Harmy Awards Presentation - Most Favorite Harm in Uniform Look -- ....., 08:56:57 06/04/12 Mon
Zoom! The distinct sound of a low flying Stearman fills the ballroom, causing the Harmy ladies to dive under their seats. Fortunately everyone is a perfect size six and works out daily with Harm so diving under seats is an easy exercise, although Spud has a little trouble squeezing in with her Spud-puppies. The Stearman comes to a screeching halt on the stage. The Harmy ladies peer out from under their seats to see Laurence climbing down from the cockpit. “Ladies, it’s ok, you don’t have to duck,” she calls out. “Harmy ladies take cover, but they never duck,” admonishes Cece as she struggles to untangle her boa from the seat leg. “Laurence, what is going on?”
Laurence giggles with delight. “I’ve flown in all the way from France especially to present this category.” She turns and motions to Harm, who hops down from the cockpit wearing tight jeans and a leather jacket. “It sure was fun to fly Harm . . . .uh, that is, to fly with Harm across the Atlantic,” she laughs. “Wait a minute, how did you fly clear across the ocean in a biplane?” Cece asks. “I don’t know,” Laurence replies. “I told the airline ticket agent that I wanted to ‘fly the friendly skies’ and POOF! Suddenly I was mile high flying with Harm.”
“At least we know there really is something special in the air,” Cece comments. “Now that everyone has resettled in their seats, let’s start the presentation. Laurence, here is the nominations list and a sealed envelope with the winner and the person who nominated the winner.” Laurence gleefully takes the information and clears her throat, ready to begin when she notices Harm responding to audience catcalls and pirouetting to fully display his assets. “Uh, Harm dear, those tight jeans sure are sexy, but this is a uniform only category.” She waves her arms and instantly Harm appears in his winter blues, the first nomination. The crowd oohs and aahs as Laurence gazes upon her handiwork. “Poofing is so much fun. And the winter blues are my favorite.” She stares and stares and stares, lost in the moment.
“Pssst,” Cece hisses from the back of the stage. “We have two more nominations.” “Oh, right,” Laurence says, coming back to the present reality (or as much reality as this whole thread is). She waves her arms again and Poof! Harm transforms into his mess dress uniform, the second nomination. But he isn’t alone. kleigh is on his arm, slinking along in a dark blue evening gown. “What are you doing in this presentation?” Laurence cries. “Harm and I are off to an Embassy ball,” kleigh purrs, rubbing Harm’s arm seductively. “Later we’ll reach our own diplomatic accord with a negotiated settlement that will benefit us both.”
“Sorry, you can’t leave with Harm. There’s one more nomination in this category,” Laurence explains. She waves her arms and in a gigantic POOOOOF, Harm appears in his dress whites, the final nomination. But again, he isn’t alone. This time usmgrad is with him, touching his face and ready to plant a big kiss on his lips. She suddenly realizes where they are and whirls toward Laurence. “What did you do? I was helping him get undressed. . . .er, I mean, dressed for this presentation.” Laurence ignores her and tears open the envelope. “Those are the nominations. The Most Favorite Harm in Uniform Look is dress whites and the person who nominated the winner and gets an evening with Harm is. . . . . . .”
“Well, who is she?” usmgrad demands, stomping her foot. “It’s. . . . .it’s. . . . .you,” Laurence says, her voice trailing off. “Me!” usmgrad shrieks. “You poofed us here to tell me that I get Harm. I already had Harm! Now we have to start all over again.” She looks at Harm in his pristine dress whites, ready and waiting. “Oh, well, sacrifices have to be made for the good of the Harmy Awards.” She links her arm through Harm’s and as they prepare to depart, she turns and winks at the audience. “By the way, what they say about dress whites and gold wings. . . . .believe me, they are NOT overrated!”
Harmy Awards Presentation - Favorite Shipper Moment Other Than the Last 7.5 Minutes -- ....., 12:58:41 05/24/12 Thu
“We’ve spotted traces of Araninda,” JJ Ronda exclaims as she rushes onto the stage where a worried Dee stands alone in the darkened ballroom. “Traces. . . you mean the gorilla really did eat her?” Dee recoils in horror. “I don’t think so. He would be beating his chest and belching from indigestion,” JJ Ronda laughs. “But he looks rather happy right now, though a bit glassy-eyed.” “Where is he?” Dee asks. “Sitting outside the ballroom,” JJ Ronda explains. “rocking back and forth, clutching a jug of West Virginia moonshine and happily singing there's never a wish better than this, when you only got a hundred years to live.”
JJ Ronda looks around. “Are the Harmy Awards over? Where is everyone?” Dee sadly shakes her head. “We had to suspend the Awards to look for Araninda. Strangely, everyone volunteered to search upstairs.” JJ Ronda’s eyes grew big and round. “Upstairs! Oh, no!” “What’s upstairs?” Dee innocently asks. JJ Ronda sighs. “This is no ordinary hotel. There are rooms here where strange things happen.”
“You mean like the Bates Motel?” Dee fearfully shouts. “Of course not,” JJ Ronda hastens to explain. “The Manly Arms is a magical kingdom where you wish upon a star and your dreams will come true.” “Like Disney World?” Dee asks. “Disney World doesn’t have Harm. Just a big mouse. I know, I’ve been there. Come on, let’s go upstairs. But be prepared for anything and anyone.”
Upstairs they pause before the first door. JJ Ronda cautiously opens it. But rather than a hotel bedroom they see the Admiral’s porch in “Lifeline” with Lee instead of Mac telling Harm that he has somebody that loves him. (the porch scene also happens to be the first nominee of this category). “Wow, that’s some theme room,” Dee cries. “Hakuna Matata!”
They move across the hall and open that door. It is dark but as JJ Ronda and Dee’s eyes adjust, they see that amazingly Harm is in this room as well. The room is a nighttime desert “In Country” and Harm is wrapping his leg around Cathy F. as they snuggle to stay warm. (the second nominee of this category) Back in the hall as the two ladies approach the next door, they hear a sobbing sound. Opening the door a crack, they peer into a ship’s corridor with Harm and CorinneH holding each other just like the ending of “Critical Condition.” (the third nominee of this category)
“That’s so sad. Let them be alone,” Dee suggests and they move on to the next door. They hear water running and burst in, thinking they might find Harm naked in the shower. Alas, no, he’s wiping usmgrad’s face in the creek scene of “Full Engagement” and telling her that he’ll get her home safely from the poachers. (the fourth nominee of this category).
Finally JJ Ronda and Dee come to the end room, where a delicious smell drifts into the hall. They open the door and see a dinner ready to be eaten. But no one is sitting at the table. Instead Harm and chris k are under the table bumping heads as chris k seductively coos “don’t be gentle, be good”. (the final nominee of this category) JJ Ronda and Dee close the door and turn as Mac, in feisty Marine mode, marches down the hall toward them. “Halt! Both of you! I’m supposed to be the woman with Harm in these scenes. If this isn’t fixed right now, I’m gonna feed your sixes to the crabs.”
“Quick, a gigantic poof, now!” JJ Ronda shouts, waving her arms high in the air. POOOOF! Mac instantly reappears in each of the scenes and the Harmy ladies begrudgingly are poofed back into the ballroom for the announcement of this category’s winner, which is: The porch scenes in “Lifeline”. The person who nominated the winner is Deemus who can check into the Manly Arms with Harm for the evening. Future room reservations are now being accepted for anyone interested.
This week on JAG -- usmgrad :), 23:14:18 05/25/12 Fri
No episode photos this week, instead Harm honors those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in the service of their country.
A poem by C W Johnson
We walked among the crosses, where our fallen soldiers lay.
And listened to the bugle as TAPS began to play.
The Chaplin led a prayer, we stood with heads bowed low.
And I thought of fallen comrades, I had known so long ago.
They came from every city across this fertile land.
That we might live in freedom. They lie here 'neath the sand.
I felt a little guilty my sacrifice was small.
I only lost a little time but these men lost their all.
Now the services are over for this Memorial Day.
To the names upon these crosses I just want to say,
Thanks for what you've given no one could ask for more.
May you rest with God in heaven from now through evermore.
Harmy Awards Presentation - Most Favorite Recurring Male Character Other Than Harm -- ....., 02:48:37 05/22/12 Tue
“Help, help!” Deemus runs onto the stage. “We’ve lost Araninda! I think. . . . I think the gorilla ate her.” Carramor grabs Deemus and gently shakes her. “Are you crazy? Gorillas do not eat hillbillies. They do, however, drink their moonshine.” Deemus stares at her. “Does that mean we have a pickled hairy ape lying in a gutter around here someplace?” “Maybe so,” Carramor replies. “Better watch where you step.” Deemus looks cautiously around the stage, but there is no trace of a gorilla, soused or otherwise. “We have to find Araninda,” she finally says. “She’s missing in action.”
“Call out the troops. Or maybe we can poof in Harm to rescue her,” Carramor suggests. Both ladies take a deep breath and wave their arms. POOF! A loud noise is heard and a Tomcat lands on the ballroom stage. “It’s Harm!” the audience excitedly screams. But instead Tom Boone climbs down from the cockpit and sadly reports, “I’ve been trying to get a radar lock on Araninda. But no joy.” He looks around at the boa-clad audience. “What the hell are these strange looking women doin’ on the flight deck? I’m high flyin’ out of here.” And off he roars.
“Well, that wasn’t Harm, but Tom Boone is the first nominee in this category,” Carramor explains. “So let’s try again.” The ladies wave their arms and poof! This time Victor Galindez appears, looking mighty handsome in his Marine uniform. “Wow!” Deemus swoons. “Gunny is my favorite recurring male character other than Harm. Hey, Gunny, how about showing me some special hand-to-hand combat maneuvers?" She glances over her shoulder at Carramor. "Sorry, Carramor, but we are out of here. You are on your own now.” Gunny and Deemus both disappear in a flash.
Carramor sighs. No Araninda, but at least Gunny is the second nominee so something is going right. But now what does she do? Poof! A tall bald-headed figure taps on her shoulder. “May I be of service?” says AJ Chegwidden. “I’ll invoke an Admiral’s privilege and order Araninda to appear.” “Oh, yes, that would be wonderful,” replies Carramor, clapping her hands together. Suddenly AJ stops and rubs his forehead. “You don’t suppose she’s with Meredith, do you? Put them together and you get double trouble - two crazy people instead of one. I need an aspirin. Tiner!” AJ wanders off in search of his yeoman.
One more nominee to go in this category, but Araninda is still missing. Carramor scratches her head and analyzes the situation. “Hmmm, I wonder if . . . . .yes, that’s it! This whole thing has Webb written all over it!” Sure enough with those words Clayton Webb appears, staring into the stage lights and waving his hand rapidly in front of his face. “What are you doing?” Carramor asks. “Trying to get a fix on Araninda’s position,” Webb answers. “Looks to me like you are going blind,” Carramor observes. “In any case, you are the final nominee for this category. So it’s time to announce the winner.”
Webb hands her a slip of paper. “Here’s the winner. Memorize it and eat it. That's what I learned in spy school.” Carramor rolls her eyes. “How about if I just read it aloud?” “Well, that would work too,” Webb sheepishly responds. Carramor warily moves away from Webb and proclaims: “The most favorite recurring male character other than Harm is AJ Chegwidden. The person who nominated the winner is mj and she receives an evening with AJ or Harm, her choice.” “What about me? What do I get?” Webb peevishly wails. “You get decked,” says AJ reappearing from backstage and landing a punch squarely to Webb’s nose. Mayhem erupts from the audience with shouts, cheers, catcalls and whistles. Carramor tries frantically to restore order. What a mess! Thankfully this category is over. But where in the world is Araninda?
Harmy Awards Presentation - Mac's Most Attractive Outfit -- ....., 02:55:57 05/15/12 Tue
Araninda has regained her poofing and the Harmy Awards have been saved. It’s now time for the second award, which is: "Mac’s Most Attractive Outfit.” The final nominations in this category were: the dark formal gown in “Embassy”; the white formal gown in “Retreat, Hell”; the red dress in “Fair Winds and Following Seas”; and the white nightgown in “To Russia With Love”.
Araninda squints at her notes. Gosh, there was a two-way tie for the winner. The first winner is: The dark formal gown in “Embassy”
Poof! Mac appears in that gown and slinks across the stage toward a trench-coated figure with dark glasses and a fedora. “Wait a minute!” shouts Araninda. “Freeze that poof!” Mac instantly stops in mid-stride while Araninda walks over to the figure. “Who are you?” she demands. “Clayton Webb,” he replies, removing the glasses. “I bought this dress from Company funds for her to wear. I love her in this dress. I’m sweeping her off to Paraguay after a 10-minute ‘diamond expert for dummies’ course.” “No!” Araninda cries, stomping her foot. “Hey,” he protests, “there’s this gorilla backstage who said . . . . .” “Sorry, Webb, but you have just been declassified. Go back to the old spooks home.” With a wave of her hand, he vanishes.
Now, let’s try this again, Araninda thinks as she settles herself. The second winner is: The red dress in “Fair Winds and Following Seas”
Poof! Mac instantly changes into that red dress and starts across the stage with the same purposeful walk as she did entering McMurphys. In a dark corner of the stage, a tall Navy officer rises to greet her. Suddenly she stops and looks confused. A puzzled Araninda calls out to her. “What’s the matter? You are supposed to be re-enacting your entrance at McMurphys, kiss Harm and make shippers swoon.”
“But. . . .but. . . “ Mac points into the darkness. “That officer isn’t Harm.” “Of course it’s Harm,” Araninda insists. Then she takes off her glasses so she can better see. “Oh, no, it’s. . .”
“Hello, babe. You look good in that dress. Will you take me to San Diego with you? We can be a dream team.” The officer recites his lines in a rush, all the while preening in front of Mac. But Araninda quickly intercedes. “Puke. . .er, Vukovic! How did you get here?” she exclaims, stomping her foot in anger. “I was poofed by a gorilla backstage," he replies. "He said I am to be the new Harm.”
”Well, we'll see about that! First Webb and now you. . . . .This is too much!" Araninda exclaims, grabbing Vukovic by the arm and dragging him offstage. She started to drag him out by another body part, but it wasn’t long or hard enough to grasp. “Oh, I almost forgot. Katiegirl nominated the dark gown from Embassy and Lee nominated the red dress from FWFS. So they each get an evening with Harm.”
Araninda drags Vukovic offstage. Shouts, gorilla roars and thumps are heard. It isn’t pretty. Someone will survive, someone will leave, someone will be lost forever. Stay tuned. . .
Harmy Awards Presentation - The Funniest Scene -- ....., 03:06:42 05/17/12 Thu
Jenks walks quickly into the stage spotlight. “Ladies, your attention please. Araninda is backstage having a. . . .well, rather intense discussion with the gorilla. So she asked me to present the next Harmy Award.” Jenks looks at a notecard and begins: “The next award is: The Funniest Scene. The nominations are: 1) Harm and Bud sharing a bed in “Father’s Day”; 2) Singer’s remark in “Lifeline” that Harm doesn’t do a thing for her; 3) The “I peeked twice” scene in “Vanished” in which Harm was blindfolded by the UFO spotters; 4) Harm and the pregnant lady in “Code Blue”; 5) AJ’s comments about blowing something up and firepower as he and Harm order weapons in “Going After Francesca”; and 6) Mac confronting Harm, Bud and AJ in jail after Bud’s bachelor party in “Wedding Bell Blues. The winner is. . . . .”
"Wait a minute!” Cathy F. joins her onstage. “Before we announce the winner, we have to poof in Harm.” “We can’t,” Jenks replies. “We don’t know how to poof.” Cathy F. holds out a book. “Yes, we do. Araninda gave me this book. It’s titled Poofing in Three Easy Steps. Araninda says if we follow the instructions in this book, we will be able to poof Harm to our hearts content. She says this book is the poof, the whole poof and nothing but the poof. So help her Harm.”
Jenks and Cathy open the book, huddle together and begin to read. “This isn’t too difficult,” Cathy muses. “Step 1. Find a comfortable, inviting spot, preferably a bedroom.” Behind them in the shadows, unseen by Jenks and Cathy, Harm tosses in his bed, giving the audience a good look at his naked chest and biceps. But before the audience can react, he disappears in a poof.
“Hmmm, we don’t have a bedroom, so I guess our stage will have to do,” Jenks says. “Step 2. Close your eyes and concentrate. Take slow, deep breaths.” Both ladies close their eyes tightly. Unfortunately while their eyes are closed, they miss Harm quietly poofing in beside them and stripping off his shirt, exposing his naked chest and hairs. The audience begins to murmur excitedly. Jenks and Cathy open their eyes, but alas, there is nothing onstage except the two of them. “Step 3. Build your emotions and focus on your intent,” Cathy reads. The ladies focus, so intently that they miss Harm striding across the stage behind them clothed only in his boxers. This time, the audience collectively gasps. Jenks and Cathy whirl around but again, there is nothing there. No poof of smoke, no Harm.
"This book does not work!” Jenks cries in disgust. “Cathy, throw it away and let’s just announce the winner.” Cathy steps down from the stage to a recycling bin, tosses in the book and returns to the spotlight. “The winner of The Funniest Scene is Harm and the pregnant lady in Code Blue. The person who nominated the winner is Vi and she gets Harm for an evening if she can figure out how to poof him to her.”
Jenks and Cathy watch as the custodian picks up the recycling bin and starts out of the ballroom. Good riddance to the poofing book, they both think. But in the next instant, a stampede of boa-clad ladies chase after the custodian shouting, “Stop, stop, bring back that book now! We demand the right to bare poof!”
A puzzled Jenks and Cathy look at each other. “Did we miss something important?” Jenks asks.
Just a note to all of you whose Birthdays got by me -- tried to catch up individually and discovered I missed a lot! So to all of my dear Harmy friends with B'Days unknowledged by me, am sincerely regretful (the word 'sorry' just doesn't work some times), hope you all had wonderful Harmy days, and if my brain ever decides to return to the spot between my ears, I promise to do better soon? -- carramor, 11:53:31 05/13/12 Sun
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Harmy Awards Presentation - Best Harm Flying Scene -- ....., 01:36:49 05/11/12 Fri
“Hocus poofcus!” Araninda shouts, looking expectantly around the ballroom to no avail. She really has a problem. The Harmy ladies have reluctantly left the naked statue in the Manly Arms lobby on the promise that the real Harm would soon appear. Everyone is settling into their seats, waiting not so patiently. But her poof has fizzled. Maybe she needs to try harder. With a fast flapping of her arms, she shouts “Bibbidi, Bobbidi, Poof!” Nothing. She didn’t even get liftoff from all that flapping. Maybe I’m too old to cut the poof anymore, she thinks. But how can the award show take place if we can’t poof in Harm?
Lost in a delirium, she begins to singsong: “Where, oh where has my little poof gone?” Katiegirl taps on her shoulder. “Araninda, can I help?” “Oh, Katiegirl, I’ve forgotten how to poof. It’s been three years since I quit with the help of Poofers Anonymous.” “Wow,” exclaimed Katiegirl. “I didn’t think anyone could go that long without poofing. You must need a good stiff poof really bad.”
“Poof cadabra,” Araninda cries out in panic. “Don’t hurt yourself trying to poof,” Katiegirl warns. “Try clicking your heels together three times and say ‘there’s no poof like home.’” “But I don’t want to poof home,” Araninda wails. “Home is West Virginia and we do dumb things like vote for imprisoned felons for President.”
“Well, read the nominations then,” Katiegirl advises. Araninda squints at her notes. The first category of this year’s Harmy Awards is “Best Harm Flying Scene” and the final nominations were: 1) The “Come Fly with Me” scene in “Adrift 1” as Harm does his quals while Mic and Mac’s wedding rehearsal takes place; 2) Harm leading the dirty nuke missile away from the ship in “Enemy Below”; 3) Harm using his plane’s tailhook to guide a disabled plane away from enemy territory in “True Callings”; and 4) Harm and Tom Boone escorting a plane carrying “Toys for Tots” with navigation problems in “All Ye Faithful.”
Araninda finishes reading and glances up. Directly in front of her stands Harm in full flight suit. “Wow, Harm, you really have a big . . . . .zipper!” Araninda shrieks. Everyone in the audience starts to swoon. “Quick, Araninda, read the winner before they rush the stage!” Katiegirl yells.
The winner is: Harm using his plane’s tailhook to guide a disabled plane away from enemy territory in “True Callings.” The Harmy lady who nominated the winner is: Katiegirl, so she gets an evening with Harm. “Wait a minute. . . .Katiegirl!” Araninda’s eyes widen. “No wonder you were eager for me to fall off the poof wagon.” Katiegirl locked her arm protectively through Harm's and smiled: “Don't worry, Harm. You have someone who’ll always poof you.”
It's Harmy Awards Time! -- ....., 02:38:15 05/09/12 Wed
We’re here at the Manly Arms Hotel and it’s almost time for the Harmy Award Presentations! A red carpet, drenched in drool, is being unrolled. Slowly a limousine (actually a big a$$ blue van) rolls up and a large group of perfect size 6 ladies climb out, their blue boas scattering feathers into the air. Babbling phrases like "a girl can't get enough of a good thing" and "come to me, you know the reason”, they teeter on their stilettos and disappear inside the hotel. On the red carpet, Jane Rivermouth frantically waves a microphone at the arriving guests and loudly declares that blue is not the "in" color this year.
Inside the hotel, the group of ladies stop and stare. Many of the newcomers have never been to the Manly Arms before. Even for those who remember the dream fantasy nights of long ago at the hotel, it still is a wonderful sight today. And of course everyone’s attention immediately locks onto the lifesize naked statue of Harm in the lobby, anatomically correct of course. Everyone swarms around the statue, swooning and fondling carefully. “I had no idea that CW was. . . ..well . . . . “ usmgrad gulps, trying to find the right descriptive words. “Do you think we could make a fanfic challenge about it?”
“Ladies, please, do not drool on the statue! We’ll damage it and get arrested and have to pay for it. . . .him. . . .something, and I don’t think Bubba has any bail money. He’s saving it for the Texas Tarts Jagfest in June,” Araninda wails, frantically trying to restore order. “Hey, Lee, stop squeezing Harm’s six. . . .er, I mean the back side of the statue.”
But no one is paying Araninda any attention, so she steps up on a nearby crate to make herself more visible. Suddenly a big black furry paw appears out of the top of the crate and grabs her around the ankle. She starts shrieking in fright: "No. . .it just can’t be. . .” The ladies reluctantly turn away from the statue in time to see the sides of the crate slowly falling away. Sure enough, sitting there calmly eating bananas and rewriting scripts is a 500-pound gorilla. "Shoo,” Araninda shouts, trying to wave him away like an annoying insect. But the gorilla lasted through nine years of shippers trying to get rid of him and he isn't going quietly now. Instead he stands up, beats his chest and bellows: "I am the Ghost of Gorilla Past. I will be in the room until the last 7.5 minutes of your award show.”
"Oh, Pukeovic!” Araninda exclaims, using a favorite HarmyBoard expletive. Sigh! Not the way she had planned to start the 2012 Harmy Awards. But it sure is fun to be back at the Manly Arms where anything can and does happen.
Please stay tuned for the presentations which will be presented in separate threads over the next few weeks. Votes have been tallied and certified by the accounting firm of Clark Palmer Accomplices (CPA). Any bribe money that exchanged hands in the tallying of the votes has been deposited in the Harmon Rabb Swiss Bank Account along with a paper clip. Oh yes, the most important part – we will also announce the person who nominated the winner in each category and that person will get an evening with Harm.
So, ladies, please check in if you are attending the awards ceremonies. We want to hear from everyone who is with us here at the Manly Arms!
My version of the JAG finale -- Theresa, 21:54:02 05/03/12 Thu
I know quite a few people downloaded my version of the series finale. For some reason I'm the only one who doesn't have it. Can anyone send it to me?