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Date Posted: 19:10:07 09/30/05 Fri
Author: Jason
Subject: Sketches
In reply to: jennings 's message, "A note about writing the Steve Carell episode this week" on 13:31:10 09/26/05 Mon

I hope it's alright to submit my stuff here at the message board. Thanks. I will submit some Weekend Update jokes later.
If you are running low on skits, I could write one up real quick soon, too.

----------------------------------------------------------

The 90-Year Old Virgin

Trevor Hopkins...Steve Carell
Friend 1...Seth Meyers
Friend 2...Fred Armisen
Friend 3...Kenan Thompson
Deejay...Jason Sudeikis
Masseuse...Amy Poehler

(filmed sketch: TV spot for movie; Trevor walking down the street gingerly due to his
age)

Announcer: Meet Trevor Hopkins. An elderly man with a casual smile who has nothing to
be angry at in the world. But, he holds a secret.

(Trevor and fellow elderly friends are sitting at poker table playing cards)

Friend 1: So, I was doing this granny that I met outside the Elks, and wouldn’t you know
it, she had a wooden leg. A huge turnoff.

Friend 2: Oh boy, creepy. Whatya do?

Friend 1: Well, she is a woman, isn’t she?

(all laugh with friend 3 coughing loudly after chuckling)

Friend 2: You okay?

Friend 3: Yes, (cough, cough) oh yes. It’s just, I get a little lethargic when I don’t have
sex. I haven’t had the Broadway Bounce in months. Longest I’ve ever missed it.

Trevor Hopkins: Yeah, tell me about it.

Friend 3: I remember it being like putting your “petrified log” into a warm apple pie, like
my grandma used to make.

Trevor Hopkins: Yeah, like injecting it into a pink flower....

(friends look at him)

Trevor Hopkins: ....or like giving it to a beautiful pillow cushion or....Um, right?

Friend 1: Omigod!

Trevor Hopkins: What?

Friend 2: You’re a virgin!

(record screeches; shows elderly gentlemen in bling and jersey fiddling with phonograph)

Deejay: Sorry, my fault. This damned Victrola is on the fritz. Again, I apologize for the
noise. All of our hearing aids have gone off, and the problem will be fixed. Once again,
I’m sorry.

(friends take him to spa)

Friend 1: Boy, I’m gonna make sure that you get laid.

Trevor Hopkins: Laid?

Friend 1: Another term for sex. There have been lots of them in the past century.

(background music is ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man”)

Announcer: Now, on a mission, he will find out it won’t be easy getting ready for bliss.

(shows quick clip of Trevor on exercise walking machine)

(quick clip of him lifting weights, unsuccessfully)

(clip of him drinking an egg in a cup, and then gagging)

(cut to clip of masseuse tearing hair from the roots on his chest)

Trevor Hopkins: (during different clips of hair being torn out) Jiminy!!!!!!! Dag-nabbit!!!!!
Crass-a-sass!!!!!!! TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Masseuse: My God! (looks at massive amount of white chest hair on strip) It looks like
Santa Claus’s beard!

(friends laugh, along with Trevor who is shown quickly with blood running down his
chest)

(background music is now Eric Clapton’s “It’s In The Way That You Use It”)

Announcer: A comedy that you can set your grandfather clock to.

(Trevor in a suit walking gingerly into a bar, all female and male extras are real elderly
people)

Woman: Ooooh, you are a beast.

Trevor Hopkins: And you are a beauty.

Woman: You are good.

Trevor Hopkins: Want to see good? Meet me at my place at 4 this afternoon. There you
will find good.

Woman: Oh-ho-ho. Wild one.

(Trevor and another woman driving down the highway in his cadillac at thirty miles an
hour; horns beeping behind them)

Announcer: Meet.....(black screen with same title)....The 90-Year Old Virgin. An
octogenarian’s worst nightmare is having a wet dream.

(quick clip of old woman in bed, and Trevor accidentally dropping her dentures in the
sink)

Trevor Hopkins: I wonder if she’ll be surprised if I ask her if I can leave my own
apartment.

Announcer: Rated R. Starts Friday at most theaters.

(fin)

---------------------------------------------------------

Inconvenience Store

Norman...Steve Carell
Jared...Will Forte
Customer 1...Seth Meyers
Customer 2...Bill Hader
Wife...Amy Poehler
Husband...Chris Parnell
Customer 3...Andy Samberg
Customer 4...Kenan Thompson
Old Woman...Rachel Dratch
Grandson...Fred Armisen
Robber...Jason Sudeikis
Police Officer...Horatio Sanz

(set in a convenice store with Norman and Jared getting ready to open up for the day)

Jared: Ready to start another day?

Norman: You bet. No need to stay in one direction with the laugh shop, when we can
divert our attention to other important aspects of owning a store. This place will hopefully
get people the needs that they desperately want while driving down the road.

(first customer enters)

Customer 1: Hi, how you doin’?

Jared: Just fine, and what can I do you for?

Norman: Yes, what can we do for you?

Customer 1: Well, I need a copy of last week’s TV Guide. It had an article about a friend
of mine who is a producer of the hit ABC sitcom, “Hope & Faith.” You wouldn’t happen
to have it would you.

Norman: Actually, to be honest, most of our magazines are from about five years ago.

Jared: Yes, we feel our store has a special kind of nostalgia that no other inconvenience
store has.

Customer 1: Nostalgia, huh? Do you have last month’s Sports Illustrated?

Jared: No, I’m afraid the last issue we had of that magazine was when Tiger Woods was
first on the greens of the PGA tour. Sorry.

Customer 1: What a waste of time this was. I would ask for the newspaper, but God
knows what century that was printed in.

Norman: If you look here, it says on the front page that Monica Lewinsky delivered
fellatio to the president of the United States. Ha, there’s a picture of Ken Starr with his
Thermos of coffee. God, what a jackass.

Customer 1: Awful. Just awful. (exits in anger)

(another customer enters)

Customer 2: Hi, can I get a pack of cigarettes?

Jared: Sure can. Whatdya need? We have Marlboros, Camels, Winstons....

Customer 2: Pack of Marlboros, please.

Norman: ...Lucky Strikes, Kents, Pall Malls, Mild Sevens...

Customer 2: Just Marlboros, please.

Jared: ...Salems, Virginia Slims, Barclays, Basics...

Norman: ...Dorals, L&Ms, Newports...

Customer 2: Just a....

Jared: ....Chesterfields...

Norman: ...Rothmans...

Jared/Norman: And.....

Customer 2: Shut up!!!!!!!! Just a pack of Marlboros, please.

Jared: O-kay. That’ll be $2.00.

Customer 2: Wow, 2 dollars? That’s about half the price.

Norman: Oh yes. We are here to please, somewhat.

Customer 2: Thanks a lot.

(about to leave and opens cigarettes to find they are all cut in half with tar pouring out of
pack)

Customer 2: What the hell is this?

Norman: Oh half price, half the cigarettes. Fine way to cut down on smoking.

Jared: We’re doing you a favor.

Customer 2: Geez, you guys are whacked. (chucks pack at them) Keep the 2 dollars. I
don’t want to spend one more second in this craphole.

(customer leaves)

Jared: Finally a sale.

Norman: Albeit an angry one.

(pregnant wife enters store)

Jared: And how can we help you? Ah, you want the diet foods in aisle two.

Wife: I’m not fat. I’m expecting. I came here to complain.

Jared: Norm, buddy, what have I told you about your impulses?

Norman: I don’t remember you, lady.

Wife: I’m here to complain about what you did to my husband.

(husband enters holding his neck)

Husband: Oh God. This is the place all right.

Wife: During one of my cravings, I asked my husband to go down to the local store and
pick up some candy for me. Hours later, I found out that he was in the emergency room.
Apparently, you leave your candy bars and chocolates up on the top shelf of your store.

Jared: Hey, that’s what we’re here for.

Norman: We apologize to your husband. But this is an “inconvenience” store, which
means you have to deal with a lot of unwanted tribulations.

Husband: Oh, honey, we should get you home. You need your rest.

Wife: Fine, this isn’t the end of this. I will get you guys.

(both leave)

Jared: I think that woman might be pregnant.

Norman: She could’ve used one of our home pregnancy tests, which by coincidence is
next to the candy.

(customer enters)

Customer 3: Hi, there. I’d like to buy a lottery ticket.

Jared: Okay, that’ll be two dollars.

Customer 3: Two dollars? Isn’t it usually a dollar?

Jared: Ah, but this is our own local lottery. The jackpot is up to $128.67.

Customer 3: And what are the odds?

Jared: 77....

Customer 3: ...to 1?

Jared: No, 77 billion to 1. Our lottery works like this. We give you three numbers. In
order for you to win the lottery you must buy another ticket at five dollars.

Customer 3: What?

Norman: Then, here’s the great part. The number turns into a 12-digit number that we
randomly change every morning.

Customer 3: Isn’t that impossible to win then?

Jared: Actually odds of winning are 77 billion to 1. You got a shot.

Customer 3: Bye now.

(customer leaves and in comes another customer)

Customer 4: I need change for a twenty. Do you have any?

Jared: Oooh, oooh, yes. I’ll go out back.

Customer 4: Actually, I’m in a bit of a hurry.

Norman: Don’t worry about it. He’ll be back. (Jared goes off into the backroom)

Customer 4: I really need to get going.

Norman: Just calm down. Now, do you live around here or do you live in the projects?

Customer 4: Excuse me?

Norman: Just making a bit of conversation, boo. Dog, what’s it like being a brother, yo?

Customer 4: Cut that out.

Norman: I’ll just shizzitut-up, brotherzzizza!

Customer 4: What’s taking him so long?

Norman: Calm down, sir.

Customer 4: I think I am being calm. But, I have to pick up my daughter from school.

Norman: Won’t be another minute, alright?

(ten hours later)

Norman: Looks like it’s getting dark.

Customer 4: Dammit. Just give me my money back.

(Jared comes out from the back)

Jared: You wanted change for a twenty, right?

Customer 4: That’s it. I’m calling the police. No one should waste time like this, you
people are monsters.

(exits, then re-enters and grabs the twenty out of Jared’s hands, and exits again)

Norman: Wow, cranky old coot, huh?

Jared: He looked like he was about twenty-five, though.

Norman: Yep, a cranky old coot. So what did you do back there anyway?

Jared: I decided to watch the fifth season of “The Sopranos” on DVD. I didn’t think he
would mind.

Norman: Ah, never mind that old geezer. That’s what they’re like. People.

Jared: Yeah, people.

(old woman enters crawling on her hands and knees)

Old Woman: ARRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Norman: My God, what happened to you?

Old Woman: I.....I....AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(her grandson enters infuriated)

Grandson: You bastards!!!

Norman: What did we do?

Grandson: Well, it took my grandmother thirty minutes to get through the parking lot,
because some retarded idiot decided to put the handicapped spots at the end of the store.

Jared: We feel the physically disabled would want to walk, ya know, get their agility up a
bit.

Grandson: I’m suing you both. You’ll be sorry you ever messed with my family. Come on,
grandma.

Old Woman: (lets out horrifyingly loud scream)

(both exit)

(a few hours go by and it’s nighttime)

Jared: Wow, not too busy tonight, eh?

Norman: Maybe it’s because I put that sign out asking that people with credit cards, debit
cards, checks, gift certificates, store cards, money orders and cold hard cash need not
enter.

Jared: What’s even worse is that people don’t know that we only accept ancient Canadian
currency. Maybe we should put that on the sign.

Norman: Nah. I have a little bit more faith in the people of Little Creek, Arkansas.

(robber enters and holds them up a gunpoint)

Robber: Empty out the register, now.

Jared: I wish it were that easy, my friend. Just put the gun down.

Robber: No, empty it now.

Norman: You see, it’s locked. We’ll have to get it out of the safe.

Robber: Safe? Okay, open the safe.

(Norman goes over to safe and takes out only item: a key)

Robber: What is this? You don’t put money in the safe?

Norman: No. We put the key in it.

Robber: Whatever. Now, open the register.

Norman: Can’t. This is the key to open the strongbox.

Robber: Strongbox?

(Norman opens strongbox to show only another key)

Robber: You don’t put your money in any of these things? What is wrong with you?

Norman: I get that a lot.

Robber: Just open the register now.

Norman: Okay. (opens register to show no money at all) Here you go.

Robber: What the....

(Jared enters store with police officer who quickly handcuffs him)

Police Officer: You’re under arrest.

Robber: But....I....damn you. Where’s the money? Where is it?

Norman: We don’t keep our money in the register.

(Jared opens up a cereal box with hundreds of dollars in it)

Jared: We like to trust our local neighborhood.

(police officer as an extra takes robber away)

Police Officer: Good work, boys. You have a hell of a place here.

Jared: Would ya like a cup of coffee, officer?

Police Officer: Sure, why not?

(sips coffee)

Police Officer: Oh God.

Norman: Yes, our coffee was made fresh two days ago.

Jared: Except for the cream. We chilled that about a week ago.

Norman: We love the nostalgia aspect of our store.

(police officer vomits all over the floor and staggers outside)

Norman: Hey, officer, are you sick? Perhaps you could use one of our Pepto-Bismol
tablets? They’re on the top shelf next to the candy and pregnancy tests.

(fin)

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