TV news is so boring, you�d rather play sharades... when it happens, we happen! Channel 10s evening news team! Our metorologist Leo Fleming.

Leo: Raindrops keep falling on your head? But that doesnt mean you didnt know this fact ahead... of time! Thanks to our weather tracking expertise.

(show Leo smiling at his clip, while producer looks over with a pitying glare and shakes his head)
Announcer: Entertainment correspondent Chip Chapman.

Chip: I take a chip off the old Hollywood boardwalk, and make you understand the latest divorces, celebrity pregnancies and pre-nuptual agreements.

Announcer: Sports go-to-girl Harriet Stalinski

Harriet: Its a wild and whacky world of sports out there but Ill never be a clown when it comes to giving you, the low down... and the FIRST DOWN (does hand signal for 1st down, blows a whistle)

(show producer wired on coffee, running hand through his hair frustratedly)
Announcer: Our new urban expert, Shaun Ahmed Muhammed!

Shaun: For all you players and smooth operators, check out my take on the hip hop world and Ill get you feeling off the hizzle. No matter who ya are, youll want to be suckin on gin and juice, fo real.

Announcer: And Channel 10 co-anchors, Dave Choi-Sanchez and Lynn Takizuma-St. Pierre.

Together: When TV happens to be boring, we happen to be scoring... the real story!

Lynn: Well make you feel like family.

Dave: Thats right. But we wont bring up your hated mother-in-law at the dinner table!
(both smile and act perky)

(producer is drinking more coffee, head buried in his arms, banging on table repeatedly)
Announcer: So when-

(video stops as producer presses stop on VCR)
Producer: Why, why, why WHY? This is like Barney the freakin Dinosaur here! Did I sanction this? No, no. Nobody asked me.

Director: Y-you wrote it, Perry.

Producer: But I didnt intend to have it filmed!

Director: Then why did you write it at all?

Producer: Well, geez, I mean. NOT LIKE THAT!!! (whiny) It was so... high on prozac! Uuugh, I mean lets get real here.

Dave: Wow, just... wow. Lynn, you looked adorable.

Harriet: Oh yeah, Meg Ryan move your washed-up ass on over cause here comes Lynn!

Lynn: Ah thanks, you guys. I did look really presentable.

Producer: Thats right, Lynn you did... TO NED FLANDERS!!!

Director: I think they look reeeally good in that promo, Perry.

Producer: (looking like his thoughts are lost) Wha? Oh, yeah. But look, Ive created a little backup tape over the weekend for what we should do. Ok, check out this (stands up, puts in new video and plays it. It shows similar shots of the crew but in less flattering, in-between on-air poses around the studio that make them look bored, tired and depressed)

Producers voice announcing: The Channel 10 evening news team; We wont curse, we wont show cheap nudity, we wont offend... unless you want us to. And boy are we capable. Our big bad weather daddy, Leo Fleming has something to add for all of you, just look at the sexy beast! Hes the only white meterologist in the state... that wishes he was black. It�s true (pics of him off-camera dressed like a wigger). No brothers would dare challenge him. Hes the blackest of the wiggah weathermen and hes not afraid to say it loud and proud, James Brown style! Get off on the good foot! ( the song Get off on the Good Foot plays as Leon is shown pointing out the pressure movements)
(Leo�s horrified face is shown and he mouths complaints to the others)

Producer�s voice: But thats just the tip of the kick ass iceberg. Chip Chapman gives you entertainment. He doesnt care if his girlfriend just left him cause hes never home, he will hang out at the red carpet and schmooze all night with people more important than him. Then when he sneaks in the back door at the after party's open bar, he is so dedicated he sometimes cries like a girl over a round of brandy alexanders (shows pic of Chip weeping in his office)!
(Chip also looks shocked)

Producer�s voice: Harriet Stalinsky, shes what you want guys! Check out her sports roundup. She�s a baaaad little girl, she�s so bad her real last name is Stalin... she only changed it to Stalinsky cause the man thinks that her real name is somehow offensive and demeaning! Wanna know something really bad? She isnt related to Josef Stalin, but she agrees with his policies! And she�ll be bad for you too. Harriet describes her love of sports this way, quote �I will show you what sport is all about. No matter what kind of balls (suggestive pic of her holding baseballs in her palms with a smile is shown), I�ll analyze and stay attached to it till my mouth is sore (pic of her eating a hot dog in her office)... from talking. I go deep and long to get the scoop... haha, no not like that fellas I didnt say hard and fast for 50 bucks an hour.� Oh yeah, you go Harriet!
(Harriet looks distraught)

Producer: Our urban specialist Shaun Ahmed Muhammed? Unlike Leo he�s actually black, but some say he acts a bit like a Bryant Gumbel in the making. He would argue that point by showing you his criminal record. Arson and break and entering is on his resume and who better to bring you the urban report than a man whose done jail time for bootlegging whiskey and community service for stealing an old lady�s wheelchair? When he got his last felony reduced to a house arrest, he changed his last name to Muhammed to seem like a former football player so the NFL Network might hire him. Rich Eisen still hasnt called.
(Shaun gets upset and stands up)

Shaun: What in the hell do you think you�re doing, man!? None of that is true you hear me!? Everything is a damn lie, except the part about the old ladys wheelchair! I mean, what else could I do? My bro Ladanian had a torn ACL in his knee! (Director holds him back)

Producer: Wait, it gets better, calm down.

Producer�s voice on video: Then our anchor team is one you can count on. There�s David Choi-Sanchez. We cant figure out if it�s his ethnic heritage or the surnames of his wife! A man so dedicated to the rights of women, he took on her maiden name despite 90% of the public thinking thats a wussy thing to do. And Lynn Fukizama-St. Pierre. Her name sounds like the battle Napoleon didn�t get far enough through Eurasia to fight in! And these two you can trust for straight ahead, honest news because when it comes to chemistry, theres no sexual chemistry between these two. (clips of them talking at the desk are shown) Look at them, sitting 10 feet apart. Lynn prefers to just pivot her neck around to look at him rather than even bother to move the rest of her body as if her ribs were broken. And he looks away when he sees her distracting cleavage! I�m guessing down in their nether-regions, its like an Antartican tundra when they get together! Oh and to be equal to Leo and Shaun, Dave and Lynn are the epitome of white trash in their spare time (shows them in their offices wearing track suits and cowboy hats).

(David and Lynn look at each other confused)

David: Its not true! I just respect you as a colleague, is that so wrong?

Lynn: No, it is not.... Hey, is my cleavage distracting?

David: Uh, uh...

Harriet: Hey, come on! Perry, are you joking around here? Mark, talk him out of this.

Director: Look, I just called in the station manager.

Producer: (excitedly) Yeah? Seriously? (pumped up) Oh, baby! Sweet! This is the break I needed.

Director: Break?

Producer: Cant you see it? Im trying to get fired. This job is inhibiting my boyhood dream.

Harriet: YOU have a boyhood dream?

Producer: Yes... to be an interpretive performance artist in the streets of Madrid.

Leo: Really? Man, Perry are you having those problems with pills again?

Producer: What? No! Im fine, its just-

Chip: Oh no, Perry its gonna be just fine. We will help you get through this.

Shaun: You didnt mean that crap about me. I know you love everybody and wouldnt make statements like that based on race. Come on, show me some love. (tries to hug him, but producer backs off)

Producer: Look, it doesnt matter your skin colour, Shaun. I hate you anyway! That�s right! I HATE YOU ALL!!!

Director: You dont hate us... trust me. We know this isnt the real you talking, its the Vicodin right?

David: That little voice in your head you call Mr. Vicodin doesn�t speak for you. He's not your friend. We know that!

Lynn: Step back from the brink, Perry. Please, you�re our producer.

Producer: Shut up! Shut up! I do not have a problem with vicodin this time.

(station manager walks in)
Manager: Ok, Mark told me what�s going on here Perry. This is insane, you need to settle down or else I might have to-

Producer: Let me go? Yeees, I mean, (covering up) oooh nooo. What will I do to feed my dog now?

Manager: Let you go!? Pffft. Oh please, youre a fine producer. It's obvious the pills are taking over your brain. But we believe in you, buddy. You can beat this.

Producer: I DONT WANT TO BEAT ANYTHING, GOT IT!? I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!!! WHY WON�T YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!?

Director: Hes right. We need to listen, its the best way to deal with it guys.

David: Im listening, Perry and I can tell your addictions must be very difficult to deal with.

Producer: Aaarrgh... Ok, I didnt think it would come to this
(pulls out bag full of stuff, drags out bag of drugs)

Producer: Look at this! See, you want me to be fired after this. (pours white substance on the desk) See this? I'm not sure, this is either china white heroin or peruvian cocaine. But i dont care. BECAUSE I WILL SNORT IT RIGHT NOW AND THEN GO DOWN THE HALL AND CONDUCT AN ANIMAL SACRIFICE IN THE VOICE-OVER STUDIO! THEN I WILL DRINK WATER OUT OF THE FOUNTAIN!
(everyone is befuddled)

Producer: THE FOUNTAIN OUTSIDE THE BUILDING!!! WHERE ALL THE DUCKS SWIM!! THEN ILL COME BACK INSIDE AND COUGH UP SOMETHING LIKELY DISEASED!

Manager: That's what the drugs would like you to do, Perry.

David: Look, its ok you made fun of my manliness, Perry. I know you are upset but more drugs are just gonna make it worse. No matter what happens, youll always be our producer.

Producer: (exasperated) No I will not! FIRE ME, ALREADY!!! I HATE MY JOB, HOW MUCH CLEARER CAN I MAKE IT?!!! Ok, I've been going at this from the wrong angle. Oh, wait a minute. Look, look. (drags out turban and puts it on) I PLEDGE MY ALLEGIANCE TO AL-QUEDA!!! DEATH TO AMERICA!!! SEE THIS, GOT IT? LONG LIVE OSAMA AND PRAISE BE TO ALLAH. SEE TO IT HE CRUSHES ALL INFIDELS! Is that good enough for ya bastards?

(everyone looks around confused)

Producer: (sighs) THAT MEANS DEATH TO ALL OF YOU TOO! God, you people are idiots.

Director: Come on, what makes you so certain everyones going to die? Did a gypsy tell you?

Producer: What? Good lord, ARE YOU PEOPLE THICKER THAN POSTS OR SOMETHING!? WOULD YOU WANT A TERRORIST WORKING FOR YOUR NETWORK!!?

Manager: No of course not, Perry. But you�re not a terrorist, you�re an average good American from Wisconsin.

Producer: Screw Wisconsin! I am now a hateful, danger to society. Do not tempt me to snap, because I will explode like a can of coke with pop rocks poured in it! (rubs his face in agony) Anyone hear ever seen Saw?

(everyone says no)
Producer: Hostel? Texas Chainsaw Massacre? No!? Well then this is new for you (drags out chainsaw and turns it on)

(show the rest splattered with blood as producer screams)
Producer: AAAAH, OOOOWW!!! I HAVE JUST SAWED OFF MY RIGHT HAND! ARE YOU HAPPY!!?

Manager: No! Of course no ones happy. Now wait, why would you do that, you�re left handed, Perry.

Producer: Oh, yeah youre right. (saws off the other hand) AAAHH GEEZ!!! HAND ME THE OTHER HAND!!! I guess Ill have this one sewn back on! Keep the drugs for all I care... Yeah, use em as evidence against me!

Director: Perry, please. I know you want our help but its hard to express that in your intoxicated state.

Producer: Noooo! I am not high or drunk. AND I DO NOT WANT YOUR HELP! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!? AARRGH (pulls out gun and starts shooting them all then runs off yelling) YOU CAN'T KEEP ME EMPLOYED HERE!!! I WONT STAY!

(skip to him in jail cell with his hand sewn back on, still wearing a turban and missing the other hand)
Guard: Phone call for you, sir.

(he leaves his cell and goes over to the phone)
Producer: Hello?

(on the other line, voice says)
Zucker: Hello, Perry Comrie? Im Jeff Zucker president of NBC. Ive seen the great work youve done for Channel 10 down there in North Carolina. And I was wondering; would you like to join our creative team at NBC here in New York?

Producer: NBC? This is so not right. The answer is no; No way. I would rather be an interpretive artist in Spain, sir.

Zucker: Sure, you can do that if you want in the streets of New York. Heck, we can even make you your own program if you want. Friday nights would be a good time slot. I mean, we have so much of GEs money we don�t know what to do with it. So we usually end up putting it on the toilet paper racks.

Producer: Are you serious? I can make a living producing still AND living my boyhood dream? But arent you worried about my murderous, psychotic behaviour that put me in jail?

Zucker: Doesn�t matter to me. Heck, we don't even know what you'l produce yet.

Producer: Oh, I hope it's that's delightful Will and Grace!

Zukcer: Will and who? Look, just come work for us, and trust me you wont have to do any more time. Youre far from the worst person weve attempted to hire you know. We once offered O.J. to return to the network and have his own talk show but he said he was too busy golfing. We even offered Jeffrey Dahmer the opportunity to pitch some show pilots to us. But, that didnt come to be needless to say. But you had your reasons I know, because we understand it was your crippling Vicodin addiction psychosis that caused your rampage.

Producer: Holy hell, it was not an addiction to... look, forget it. Forget all of it and let's move on.

Zucker: Got any ideas?

Producer: Uuuuh, how about a show about psychic monkeys?

Zucker: Hey, I like it. Anything else?

Producer: Well, Ive had this one awesome idea. How about a gameshow where there are several briefcases full of money and people can just guess to win the amount of money they want! No questions or skill needed. Oh, and hot women will hold the cases. And get one of those cheap, has-been comedians to host. Someone even more irritating than Regis Philbin, it always works.

Zucker: Hmmm, that just sounds terrible... honestly. I don' see any potential for this to work. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, nobody can top this show. It's a classic. Weve given up trying. Ok, well youre still hired. We could use your help to develop a new smash hit for us... this amazing new brand of football called the XFL.

Producer: The XFL? Sounds, uh... cool I think. I look forward to working with you.

Announcer: This has been another episode of "Behind the NBC Executive Suit: The Perry Comrie Story."

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