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Date Posted: 21:45:02 12/09/06 Sat
Author: jennings
Subject: CO: The View
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Annette Benning (12/9/06)" on 09:05:49 12/09/06 Sat

Details: on the popular morning show, questions are finally answered


“The View”
Written by Mark Jennings Reese II

Rosie O’Donnell…Jason Sudeikis
Joy Behar…Maya Rudolph
Elizabeth Hasselback…Kristin Wiig
Barbara Walters…Annette Bening
Tom Cruise…Seth Meyers
Katie Holmes…Amy Poehler
Family…Will Forte, Kenan Thompson (in drag), Andy Samberg

(Fade in)

(ABC’s The View coming back from commercial break)

Elizabeth Hasselback: Welcome back to “The View”. Good morning.

(Cut to Rosie O’Donnell as she is cleaning the ring of food around her mouth)

Rosie O’Donnell: Oh, what a wonderful day to be here. We have some wonderful guests. Isn’t that right Joy?

Joy Behar: I don’t understand this. You are this fat slob of a lesbian and you expect other lesbians to be attracted to you?

Rosie O’Donnell: Happy Chewbacca, Joy!

Joy Behar: It’s Chanukah!

Rosie O’Donnell: Oh shut up, Jew-face! Barbara, introduce our next guest.

Barbara Walters: Oh, Rosie. You still food around your mouth from during the break. And you call yourself a homosexual journalist! Ladies and Rosie, we have a wonderful couple as our next guest. They are Hollywood’s hot couple and they are back from their string of honeymoons. Please welcome, power couple and practicing Scientologists, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and their cute baby girl Suri.

(Tom & Katie come out, in tears)

Rosie O’Donnell: Oh, Tom, Katie, you look wonderful!

(All the ladies start talking at once)

Rosie O’Donnell: Did you try any of those wonderful platters of food backstage?

Joy Behar: Why are you crying?

Tom Cruise: You know, normally, we are very happy to be here but there was something that just occurred backstage that will sting forever more.

Katie Holmes: Yes, it is so incredibly terrible. Rosie ate our baby, Suri.

(Barbara, Joy and Elizabeth’s faces all turn to terror)

Rosie O’Donnell: Oh, it’s okay. Angelina Jolie loses her children all the time. Tom, you know, its because of you didn’t marry me why I ended up going lez-bo!

Tom Cruise: Rosie, you ate my child! I can still see reminisce of Suri’s blood on your shirt. Why?

Katie Holmes: WHY ROSIE! WHY!

Rosie O’Donnell: Easy, Katie. You can’t win an Oscar for acting on television.

Tom Cruise: Rosie, you don’t understand. You’ve eaten the leader of Scientology. The golden goddess of Scientology! (Yelling towards Rosie’s stomach) Lordess Suri, we will get you out of there as soon as we can!

(Rosie’s voice becomes that of a possessed creature)

Rosie O’Donnell: HEAR ME NOW AND HEAR ME GOOD! I HAVE TAKEN OVER THE BODY, MIND, AND SOUL THAT IS LESBIAN PERSONALITY ROSIE O’DONNELL. FIRST OFF, LET IT BE KNOWN THAT ROSIE IS ACTUALLY A MAN. ALSO, MAN WOMAN AND CHILD SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT THE SCIENTOLOGISTS MEAN NO HARM TO THE WORLD. ALTHOUGH WE DO WANT YOU ALL TO BECOME SCIENTOLOGISTS, WE WILL NOT FORCE IT ON YOU AT THIS TIME. WAIT, WE ARE NOW GOING TO BEGIN FORCING SCIENTOLOGY ON YOU. LIVE, BREATHE, AND BE SCIENTOLOGY! EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME NOW, “LIVE BREATHE AND BE SCIENTOLOGY!”

(Over taken, the individuals on the stage and in the studio start to repeat the phrase)

All: Live, breathe and be Scientology. Live, breathe and be Scientology. Live, breath and be Scientology.

Rosie O’Donnell: GOOD, GOOD. YOU, WATCHING AT HOME, SAY IT! SAY IT!

(Cut to a living room where a family of three is watching the show and repeating the phrase)

Family: Live, breathe and be Scientology. Live, breathe and be Scientology.

(Cut back to “The View” studio)

Rosie O’Donnell: GOOD. NOW, HEAR ME. TO EVERYONE OUT THERE IN THE WORLD, I SAY, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!

(Fade to opening credits)

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