Annette Benning's Monologue -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: [1], 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 21:49:16 12/09/06 Sat
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Annette Benning's Monologue
In reply to: jennings 's message, "CO: The View" on 21:45:02 12/09/06 Sat

Tagline: Annette's new pet cockatoo gives her monologue the bird.

... Don Pardo (voice only)
... Annette Benning
Cockatoo (Voice)... Will Forte
... Lorne Michaels

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Annette Benning.

(Annette walks out onto home base to great applause. She is wearing a fancy dress, and perched on her left shoulder is a white cockatoo.)

Annette Benning: Wow, what a marvelous reception. Thank you so much for your hospitality. It's an honor to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.

Cockatoo: Rawk! It's a pleasure.

Annette Benning: Oh, sorry, I forgot to introduce my new little friend. This is Jerry. He's a yellow-crested cockatoo that Warren presented me with as an early Christmas gift. Isn't he adorable? (The audience claps and "awws") He's such an joy to have around that I had to bring him with me. (She sighs dreamily) Warren is a wonderful husband. He's so thoughtful.

Cockatoo: And a demon in the sack. (whistles)

(Annette does a double-take after hearing that comment. The audience laughs, and she looks rather embarassed)

Annette Benning (sheepishly): Uh, yes... anyway, I thought I'd share a little information about Jerry. As I said, he is a yellow-crested cockatoo, and he comes from the Indonesian island of Bali. Warren spotted him during a recent trip there for a film shoot...

Cockatoo: Not gonna tell you what film, but there are three x's in the rating. Ha ha!

Annette Benning (becoming more embarassed): ... and he knew I'd been looking for a pet, so he decided to take him home for me.

Cockatoo: I'm endangered, and illegal to own in this country.

Annette Benning: He... he called me and said he had a special present for me, and when I went to meet him at the airport, I spotted Warren with Jerry.

Cockatoo: It wasn't a very comfortable flight. (squaks) You try relaxing spending sixteen hours in Warren Beatty's colon. (loud) That's not how you smuggle exotic animals, moron!

Annette Benning (growing redder): Anyway... Jerry has been an utter delight to have around the house and...

Cockatoo: I was scared for my life. I saw what happened to the guinea pig; I could have suffered the same fate!

Annette Benning (totally flustered): All right! (she takes some deep breaths and tries to calm down) I think that's enough trivia about Jerry. Moving on, I'm sure a lot of you have seen my new movie, "Running With Scissors." (the audience claps) It was a wonderful experience. For those of you who don't know, the film is adapted from the memoirs of Augusten Burroughs, a marvelous humorist who endured so much turmoil in his life.

Cockatoo: And a narcissistic homo. Rawk!

Annette Benning (grimacing): Some of the most enjoyable memories I've taken away from my experience were the times I shared working with Alec Baldwin. (Massive applause from the audience) He is a marvelous actor.

Cockatoo: Dirty liberal bastard.

Annette Benning (through gritted teeth): I also loved having the opportunity to get to better know Gwynneth Paltrow.

Cockatoo: "Better know." Is that actor-speak for wanting her to lick your...

(At this point, Annette has had enough. She becomes enraged and grabs Jerry off of her shoulder, holding it in her hands like she's going to throttle it.)

Annette Benning (furious): All right, that's it! I don't know where you picked up such filthy language but I am sick of these obscene remarks! (She shakes the bird around a bit)

Cockatoo (sounding frightened): Help, help! (squaks) Animal abuse!

Annette Benning: You think this is abuse, you haven't seen anything yet!

(Suddenly, Lorne Michaels rushes up onto the stage and grabs onto Annette to stop her from assaulting the cockatoo.)

Lorne Michaels: Annette, Annette, get a hold of yourself! That thing is an endangered species. Do you have any idea how heavily they could fine you if you hurt it?!

(Startled, Annette stops shaking the pesky bird and turns to Lorne)

Annette (confused): Lorne... (she looks at the bird) Oh my God, what have I been doing? I don't know what came over me. It just kept saying all these horrible, nasty things, I couldn't control myself.

Lorne Michaels: It's okay. We all lose our tempers at times. But professionals like you and I need to be able to keep calm when people, or birds, start bothering us. Remember, they're only words from a lesser mind. Be the bigger person and ignore it.

Cockatoo (sarcastic): Thanks for the profound words of wisdom, Jewboy.

Lorne Michaels (bitterly, after a beat): Polly want a lobotomy?

Annette Benning: You're right, Lorne. I overreacted. I just don't understand how Jerry could have picked up such foul language and hurtful things to say. We never talk like that at home.

Lorne Michaels: Well, you brought him with you to the studio. Maybe he overheard it here.

Annette Benning: But I kept him with me at all times... (a beat, then a look of realization comes to her face) except when I asked Will to watch him during some of my rehearsals! That must be it!

Lorne Michaels (nodding): Makes sense to me. Will has been lashing out backstage ever since I gave the Bush role to Jason.

Cockatoo: Biggest mistake you made since hiring Fallon and Sanz. (whistles)

Lorne Michaels (angrily points a finger at the bird): Listen you little feathered bastard, you go and tell that ingrate Forte that I took the role away from him because he sucked at it! And furthermore, I don't need you shoving my past failures in my face. I have spent more than thirty years...

(The cockatoo suddenly leans out and bites Lorne's finger. He pulls it back and holds it in pain. Annette, shocked by the action, releases her grip on the bird. The cockatoo flies off, laughing at the mischief it's caused. Annette and Lorne look out into the audience as it flies away)

Cockatoo (offscreen): I have no egrets! (laughs and squaks)

(After the bird is done laughing, Lorne pulls out a gun from his pocket and fires off a shot. There is a wet smacking sound followed by a painful squak, then seconds later a dull thud indicating the cockatoo has hit the ground. Annette appears shocked, then turns to Lorne.)

Annette Benning: What did you do that for?

Lorne Michaels: Annette, I may believe in protecting endangered animals, even the ones that are jerks. But a pun like that was just unforgivable. He brought it on himself.

Annette Benning: I understand. It's perfectly justifiable. (she sighs) I suppose a cockatoo wasn't the best pet for me anyway. (to the audience) Sorry for the trouble, ladies and gentlemen, but we have a teriffic show for you tonight. Gwen Stefani and Akon are here. (cheers from the audience) They are great artists. (she chuckles) Akon, artist, hope he doesn't try to rip anyone off.

(She starts laughing, but stops when Lorne points the gun to her head)

Lorne Michaels: Don't make me do it, Annette.

Annette Benning: Sorry, just a little slip. Anyway, stick around and we'll be right back.

(fade out)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Robitussin WOW -- Jim Bevan, 22:23:29 12/09/06 Sat
NBC's hiring policy for producers -- Evan Dowbiggin, 22:24:20 12/09/06 Sat