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Date Posted: 09:45:54 03/06/04 Sat
Author: JPIII
Subject: Reviews...CO and Mono
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: Colin Firth 03/06/04" on 01:54:33 03/06/04 Sat

Cold Opening

(Fade in on the hallways of Saturday Night Live)

Lorne Michaels: Hey Colin, the show is going to start soon.

Colin Firth: Thanks Lorne! You know Lorne; I’ve really had fun working with the players this week, but I have to admit this is really my first experience in an American Television studio.

Lorne Michaels: Really? Well, why don’t Jimmy and I give you a tour of the studio?

Colin Firth: That’d be great. You should know Lorne; English television is much different from your American television.

Lorne Michaels: Oh really?

Colin Firth: Yeah…English television is genuinely funny, where as your American television is cheap and recycled humor squeezed into insanely stupid sketches in late night programming.

Jimmy Fallon: Ha! I guess that would explain this sketch, right Lorne?

THIS IS ESSENTIALLY THE FIRST JOKE OF THE CO, AND BOY, DOES IT START THIS SKETCH OFF ODDLY. FIRST OF ALL, JIMMY KINDA COMES OUT OF NOWHERE, MEANING THAT THERE IS NO [BRACKETED] SET OF STAGE DIRECTIONS WHICH INDICATES HIS APPEARANCE. SECONDLY, I'M REALLY NOT A FAN OF SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR, UNLESS IT'S DONE BY A MASTER, LIKE CONAN O'BRIEN OR JON STEWART. SO, TO START OFF BY PUMMELING THE SHOW (SNY OR SNL, I'M NOT SURE) AND/OR YOUR SKETCH SEEMS FAR-FETCHED, GIVEN WHERE THE SKETCH ENDS UP GOING. I'D ONLY START OFF WITH A LINE LIKE THIS IF THE SKETCH'S PREMISE IS FIRTH BASHING AMERICAN TELEVISION AND COMPARING IT TO ENGLISH TELEVISION IN A HUMOROUS MANNER, BECAUSE IT READS MORE LIKE SET-UP THAN A JOKE.

Lorne Michaels: (angrily) Shut up! These here are the archive closets.

Colin Firth: What are these closets used for?

Lorne Michaels: Well, some are actually used to hold archives, while others are used for the “worst case scenario” occurrences in television.

GIVEN WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THIS, I DON'T KNOW IF "WORST CASE SCENARIO" IS THE BEST WAY TO DESCRIBE THESE TAPES. HOW 'BOUT "...WHILE OTHER ARE USED FOR THE 'WORST MOMENTS IN TELEVISION HISTORY' THAT HAVE OCCURRED ON SNL"

Colin Firth: What do you mean? I don’t understand.

Lorne Michaels: Well, in closet 4, here, we have some of the more “lackluster” moments in our show’s history: Charles Rocket’s on-air expletive, the “Tiny Elvis” skits, the entire 1994-’95 season, and the like.

Colin Firth: (awestruck) Wow, sounds like quite an archive? Mind if I have a look in the closet?

Lorne Michaels: (contemplating) Yeah, I guess if you want to. But you’ll need the proper gear.

(Lorne gets a haz-mat suit hanging beside the closet and gives it to Colin, who starts putting it on)

Lorne Michaels: Now, I must warn you, DO NOT look directly at any of the Stuart Smalley sketches. Men stronger than you have gone insane doing so.

THE HAZ-MAT GEAR AND THE SMALLEY LINE ARE THE FIRST REAL JOKES OF THE SKETCH, AND THEY ARE GOOD. I'D TRY TO GET TO THIS A LOT QUICKER, LIKELY BY TAKING OUT THE WHOLE FIRTH "ENGLISH TELE IS BETTER" LINES AND THE ADJOINING FALLON REMARK.

(He hugs Colin, who has finished putting on the suit. Lorne wipes a tear from his eye)

Be safe, my friend. God speed.

(Jimmy opens the door for Colin, and an ominous smoke billows out from the closet. He and Lorne salute the host as though he was a hero going off to war. Colin salutes them back, and walks valiantly into the closet. The door slams behind him)

Jimmy Fallon: (emotionally, shaking his head) I pray the poor bastard makes it through.

O.S. Voice: Michaels, I got something to tell you!

THIS IS WHERE THE SKETCH VEERS OFF. THIS IS YOUR REAL IDEA, YOUR GAME, IF YOU WILL. YET, IT TOOK YOU NEARLY 20 LINES (AND PROBABLY TWO PAGES) TO GET TO IT. PLUS, YOU TAKE THE READER AND MAKE HIM OR HER THINK YOU'RE GOING TO DO THIS KIND OF SURREAL RETROSPECTIVE OF ALL THE HORRIBLE CHARACTERS/OCCURRENCES IN SNL'S HISTORY THROUGH FIRTH'S EYES. IMO, YOU PICK ONE OF THE TWO, AND LEAVE THE OTHER STORYLINE OUT. AS IT IS, THIS IS AN UNNECESSARILY LONG COLD OPENING BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING IN TWO DIRECTIONS, AND ULTIMATELY INTRODUCING AND PICKING ONE NEARLY HALFWAY THROUGH.

Lorne Michaels: Who the hell is that?

(Looks over his shoulder to see who’s calling him)

Oh no, it’s them.

(Jeff Richards, Jim Breuer and Norm Mac Donald come stomping onto the hallway, with Richards leading the pack. Breuer is dressed as Goat Boy, and Norm keeps mumbling to himself)

Norm Macdonald: (hushed tone) I am a funny man; I had a sitcom on Fox. I am a funny man; I had a sitcom on Fox…

TO DEPICT NORM AS THIS PRATTLING FOOL IS KINDA EMBARRASSING. HE WAS REGARDED BY SOME AS THE FUNNIEST WU MAN IN SNL'S HISTORY, AND IS DEFINITELY A FAN FAVORITE. I DOUBT HE'D GUEST-APPEAR TO BE PORTRAYED AS AN UNFUNNY EMBICILE. IN FACT, IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE A COP-OUT ON THE WRITERS' PARTS TO DO THIS, AS IF YOU COULDN'T WRITE FUNNY LINES FOR HIM THAT RIVAL HIS OWN, SO YOU WENT THE EASY WAY OUT AND FILLED HIS LINES WITH THE DUMBEST JOKES YOU COULD MUSTER.

Jeff Richards: Lorne, man, we need to talk. It’s been more than a month since you fired me, and I have a tooth to pick with you. I did great on the show; there was no reason to cut me loose.

AND I'M STILL CONFUSED AS TO WHY THE JEFF RICHARDS INCIDENT IS GARNERING AS MUCH ATTENTION AT THIS SITE VIA SKETCHES AS IT IS. I MEAN, IT'S OVER, NO ONE CARES, THERE ISN'T REALLY ANY COMIC MATERIAL WORTH DOING WITH HIM...I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'S CONTINUING TO APPEAR IN THIS CAPACITY.

Jim Breuer: Got that right, man. That’s why we’re here to lend our support, because we too have suffered unfair layoffs under your tyrannical regime. Drunk Girl and Goat Boy forever! Maaaaaaaaa!

I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE BREUER SAYING ANYTHING REMOTELY CLOSE TO ANYTHING LIKE THIS. IF YOU'RE GOING THE ROUTE OF USING OLD CAST MEMBERS, I AM OF THE OPINION THAT YOU HAVE TO WORK EXTRA-HARD TO PORTRAY THEM AS THEY WERE ORIGINALLY.

Norm Mac Donald: Yeah, yeah, we didn’t deserve that shabby treatment. My boy Jeff here, like Jim and I, should have received dignity and respect, like other experienced professionals. You know, like crack whores! (Nervously) Eh, ha ha. Crack whores, they’re professionals… of a sort.

(Everyone looks at Norm in utter disbelief at his horrible joke, and then resume their normal stances. Norm stares at his feet in shame)

Lorne Michaels: Jim, Norm, I think it’s wonderful you’re backing Jeff on his protest, but I’m afraid his behavior was inexcusable.

Jeff Richards: Aw, come on, Lorne, what could I have done?

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy, the list, please.

(Jimmy pulls out a small stack of note cards from his pocket and begins to read off of them)

Jimmy Fallon: Jeff, since the beginning of the season, you unleashed the “My Doom” virus on the NBC computer mainframe.

Jeff Richards: (defensively) How was I supposed to know it was a virus? The header said “hi.” I had to open the attachment. It was the polite thing to do.

THIS IS A NICE JOKE, THOUGH. I DO LIKE THIS ASPECT OF THE IDEA...FINDING COMEDY IN THE MANY WAYS JEFF COULD HAVE GOTTEN FIRED. IF YOU WOULD HAVE STUCK WITH THIS, AND LEFT OUT NORM, BREUER, THE "WORST CASE OCCURRENCES" CLOSET...YOU'D HAVE A TIGHT, POTENTIALLY GREAT COLD OPENING.

Jim Breuer: Good manners, see, that’s what you want in a cast member.

Jimmy Fallon: You funneled money to Yasir Arafat, which was used to finance bloody terrorist actions.

Jeff Richards: (puzzled) Arafat, I thought that money was going to Aristide, the guy from Haiti. (A beat, as judgmental gazes fall upon him) I mean, I have no idea how that happened.

THIS IS AN EVEN BETTER JOKE...THIS IS DEFINITELY THE WAY YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE.

Norm MacDonald: You know what else you should have on there, Jimmy; O.J. did it!

(Again, they all look at him in disbelief as he laughs nervously.)

Jim Breuer: Why did we even bring you along, man? You haven’t said one funny thing since we got together?

Norm MacDonald: (angrily) Ah, you’re one to talk, Pesci! You’ve got fewer lines than I do in this skit.

(Jim Breuer shows shock at this revelation.)

Jimmy Fallon: (still reading from the cards) And of course, there was the infamous Alex Rodriguez-chocolate syrup incident in Lorne’s office.

(Jeff shrugs in embarrassment.)

Lorne Michaels: (sternly) It took the cleaning crew four days to get that mess out. And you know that I do not like having to pay Horatio and Maya time and a half.

THIS IS GREAT! THE STUFF W/ NORM AND BREUER ONLY SLOWS DOWN THE MOMENTUM YOU'RE BUILDING WITH "THE LIST"

Jeff Richards: (meekly) Um… I’m sorry.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sorry, you want to see sorry, look at Bill Clinton! Eh heh heh heh.

(Jeff puts his arm around Norm’s shoulder)

Jeff Richards: Norm, maybe it would be best if you just let us handle this. It doesn’t really seem to fit your, uh, your “style.”

Jim Breuer: (spitefully) Yeah, it requires wit and intellect. (Under his breath) Less lines than Mac Donald, huh? I’ll show them what happens when I get fewer lines.

Jeff Richards: (fake sympathetically) So, Norm, maybe you should go, we can take it from here.

(In a display of anger, Norm shoves Jeff’s arm off.)

Norm MacDonald: (mad as hell) Oh yeah, all right, yeah, you can shun me now and toss me out like yesterday’s garbage. But I’ll be back, I’ll have my retribution, and I’ll make sure you pay. When I come back, I’ll be bringing the toughest bad ass around to make you suffer. You guessed it, John Tesh!!!

Lorne, Jeff and the two Jims: (in unison) OUT!

(Norm huffs, stomps his foot, and walks away. Lorne turns to face Jeff.)

Lorne Michaels: Now Jeff, I could let you back on the show, but you’ll need to be willing to make a few sacrifices. The pay will be lower.

Jeff Richards: That’s no problem.

Lorne Michaels: You’ll be in fewer sketches for a while.

Jeff Richards: Hey, more personal time for me.

Lorne Michaels: And finally, to prove your dedication… (He turns to Jimmy Fallon) Jimmy, show our friend the Reinstatement Garments.

Jimmy Fallon: As you wish, my master. (Jimmy reaches into a suitcase by his side, opens it, and pulls out a pair of cat ears with a French maid’s outfit. He looks at Jeff lustily.) You’re going to be a very pretty girl tonight, Jeff. (He puts the sexy clothes in Jeff’s arms.)

Jeff Richards: (utterly shocked) Lorne, you, you can’t be serious, man!

Lorne Michaels: Hey, Meadows and Parnell had to do the same thing when they got hired back. But if this is too good for you… (He smirks sinisterly.)

I KINDA LIKE THIS AS AN ENDING...BRINGING SOME SORT OF HAZING RITUAL INTO THE MIX AS WHAT RICHARDS HAS TO DO TO GET BACK ON THE SHOW. HOWEVER, IT REALLY ISN'T PREFERABLE BECAUSE RICHARDS WASN'T HIRED BACK. IF HE WAS, THIS WOULD BE PERFECT, BUT SINCE HE IS NOT ON THE SHOW, I'D GO WITH AN ENDING WHERE HE GOOFS UP AGAIN, AND RUINS HIS CHANCES.

Jeff Richards: (sweating nervously, unsure of what to do. He sighs as he makes his decision) Okay Lorne, I’ll do it. (Breaks into Drunk Girl) Lorne, do you wanna see my thong?

Lorne Michaels: Hot damn, yes!

Drunk Girl: Do you wanna see my thong? Do you wanna see my thong?

(Drunk Girl leads Lorne down the hallway to Lorne’s office; the two Jims are left behind)

Jimmy Fallon: So, uh, you wanna go do some blow?

Jim Breuer: Only if we can do off of Tina’s ass!

Jimmy Fallon: I like your thinking!

Jim Breuer: Cool, let’s go.

(The two Jims head off, leaving the scene empty. The door to Closet 4 opens and Colin Firth steps out in a cloud of noxious smoke. He pulls of his headgear, and his face is revealed, contorted in an expression of fright.)

Colin Firth: (gasping for air, utterly terrified) Dear God, I never knew such horrors existed. (Still hyperventilating, he turns to face the camera.) Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

(Fade to opening credits)

THE DRUNK GIRL, COKE OFF TINA'S ASS, AND FIRTH STUFF ONLY MAKES THE ENDING MORE MESSY. OVERALL, THIS SKETCH WAS A DECADENT MESS...A SEEMING ATTEMPT TO CONGLOMERATE SEVERAL IDEAS AND GUEST STARS INTO A MONSTER OF A COLD OPENING THAT DOES MORE CONFUSING THAT ELICITING LAUGHS. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH KEEPING IT SIMPLE, QUIRKY, AND DIRECT.

Monologue

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Colin Firth!

Colin Firth: (Jogs into home base, to applause.) Hello, and welcome to Saturday Night Live! I'm so honored to be here, especially considering that the Academy Awards were last weekend, and I wasn't really a prominent figure there this year. Actually, I wasn't there at all…too bad I wasn't in Lord of the Rings. How about that movie, eh? Completely swept the Oscars, it did. You know, I was thinking while I was watching them announce best picture, what if…(Assumes a "thinking" pose; screen swirls and mystical music plays. When the screen focuses again, we see the "Academy Awards 2004" return-from-commercial screen.")

I'M THINKING THERE SHOULD BE SOME INDICATION OF HIS "WHAT IF SEABISCUIT WON..." HERE, INSTEAD OF JUST "WHAT IF..." ALSO, IT MIGHT HELP TO ADD SOME HUMOROUS RATIONALE EXPLAINING WHY HE'S WONDERING THIS. MAYBE HE COULD INDICATE HIS DISGUST THAT SEABISCUIT WAS EVEN NOMINATED, OR SOMETHING...ANYTHING TO HELP THE TRANSITION HERE.

Announcer: And now for the moment you've all been waiting for, the Academy announces the winner for Best Picture.

(Stage, Steven Spielberg standing at the podium, about to open the envelope. He looks somewhat bored, he pretty much knows who the winner will be.)

Spielberg: And the Oscar goes to…(Actor opens envelope, reads it. Squints at it again, to make sure he's read it right. Pause as Spielberg stares in shock at the card. He finally reads it.) ….Seabiscuit! (A pause, then scattered applause, the producers of Seabiscuit walk onstage.)

Ross: Wow. I really can't believe this. This is truly…

Maguire: (Nudges Ross out of the way, slowly. He speaks and moves very slowly.) Hey! I can't believe this!…There are so many…people…I'd like…to thank. First and foremost…I'd like to thank God for…

(An arrow shot from off the left side of the screen hits Maguire mid-sentence, and he stiffly crumples to the ground. Legolas stomps on stage.)

Legolas: You think you're sooo badass, don't you, because you can ride a horse? Well guess what? I can too! And I'm prettier.

(The other producers are looking confused and horrified when Aragorn strides up from the other side of the stage and whacks them all over with the flat of his sword. They fall over like a stack of dominoes.)

I CAN IMAGINE A LOT OF THE PHYSICAL HUMOR HERE MIGHT BE VERY FUNNY IF SEEN ON-STAGE. NICE WORK.

Aragorn: You think you can make a stupid movie about a friggin' horse and defeat Return of the King for Best Picture? Not if I have anything to say about it! Legolas, where is the Oscar?

(Legolas is looking inside the podium)

Legolas: Ahh…I can't seem to find it.

Aragorn: (Turns to the announcers) Where is it?

(The announcers are looking confused when a taunting, familiar voice echoes around them, and they all look to see where it's coming from.)

Gollum: We won't let the stupid mens or elveseseses get it, noo, preciousss…(Legolas suddenly points towards the audience; camera shows Gollum crouching in one of the aisles, clutching the Oscar.) Ho-o-o-o-o-oh! It is mine, precious! If you thought tonight was boring, heeere'ss a little exsssscitement!

I REALLY LIKE THE IDEA OF GOLLUM HAVING THE OSCAR, AND TREATING IT AS HE DID THE RING IN THE MOVIES. HOWEVER, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE LAST LINE HERE. "IF YOU THOUGHT TONIGHT WAS BORING..." AGAIN, AS WE HAD WITH THE CO, IT SEEMS LIKE MORE NEEDLESS SNL-BASHING. THE PROBLEM IS THAT IT'S SIMPLY NOT FUNNY, AND HERE, IT ONLY CONFUSES YOUR GOALS.

Legolas: Come on, Gollum. Everyone knows you're just pissed because you weren't nominated for anything. You weren't even invited!

Gollum: Yess I wasss! Gollum has TWO dates---one for each alter ego. Keeeisha and Charlizezeze…(Keisha Castle-Hughes [on knees to appear shorter] appears on his left side with a dazed look on her face, Charlize Theron appears on his right, smiling.)

Aragorn: I really hope you're kidding, Gollum. One of those girls is only thirteen!

Gollum: Watch thisss! (Turns to Keisha) Are you having a good tiiime, Keissha?

Keisha: (No reaction for a moment, then she twitches in sudden comprehension.) …Where am I?

Gollum: That'sss a good girl. I likes good little girlss….(switches to alter ego, turning to Charlize) Noooo!! Gollum likesss ugly ssserial killersss, yes, preciouss! (He grins at Charlize.)

I THINK THIS BIT, WITH HIM BEING CONFUSED OVER WHO HE LIKES MORE, WOULD GO OVER WELL. BUT, THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, THE MORE I'M NOT EXCITED ABOUT YOU USING GOLLUM AS SNL DOES WITH KATTAN. YEAH, I AGREE IT'S KINDA THE TEMPLATE, AND IT'S HARD NOT TO FOLLOW, BUT REMEMBER, AT THIS SITE WE REALLY TRY TO BE CREATIVE AND VEER FROM THE USUAL SNL-STYLE DEPICTIONS OF THINGS.

Charlize: Umm...you know, I'm not really like that…

Aragorn: This is ridiculous. Can someone get the Oscar from him?

Gollum: Nevverr! The preciouss is miine!!

(Johnny Depp appears, causing Keisha to faint. He picks up Gollum, and throws him off screen as he shrieks. We see him fall into a random hole in the theater. It has a sign next to it reading "Rabbit hole." His shriek fades away.)

Charlize: What the hell did you do that for, Johnny Depp? Now there's no Oscar.

Depp: (He shrugs.) Pirate.

Charlize: Huh?

I LIKE THE ENDING...DEPP'S LACONIC LINE IS VERY FUNNY...AND THE "ACTION" SEQUENCE WOULD SURELY ELICIT CHUCKLES WHEN SEEN ON-STAGE.

(Swirls back to Colin at home base.)

Colin: (Still thinking, then snaps out of it.) Ah…sorry, sometimes I let my imagination run away with me. Anyway, we've got a great show for you tonight! Norah Jones is here, so stick around!

OVERALL...A NICE MONOLOGUE. SOME ISSUES HERE AND THERE, BUT I LIKE WHERE YOU WENT WITH IT. HOPE TO SEE YOU AROUND HERE FOR A LONG TIME!

JPIII

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