Author:
aleXX
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Date Posted: 22:57:53 05/24/02 Fri
(229.norcross-03rh15rt.ga.dial-access.att.net/12.92.204.229)
Beautiful jeNN
I was so horrible tonight. I am so sorry. This was the last time we'll see each other for a long time and i fucked it up with my problems. I am so scared now. It's been several times i've disturbed you. Your life is already in a mess over this and i go and make it worse. The song you wrote for me is beautiful, i love it. Yet i am ashamed to listen to it now. I don't feel i deserve it after my behavior. Can you forgive me? PLEASE forgive me! Say its not all ruined. I promise to make it up to you. If you cant deal with me anymore i'd understand but i couldn't live with it. I can't live without you, please believe me when i say this...I MEAN IT!!! I want you so bad. I need you so bad. I miss you so bad. I LOVE YOU SO BAD!!!! I want so very badly to have you in my life. You are the most special, wonderful thing to have ever come into my life and i won't let it go without doing everything i can to keep it, and i do mean everything!!! It hurt me so much to see you cry because of my stupid actions. All that was wrong with me was that i didn't get to talk to you. Talking to you makes me feel so calm, so peaceful, so alive, so loved, so special. And i looked forward to it and didn't get it...i was crushed. OK, i said to myself, i'll see her tonight. I had my mind set to have a good night, i was seeing my special jeNN-GRRL. The minute you got there I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't concentrate. You seemed distant (more so than usual). Maybe i hoped for warmth too quick in the evening. You did act more affectionate later but i feel it was only to make me feel better after i had said "it's gonna be a long, long weekend" and was disappointed at having upset you. Were you? Later in the house you didn't sit in my spot on the love-seat and i was hurt. I at least wanted to hold your hand before you left and was denied that too. You don't seem to realize what effect these little things have on me. What effect you have on me. You're always down on yourself and you just can't see that someone (me) worships the ground you walk on. Literally! In my eyes, you can't do wrong. You're perfect. You're beautiful. I love every inch of you. I love everything about you. I pray for the opportunity to prove that to you one day. I'll make you proud of me. I long for the day to spend time with you alone. When we're apart i hurt so bad. Only your voice can temporarily soothe me, nothing else. I'm sorry you had to see one of my 'crazies' tonight, it was inappropriate. Please don't leave me, please.... :(
I know you may not even get to read this before you leave Sunday but, I DO wish you a great time. I wish i were coming with you...we'd have fun. I know tonight was no indication but, we would have fun. I'd make sure of it!
There are many, many more things i had wanted to say to you tonight but, my mind's in turmoil right now. Maybe i'll post them tomorrow. Right now, I'll try to be more fun.....
In practice you said i'm crazy. Yes...I'm CRAZY FOR YOU!!!! You're the only one drivin' me wild...you are...you little tease, wearing that outfit today of all days...you were ~~~HOT~~~! I even had a little gift for you in my pocket and didn't get the opportunity to let you find it. Maybe next time if you still want it. Now don't go dumpin' me for some skank at the concert alright? I'll have to kill' em! ...
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE ABOUT ME.
I MISS YOU DEEPLY
Please respond if you can, i'm gonna be in a terrible state over this weekend, i can feel it now. Any kind word from you would do wonders...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!
Have a good night, sleep well. I'm gonna have a real good cry, i'll feel better i'm sure. I know i'm not putting you to bed as usual but the thought of it while i'm not actually doing it makes it hurt too much tonight. I will be thinking about you...I will dream of you...someplace warm where it doesn't rain...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH...
aleXX
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